copyright © 2006 Jeff Goode

This is every piece I've ever written

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2006


     JEFF - offstage footsteps stomping toward the stage…

     RIGHT (offstage:)

                 And so, with a psychotic hiss [1]

                 The sounds of the night begin… [2]

[1] JEFF [enter from Shop to Center]

                 Good evening and welcome to No Shame Theatre! [3]

                 All pieces must be original.

                 Must be short.

                 And must not damage the space or its inhabitants in any way.

[2] LEFT (offstage:)

                 Dadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadada [continues…]

     ADAM [enter SL to Center]

[3] My name is Jeff Goode

                 And this is every piece I’ve ever written.

     LEFT …dada Dead Panther.

     RIGHT Dead Panther [4]

     Unicorn [enter SR to DSR]

[4] I was walking through a beautiful forest.

                 And then a woman appeared.

                 She was beautiful... and then she destroyed the world.

                 She killed me. She crushed my skull and danced in my entrails.

                 She burned the trees.

                 And then, just for spite, she polluted the air.

                 (exit DSR)

[4] Champ (enter DSL to champagne area, UNCORKING CHAMPAGNE:)

                 My, this is so romantic. My, I think that champagne has gone right to my head. My, I had forgotten how beautiful this forest is at night. My, my, my, my, my.

[4] #1-#8 (enter SL, in a line across stage) [5]

                 (PHOTOGRAPHER enters, wanders the stage taking pictures throughout the piece.)

[5] JEFF First position! [6]

                 (go drink champagne)

[6] #1-#8 (strike pose: first position)

     #5 And breathe… [7]

     #2-8 (breathe: first position)


[7] #1 Imagine if you will, that I am Mogo, an Australian cave walrus. [8]

                 Imagine also that I am eighteen feet long

                 with transparent skin and glowing red eyes.

                 Ah, life! Ah, just to be a walrus! Ah, the joy! To be a walrus in a cave!

                 And to be in Australia! Ah, the simple life of an Australian cave walrus!

                 (run upstage, form new line)

[8] #2 What lovely carpet the Canadians have. [9]

                 (run upstage, form new line)

[9] #3 Dear diary, I have a great idea for a No Shame piece. [10]

                 (run upstage, form new line)

[10] #4 Looks like a carrot. But it’s got arms. Better not eat it! [11]

                 (run upstage, form new line)

[11] #5 Look, honey, it’s mail from the future! [12]

                 What will they think of next??

                 (run upstage, form new line)

[12] #6 Oh, yes I used to stand naked in the moonlight [13]

                 howling Emily Dickinson poetry to the stars.

                 (run upstage, form new line)

[13] #7 I see a mountain. A mountain the size of my imagination. [14]

                 (run upstage, form new line)

[14] #8 Who are we to say what is art? We are paint. [16]

                 (run upstage, form new line)

[16] JEFF Second position! [17] [28]

[17] #1-#8 (strike second position pose)

     #5 And breathe…

     #1-8 (breathing: second position)

[17] LIVEMO (handcuffed) and GUARD enter DSL to Up Center.)

                 (Guard un-handcuffs LiveMo — gives Twinkies...)

[17] Iowans (enter SL to DSL)

     Iowan1 No trespassing! [19]

     Iowan2 Noooo trespassing!

     Iowan1 Didn’t you see the sign?

     Iowan2 The No Trespassing sign?

     Iowan1 The sign that says, "No Trespassing".

     Iowan2 Right on the sign.

     Iowan1 NOOOO Trespassing.

     Iowan2 That’s not the way we do things here.

     Iowan1 Nope, not here.

     Iowan2 Not in Iowa.

     Iowan1 Nope, not in Iowa.

                 (they exit SL)


[17] Foofer (enter Extreme UR)

                 Foo foo? Here, foo foo! Where are you, you naughty boy?

                 (exit Extreme UL)

[17] Reindeer (enter BACK of HOUSE by light booth)

                 The sleigh ride is over!

                 That man has been a walking talking, holly-jolly, sex-crime-waiting-to-happen for years now. (exit)



[28] MIKE (enter at SR- for Movie Reviews)

     JEFF So I finally saw that Passion of the Christ [29]

                 movie. And now I’m totally anti-Semitic! [30]

     MIKE Is it possible you were a fuck-up before you saw the movie? [31]

                 (Jeff exit for costume change: Commando Wombat)

[29] FINGER enters DSL to Center.

