copyright © 1989 Jeff Goode


HUS. Niagara Falls.

WIF. It's beautiful.

HUS. Don't get too close. The foam burns if it gets in your eyes.

HOTEL. Knock knock! On behalf of the Red Niagara Hilton staff, I would like to wish the newlyweds a happy honeymoon, and many wonderful years together. And here's a beer, compliments of the hotel.

WIF. Oh thank you.

HOTEL. Is there anything I can get for you?

HUS. Oh No thank you.

HOTEL. Enjoying the Falls, I see. Well, good night!

HUS. If you look over there, on the other side of the falls, you can see Canada.

WIF. Over there?

HUS. Just on the other side of the glass.

WIF. What lovely carpet the Canadians have.

(embrace, sigh)

WIF. Take off your clothes.

HUS. No, I don't think so.

WIF. It's our honeymoon.

(HUS. Gestures with head. WIF notices audience.)

WIF. Oh. Well, never mind.

(they just hold each other)

HUS. (idea:) Do you think they would mind if we stuck our fingers in it?

WIF. I don't see why they should.

(they wade in and do so.)

WIF. I touched Niagara Falls!

HUS. This is beautiful!

WIF. Take off your clothes.

HUS. Hunh uh.

WIF. Who's that up there?

HUS. (looking) On top of the falls?

WIF. Holding the can.

HUS. I don't know.

WIF. Hmm.

(they just hold each other)

HUS. I wish there weren't so many people here.

(foam stops, can falls)

WIF. If we drive back before morning, we don't have to pay for another night.


All in all this was one of the stupider things I've ever done at No Shame. For one thing the piece was written to be performed outside. It was summer and we had been clearly instructed that there would be no chance of using Theatre B that day, so I had devised this piece to make use of the patio "space". Basically, I was to stand on the roof of the theatre at the east end of the lobby spraying a "waterfall" of shaving cream while a newlywed couple played by Frank Ensenberger and Marci Glotzer played the scene next to the falls, but also commenting on the literal elements of the scene, i.e. someone on the roof with a spray can, the fact that Canada was on the other side of the glass and had red carpet. Anyways, when we got to the theatre, for some reason it turned out that we COULD have Theatre B. But rather than just punt this one. (I think it was my last No Shame in Iowa City so I wanted to do it.) I made the audience stay outside for the first piece, and then everyone filed in.

The second stupid thing was that spray cans don't hold a lot of foam, so the shaving cream ran out almost immediately. About 2 or 3 lines into it. I had brought a spare can for back up, but I knew it wouldn't last much longer, so I just spurted occasional foam throughout the rest of the piece while the poor actors commented on a waterfall that wasn't really there.

"Niagara Falls" debuted July 14, 1989, with the following cast:
Husband - Frank Ensenberger
Wife - Marci Glotzer
Hotel - Diana Dawson
(and Jeff Goode as Niagara Falls)

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