copyright © 2009 Jeff Goode

Still So Much To Say
"Elizabeth's Piece"

ELIZABETH. And at first it was interesting, you know, different. But after awhile, it just got to be like "Come on! Give me a break already! That’s not the only itch that needs scratchin’, you know what I mean?

And maybe if you knew a few more positions, that would have made all the difference. That's why I got you that illustrated edition of the Kama Sutra for your birthday that one year. And then I got you another copy for Christmas. But you couldn't take a hint. You just drew moustaches on all the women and left it on the coffee table in the living room. Do you know what our guests must think? That we have two copies of the Kama Sutra in our living room. They must think we have the best sex in the world! They must think we're at it all the time! In the dining room, in the kitchen. In the attic, in the garage. They must think that explains the big stain in the driveway. And I have to sit there and smile contently and act like I don't know what they're grinning about. "Stain? What stain? That must be one of the boys got into the preserves. We like to can peaches, don't you know? But I know what they're thinking. "Whore! Dirty whore! Letting your husband master the Kamic Butterfly in your own driveway in broad daylight!" and I'm just thinking, "Shut up, shut up, shut up! He's not my husband! And I'm not a whore! Those checks are for rent and expenses! And that's not us in the driveway it's probably one of the boys! And it's not the Kamic Butterfly! Oh, if only it was the Kamic Butterfly! Or the Wheelbarrow, or the Snowplough, or any of a hundred other positions that would make better use of his tiny, bent, little penis. Yes, it's tiny, too! You compare it to any other man in this room, and you look like a jockey. I haven't seen Roger's peepee since he was in diapers, and I know he had you beat before he learned how to ride a bike. And if it was because you were shy about your penis, I could understand. If you were one of these guys who couldn't do anything but the missionary position because he was repressed, that would be one thing. But that would be a switch! The missionary position would be a nice change of pace. But with you it was always anal. Anal, anal, anal! Thirty-five years of anal!

(IF YOU REACH THE END... go back to the BEGINNING OF YOUR MONOLOGUE and start over.)

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