[30] Cosmo (enteringDSR:)

[31] Mission control this is Cosmo Goldstein.

                 We are initiating countdown.– [20]

                 Waitaminute, you’re not the pilot!

     Finger Suspend your disbelief.

                 (draws finger, points finger at Cosmo)

     Cosmo Oh, no! You’re not taking me without a chase scene! [32]

                 (CHASE SCENE begins…) (Finger: keep your finger at Cosmo)

[20] LEFT (overlapping) 10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1

[32] #1-#8 (haikuists cross downstage, snapping fingers)

                 (#1-#4 - move L, fall in behind #5-#8)

     #1-#8 Come on everybody, let’s all Hai-ku.

                 You haiku for me. And I will haiku for you.

     #2 It’s the poetry sensation that is sweeping the nation.

     #1-#8 Of Japan! [34]

                 So do the 5 — 7 — 5

     #5-8 You go, girl! (point finger)

     #1-4 You da man! (point finger) [35]

[34] JEFF (Center) This is not a gun. Bang. (shoots self in the head)

[35] This is a gun. Bang! [40]

                 (shoots Cosmo)

     Cosmo (Cosmo dies)

[40] Finger Bang bang bang bang click click click!

     JEFF Third position! [36]

                 (cross to Movie Review…[38])

[36] #1-#8 — run to downstage lip of stage;

                 Strike third position pose!

     #5 And breathe…

     #1-#8 (breathing: third position)

[38] JEFF So I saw that new Bruce Willis movie "Ho Stage". But there were no dancing prostitutes.

     MIKE It’s "Hostage".

     JEFF Y’know, you go to a move called "Ho Stage" you expect to see Hos, on a stage. [41]

     MIKE It’s "Hostage"!!

                 (Jeff drinks)

[41] RIGHT (off:) But Mommy! The Emperor isn’t wearing any clothes!

     #2 (sieg heil:) SHAKESPEARE!

     #3 (sieg heil:) SHAKESPEARE!

     #4 (sieg heil:) SHAKESPEARE!

     #5 (sieg heil:) SHAKESPEARE!

     #6 (sieg heil:) SHAKESPEARE!

     #7 (sieg heil:) SHAKESPEARE!

     #1 (sieg heil:) NEIL SIMON!

     #8 HANG HIM!! [42]

     #1-#8 (They chase #1 into the audience SR and out the house exit.)

                 (Re-enter at various House entrances)

[42] (NARR, DRAGON, KNIGHT enter to Center)

     Narr Once upon a time in a magical fairytale kingdom.

                 There lived an evil dragon.

     Dragon Rargh! Hi, I’m a big dragon.

     Knight Avast Dragon! Avaunt! I am Sir Galamour, Knight of Legend, come to do battle.

     Dragon. Poof.

     Knight Agh! I'm on Fire! Oh God, make it stop! It hurts! Etc... [43]

     Narr Stab.

     Dragon Mother fucker. Poof.

     Narr Agh! I’m on Fire! [44]

                 Oh God! Oh Jesus shit! etc…

                 (Knight, Dragon, Narrator DIE.)

[43] #7 (in house, very loud) And they lived Happily Ever After! Except they were dead. [45]

[44] (Enter CHICAS, SL)

     Chicas Ay caramba! Todos los chicos han suicidado por esa puta miserable, Conchita. No hay nadie con quien casarnos. Tenemos que matarnos. [53]

                 (CHICAS kill themselves.)

[44] (FINGER enters, shooting Fairy Tale characters)

     Finger Bang bang bang bang bang bang bang!

                 (Finger continue putting coup de grace shots in Chicas.)

                 (exit when finished)

[53] JEFF (cross to Center)


     #1 Asspipe.

     #8 Fuckhole.

     #2 Doglover.

     #7 Cunt.

[54] (KIX enters DSR, crosses to Jeff at Center, KNEES JEFF IN THE GROIN.)

     KIX (furious:) There are people who would give their right arm to be able to get up on a stage and masturbate all over the place for 5 minutes. But they can't, because--- (notices that he hasn't recovered yet:) Are you all right?

JEFF You were a little off. [55]

     KIX Oh, I’m sorry.

                 (She helps him over to the Champagne area.)


[55] (VGIRLS enter UL, skipping, arm-in-arm:)

     BOTH We are two girls. [56]

                 With vagiiiiiinas. [57]


                 We are two girls-with-va-gi-nas.


                 (at Center)

     VgirlA I'm sicka these pricks stickin' chicks with their dicks.

     VgirlB Like his thing gets a tan and - kaching - he's a man.

     VgirlA So kiss this, if you're listening.

     VgirlB Go piss in a pot.

     VgirlA You know what you're not, if you don't got a twat.

BOTH (skipping off UR:)

                 Yer not two girls. [58]

                 With vagiiiiiinas.

                 Yer not two girls with va-gi-nas.

                 Yer-not-two-girls-with va-gi-nas.

[56] #1-#8 (muttering:) Subliminal subliminal subliminal subliminal subliminal subliminal subliminal subliminal subliminal subliminal…

                 (continue until Brokeback Mountain sketch)

[57] Plant (in audience, near center or center/back of house, talking to whoever is right next to them that they’ve never met)

                 I like to go with a member of the opposite sex, because it’s kind of exciting and titillating knowing that if anybody ever saw you here they’d think you were a fuckin’ weirdo. And so there’s this really weird erotic energy because you don’t understand and you don’t know what’s going on. But if anybody likes it, you have to go crazy and like it too, because you don’t know what it is, and maybe they do.

[58] (Movie Review area)

     JEFF So I finally saw that Brokeback Mountain movie. [59]

                 I don’t see what all the controversy is about.

     MIKE I think it’s about the gay cowboys.

     JEFF That’s what I’m saying. It’s perfectly natural. If two guys are going to go around being gay or different — it’s perfectly natural that some other guys are going to beat the shit out of them. [15]

     MIKE Oh Jesus.

[59] Guard (screams) I am not gay!! [60]

     LiveMo (startled out of his scene) No one said you were gay. [61]

                 (Guard exit UR)

                 (LiveMo exit UL)

[60] #1 (to audience member:) I’m not gay, but if I was, I’d want someone like you to do my nails.

[61] #7 (to #3:) Hey, what’s long and hard and full of seamen? [66]

     #3 What?

     #7 Annapolis.

     #3 What?!

     #7 The naval academy at Annapolis.

     #3 That’s not hard.

     #2 Have you been to the Naval Academy? It’s hard. Don’t tell me it’s not hard.

     #7 And long!

     #2 It takes forever.

[66] Foofer (enter USL crossing off USR, looking for lost pet)

                 (adlib:) Foo foo! Where are you, you naughty boy? Foo foo!


[15] (PREZ, GAY2, DALE enter UL to Center.)

PREZ Gay Limerix in History - 1996!

     (they assume blowjob positions)

GAY2 A young white house assistant named Dale

DALE Hi, I'm Dale!

                 (Dale gives president a blowjob)

PREZ Spent his internship... doing the "male"

GAY2 He denied being gay.

DALE No, I don't swing that way.

     Yes, I smoke, but I do not inhale. [62]


[62] #6 Oh, no! I feel a monologue over me!

     #5 Everybody, get back, quick!

     #6 So there we were, completely surrounded. [63]

                 (continue until Jeff interrupts: "No no noooo!")

                 When who should walk in? But that one guy!

                 You know who I’m talking about. The guy from the place.

                 What’s his name. With the thing.

                 So he walks in. Like it’s nothing. Like nothing’s happened.

                 And I said — understandably, I think — "What the hell??"

                 Like it’s not nothing, it’s something.

                 And he looks at me like: "What do you mean?"

                 And I’m thinking: What do I mean? What does it look like I mean??

                 I mean, here we are: Middle of God-only-knows. Lost.

                 He walks in. And, need I remind you — Surrounded.

                 And here’s this guy. Like it’s nothing.

                 Like, "Oh, hi! So this is the place." Like a prick.

[63] #1 So one time, me and The Flash and Iron Man and this guy we called Psycho Kid — [64]

                 (continue until Jeff interrupts: "No no noooo!")

                 because this guy was fucking wacko - the four of us are taking a smoke break in the alley, waiting for the Inhuman Destructors to come trash this hospital across the street. And the Flash broke out some pot and we were passing it around talking about "Who scares you the most?" And I had to say The Multiple Man because this guy had eight bodies, and he's all over you when you fight him, and also because one time he nearly bit off one of my testicles.

                 And we said " Iron Man, who scares you most?"

                 And he said "Death"

                 And we said "oh"

[64] #8 So I’m fucking Satan, right? [65]

                 (continue until Jeff interrupts: "No no noooo!")

                 And, of course, all my girlfriends are like:

                 "Oh my God! Satan?! The Satan? The King of Kings? The Lord of Lies? The Wrath-of-God Satan? Hellfire and Brimstone Satan? That Satan?

                 No, the other one.

                 "So, what's he like? What's he like?!

                 Is he big? Is he hot? Is he big and hot?

                 Is he rough? Is he big and hot and rough and satanic?"

[65] #2 There was an old man from Nantucket

                 (continue until Jeff interrupts: "No no noooo!")

                 Who'd lived his whole life in Nantucket

                 So he'd heard all the jokes

                 And the limerick pokes

                 About his monstrous snake-like cock

                 And the one time - one time, mind you!

                 That he'd stuck it in his ass,

                 Just to see if he could

                 And he's never heard the end of it!!

        Nantucket. (exit)

[65] #3 The herring is a crafty fish

                 (continue until Jeff interrupts: "No no noooo!")

                 The red ones are the worst.

                 You'll find them in the oceans deep

                 If they don't find you first.

                 The herring swims alone it seems

                 Forsaking shoals and schools.

                 It lures you up a creek, that way

                 And into shallow pools

                 And just when you expect it least

                 That's when the herring strikes

                 You'll find yourself surrounded by

                 A mass of bass and pikes.

                 They pounce with fish-ish fury then

                 With biting and with pecking.

                 With finning and with sculling till

                 They damn your soul to hecking.

                 And as you wait at heaven's gate

                 You'll think back to this poem:

                 Red herring fish? Intriguing dish.

                 But better not to know ’em.

[65] #4 (laughing it off)

                 Like she’s really going to break into my house

                 (continue until Jeff interrupts: "No no noooo!")

                 and beat me unconscious with a tire iron

                 and cut off my balls and feed them to my cat

                 and club me to death

                 and set my house on fire.

                 Just like she said she would.

                 In all those letters.

[65] #5 I'm working my ass off here, and I just think:

                 (continue until Jeff interrupts: "No no noooo!")

                 What's the point? I mean, maybe they're right. I mean it's just 3 to 5 minutes of junk for, what, maybe 50 people tops. And then who's gonna remember it. I mean 5 years from now or 10 years or after I'm dead. Who's gonna care about this piece. Why am I wasting my life? Why don't I just give it up and go work at my dad's car wash? At least I'll have a purpose in my life.

[65] #7 Hi. Remember me?

                 I'm Nike, the Goddess of Victory.

                 No, not the shoes!

                 (continue until Jeff interrupts: "No no noooo!")

                 Don't even talk to me about the fucking shoes.

                 Don't even say it.

                 I don't want to hear it.

                 You know, I used to be big. Huge. Enormously huge.

                 What Nike is to shoes today, that's what I was to the whole fucking planet back then.

                 I was bigger than the Beatles. Way bigger.

                 I was bigger than God.

                 But he wasn't called God back then.

                 He was still going by his Jewish name.

                 That was a brilliant move, by the way.

                 When Jahweh changed his name to just "God". Brilliant.

                 Overnight he went from being the God of Hebrew dietary restrictions to being the God of just-being-God. Brilliant.

[65] Champ No, waitaminute. I don’t have any lines!

                 We’re almost to the end, and I don’t have any lines. I was supposed to have a monologue, and there isn’t anything. Here it is. [23]

                 I was supposed to have this. This is my monologue. Where’s Jeff? This was supposed to be my monologue.

                 (fight with #6 over the Completely Surrounded mono, until Jeff interrupts: "No no noooo!")

[23] JEFF No! No, no, no, no, noooooo! Noooooo! Noooooo!

                 (EVERYONE falls silent.)

                 Did you see that? I became One with the Universe. [21]

                 (He takes the champagne and chugs. [67]

                 He finishes the rest of the bottle.) [22]


[67] #1 (gently) Sometimes I feel so all alone. [68]

                 I sit in my room, and I stare at the walls. Because there isn’t anything else. And there isn’t anyone to talk to. Because I’m all by myself. And I feel so all alone.

[68] #2 Sometimes I feel so all alone. [69]

                 I sit in my office, and I stare at the walls. Because there isn’t anything else. And there isn’t anyone to talk to. Because I’m all by myself. And I feel so all alone.

[69] #3 Sometimes I feel so all alone. [70]

                 I sit in my car, and I stare at the walls. Because there isn’t anything else. And there isn’t anyone to talk to. Because I’m all by myself. And I feel so all alone.

[70] #4 Sometimes I feel so all alone. [71]

                 I sit in my yard, and I stare at the walls. Because there isn’t anything else. And there isn’t anyone to talk to. Because I’m all by myself. And I feel so all alone.

[71] #5 Sometimes I feel so all alone. [72]

                 I sit in my underwear, and I stare at the walls. Because there isn’t anything else. And there isn’t anyone to talk to. Because I’m all by myself. And I feel so all alone.

[72] #6 Sometimes I feel so all alone. [73]

                 I sit in my LaZBoy recliner, and I stare at the walls. Because there isn’t anything else. And there isn’t anyone to talk to. Because I’m all by myself. And I feel so all alone.

[73] #7 Sometimes I feel so all alone. [74]

                 I sit in my Learjet, and I stare at the walls. Because there isn’t anything else. And there isn’t anyone to talk to. Because I’m all by myself. And I feel so all alone.

[74] #8 Sometimes I feel so all alone.

                 I sit in my prison, and I stare at the walls. Because there isn’t anything else. And there isn’t anyone to talk to. Because I’m all by myself. And I feel so all alone.

[??] CUE IS: #1 start as soon as you finish the "alone" monologue.

     #1 I am thankful that we live in a world where killing a Palestinian child is better than killing an American child. Because all of my children are American.

     #2 I am thankful that the damage my car does to the environment will not effect me, but my grandchildren and their children.

     #3 I am thankful that I live in a country where my vote doesn't count because I really have better things to do on a Tuesday night.

     #4 I'm thankful that God made little girls, and taught so many of them how to use the internet.

     #5 I'm thankful that I have friends who don't always call me on all my bullshit, like those other fuckers I used to hang out with.

     #6 I'm thankful that we live in a nation of laws and one of them is the statute of limitations.

     #7 I'm thankful that my memory is not what it used to be, because I'm pretty sure I did some fucked up shit.

     #8 I'm thankful that I'm a citizen of a great nation because we're going to kick the asses of all the citizens of those other nations.

[22] JEFF (sings:) Keep Your Spirits Handy

                 Oh! Keep your spirits handy — They’ll keep your spirits up!

                 A candy cane is dandy

                 But brandy’s sweeter …in your cup!

                 One reveler from Cardiff spends each Holiday the same:

                 Out prowling pubs until he’s pissed and passed out in the lane.

                 A barmaid took him home and tried to rouse him with a kiss.

                 He said, "Forgive me missy, but you woke me up for this?"

                 Oh! Keep your spirits handy — They’ll keep your spirits up!

                 Love is a Rose, if you Want one of Those,

                 But eggnog …don’t need a pre-nup!

[21] TOUGH and SHARE enter.

                 (TOUGH enters UR, with a LIT CIGARETTE, crosses to UL, smokes.)

                 (SHARE enters UL, with a poem, crosses to UR, reads poem to self.)

[67] SQUEAKY and McKLEAN enter.

                 (Squeaky from SR, meet at Center)

      (McKlean from SL, meet at Center)

     Squeaky Do you want to make love?

     McKlean Like a rocket, babe. [75]

                 (He lies on the ground. She sits on his stomach.)

[75] (SHARE crosses DSR.)

     Share This morning while I was watching the sunset, I wrote a poem. I’d like to share it with you.

                 (Share holds up the poem for the audience to look at.) [77]

                 (TOUGH crosses DSL.)

                 (TOUGH puts cigarette out in palm.)


                 (TOUGH shows palm of hand. There is protective tape on it.)

[75] FOOFER crosses USR to USL, adlib:

     Foofer Foo Foo! Here, Foo Foo! Come here, you bad boy. etc…

[77] (ADAM & Spider at DSR)

     Spider Hey. Hey. Hey, you.

     Adam What?

     Spider BOOO!! [78]

                 Ha ha ha ha ha!

                 You didn’t see that one coming.

                 You shoulda seen the look on your face.

                 You were scared shitless.

                 Ha ha ha ha ha!

     Adam You’re not scary. [76]

                 (Beat.) (They BOTH break and sprint to the other side of the stage for girlfriend scene...)

[76] Mr.Angry (enter UR to UC) They call me... Mr. Angry!! ...Pants!!

     ALL Hello, Mr. Angry Pants.

     Mr.Angry DON'T CALL ME THAT!! (exit)

[78] GIRLFRIEND enters DSL, waits for Adam & Jeff

     JEFF This is an actual conversation I had with my girlfriend. [83]

     ADAM What would you like to see at No Shame this week?

     G.F. I’d like to see Jeff Goode dancing naked at No Shame.

     ADAM I bet I could get Adam to play the part. [80] [84]

                 (Beat.) (Adam and Jeff break and sprint to SL)

[80] #6 I know how you feel.

     #7 You do?

     #6 Yes, very soft.

                 (BOTH INTERPRETIVE DANCE until interrupted by Jeff: "No, it does not make you think!")


[83] (SIS and BRO enter to Center) [85]

[84] Sis I’ve decided not to have an abortion.

     Bro What! You’re pregnant?!

     Sis Whoops, sorry. (starting over:) I’m pregnant!

     Bro Aw, sis, congratulations! (puts his arm around her)

     Sis (rubbing her tummy:) I’ve always wanted a nephew. [86]

                 (BOTH INTERPRETIVE DANCE until interrupted by Jeff: "No, it does not make you think!")

[84] #3 Somebody get me a metaphor!

     #2 I’ll do it, I’m figurative.

[85] (IMWITH and STUPID enter SR) [87]

[86] Imwith That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of!!

     Stupid Stupider than this rabbit? [88] [90]

                 (RABBIT enters DSR)

     Rabbit Hubbida. Bubbida. Hubbidabubbida. [91]

                 (hops around — exits with Jeff)

[86] #5 So if Rosie O’Donnell was here right now, you’d call an exorcist to get rid of her?

     #4 Not being Catholic, I would probably call an ice cream truck to get rid of her.

                 (BOTH INTERPRETIVE DANCE until interrupted by Jeff: "No, it does not make you think!")

[88] #1 Don't let me catch you hangin' round my volcano. I'll lava-tize you! I'll magma-fy your ass back to Athens.

     #8 Yeah, you and what pantheon?!

                 (BOTH INTERPRETIVE DANCE until interrupted by Jeff: "No, it does not make you think!")

[90] #2 I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 10.

     #3 Antelope.

     #2 What??

     #3 Antelope.

     #2 That’s not a number!

     #3 Who said it had to be a number?

                 (BOTH INTERPRETIVE DANCE until interrupted by Jeff: "No, it does not make you think!")


[91] JEFF It makes you think, doesn’t it?

                 NO, IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU THINK! DON'T LIE TO ME! [101]

     ADAM (at Center)

                 September 21st Changed Everything. [107] (starts to exit…)

     #1-#8 (hands on hearts) I pledge allegiance

                 To the flag

                 Of the United States of America–

                 One nation. Under God.

                 The End. [102]

                 (as they exit:) Amen. (exit to Lobby)

[107] CROWD (crossing themselves) Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been 4 years since my last election.

[102] ADAM (comes back:) I’m sorry, September 11th!

                 September 21st is my birthday.

                 September 11th changed everything. (exit)

     JEFF But that's the thing. Being an American don't count for shit in this country. (JEFF continues…)

     LEFT (at DSL) The national terrorist threat level has been raised from Tangerine to … tangelo. (exit)

     RIGHT (at DSR)

                 When you look at everything that's going on in the world today,

                 With all the violence and killing and atrocities.

                 You really have to be on the side of the Christians.

                 Because they will fuck you up.

                 (HEAR and READ enter at DSL, with a copy of the State of the Union Address)

     HEAR Is that the State of the Union address?

     READ "We will not permit the triumph of violence in the affairs of men."

     HEAR Whoa, now hold on! He's against violence?

     READ That's what it says. "We will not permit the triumph of violence in the affairs of men."

     HEAR I could've sworn that was the whole plan. To triumph. Through violence.

     JEFF I'll tell you what it is. It's all this fundamentalist Buddhist crap [103]

                 where Allah teaches them that we're the Great Satan because we like Freedom and Equality and because we think women look hot in a thong bikini instead of all those veils and baggy shit so you can't tell if they're fat or not. (Jeff continues…)


[103] #2 (in Lobby)

                 War is for Pussies. Let me just say that…

                 (continue until "Holy blue-eyed Mother of God!!")

                 If the only way you can get someone to do what you want is by putting a gun to their head. Then you're a fucking coward. And right now we've got the biggest coward in the world with his finger on the trigger of the biggest gun in the world: The entire arsenal of the U.S. armed forces. That doesn't take a lot of courage. It takes cowardice. I have no doubt that being a soldier takes courage. That must be TERRIFYING being on the front lines waiting for battle. Knowing that at any minute your cruise missile could malfunction and destroy the whole ship. Or you could be killed by friendly fire. Or die in a jeep accident. But you know what's MORE terrifying? Waking up every morning for the rest of your life. And going to work KNOWING that someone could fly a plane into the side of your building. And you wouldn't even get a chance to fight back. But that's the risk I'm willing to take. For Peace. I will take the risk of being blown up in a shopping mall, if it means my daughter might not have to grow up in a world where every Arab child in that world has been brought up to hate her and kill her. We all know the risks of war. But how many of us are willing to risk our lives for peace? Because war. Is for pussies.

[103] #7 (in Lobby)

                 The Definition of Marriage is and always has been…

                 (continue until "Holy blue-eyed Mother of God!!")

                 that when two people — ONE of whom is a man, and the other is a woman OR one of whom is a woman and the other is a man. Or MORE than two people if one of them is a man and the others are women and all of them are orthodox Mormons. OR one or more of them are women and the OTHER one is a man and just the man is an orthodox Mormon - because they generally vote Republican and we want their votes. I don't think we need a constitutional amendment about POLYGAMY. Let the states decide. And when those two people - or more - Love each other very much... But not in a filthy way. Not in a suggestive or sexually graphic way. But in a chaste and virginal way, with not a lot of eye contact. OR in a reluctant, arranged marriage sort of way And they decide — or their parents decide for them To be joined in holy matrimony -- by a recognized church from our list of approved religions. OR in Las Vegas. Or on a ship at sea. That is how we have always defined marriage, and we have always used those exact words.

     JEFF Cuz you know that's what this is all about.

                 Because when Mohamed gets back to the hotel room on his wedding night and finally gets his virgin bride unwrapped out of all her tarps and shit and it turns out she's a fucking pig.... Hell, yes, he wants to blow up some Americans. I would, too.

                 So when they got a problem, instead of just changing it in their Bible like we do and problem solved, they have to go: Okay, now everyone else has to suffer, too.

                 So they do this "we all have to stick together" thing and get rid of Israel - like that's their problem. So the Arabs support the Palestinians. And the Libyans help the Albanians. And Iraq and Iran and Yemen.

                 And that would be fine if they all wanted to stay over there and be Islamic in Mecca. Which seems like the obvious thing if you ask me.

     [??] CUE IS: depends on length of ADAM’s costume change.

     ADAM — enters in a towel. Crosses to DOWN CENTER.

     Someone (from audience:) Holy blue-eyed Mother of God!!

     ALL (upon seeing Adam, ALL enter and fall silent)

     ADAM Am I boring you? [104]

                 (turns upstage, opens towel)

     JEFF (moves US of Adam)

     ADAM (whips around NAKED except for a SPIDER strapped to his crotch.)

     Spider BOO! Ha ha ha ha ha!

                 I bet you didn’t see that coming!

                 You shoulda seen the look on your face! [105]

                 Ah ha ha ha ha!!

[104] America (Somewhere SL part of House)

                 (sensuous:) I am America. America is me. My breasts, my thighs, my lips are all part of this fertile verdant land calling out. Aching to feel your patriotism.


[105] Leaper (enters SL)

                 (leap) (leap) I am naked.

                 (leap) I am naked

                 (leap) (leap) (leap)

                 Hi, cutie pie. I am naked.

                 (strikes a pose:) I am nude.

                 (leap) (leap) Naked!

     ALL (rush out into the HOUSE and tell your ROW of audience what you would have done for BOBONS instead) Okay, you know what I would have done…? Etc…

     Foofer (enters DSL, sees Spider)

                 There you are foo foo! Naughty boy!

                 (tries to grab the tarantula)

Chase lights GO!

     ADAM No! [106]

                 (ADAM flees)

     Foofer Foo foo!

                 (Foofer chases Adam around the stage.)

     ALL run out of the house and chase Adam around the stage.

[106] JEFF Thank you, No Shame.

                 20 years. 25 cities. 1000 shows. 3000 performers. 10,000 pieces.

                 It’s been an incredible run. But, really, we’re just getting started!

                 (JEFF joins the chase. EVERYBODY chases Adam off.)

                 (We hear their footsteps fade away to nothing.)



Dead Panther (1/13/89)
The Unicorn (10/3/86)
Doctor Yahtze: First Position (10/3/86)
Cave Walruses (10/31/86)
Niagara Falls (7/14/89)
Diary/Masturbation piece (3/6/87)
The Life & Death of Squeaky McKlean, Part 2 (3/3/89)
Thurgood Marshall's Stamp (10/28/05)
Rocky Mountain High (3/6/87)
No Shame Players: mountain the size of my imagination (3/6/87)
Dead Panther: Talking Parrot (1/20/89)
Doctor Yahtze: Second Position (10/10/86)
Live for the Moment (7/14/89)
Nerve Chain, episode 1 (11/21/86)
No Shame Players: cucumber/already taken (9/18/87)
Blitzen (11/29/93)
Cupid (11/22/93)
A Toby Huss Piece (10/31/86)
Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff: "The Passion of the Christ" (3/5/04)
Nerve Chain, episode 3 (12/12/86)
Haiku Song (3/12/04)
Commando Wombat Theatre (3/30/90)
Doctor Yahtze: Third Position (10/17/86)
Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff: "Hostage" (3/18/05)
Fairy Tale for Boy and Girl (11/13/87)
Snyx the Dragon (4/7/89)
Dada is my Dada (10/24/86)
Romeo y Juliet (y Pablo y Conchita y Unos Otros) (5/1/87)
Every American's a Critic (3/21/03)
The Making of a No Shame Piece (4/3/95)
Two Girls with Vaginas (12/13/02)
Subliminal (10/17/86)
Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff: "Brokeback Mountain" (2/10/06)
The Loneliest Tree Surgeon (12/16/05)
Party Lines 1.0 (5/5/06)
Long and Hard and Full of Seamen (3/18/05)
3 Gay Limerix (3/26/04)
So There We Were, Completely Surrounded (2/27/04)
Spider-Man (3/3/89)
Fucking Satan (11/22/02)
Nantucket (5/30/03)
The Red Herring (11/8/02)
Restraining Order (5/13/05)
Nike, Goddess of Victory (1/17/03)
The Struggle for Power in Art (11/14/86)
So All Alone (1/23/87)
Thankful (11/29/02)
Keep Your Spirits Handy (12/16/05)
Tough Without Tough (2/20/87)
The Life & Death of Squeaky McKlean (Spring '87)
Spider!! by Spider the No Shame Spider (10/14/05)
Tiger-Tiger Yum-Yum (2/28/03)
Jeff Goode Dancing Naked at No Shame (11/29/02)
Hair (3/9/90)
Father/Daughter Talk (11/13/95)
Sensual (5/2/03)
Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff: "The Amityville Horror" (4/15/05)
Volcano Gods (4/3/95)
A Number Between One and Antelope (3/5/04)
September 21st Changed Everything (3/24/06)
Unsafe in the Sky (2/13/04)
Anger Box (1/17/03)
Papal Semen (12/13/02)
State of the Union (1/31/03)
War is for Pussies (3/8/03)
The Sanctity of Definition (3/12/04)
The Nude Monologue (5/20/96)
Brass Link (10/16/87)

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