copyright © 1995 Jeff Goode

Card Trick by Jeff Goode


Magic is illusion.

A trick. A figment of your imagination.

It is not - as people used to believe in the olden days -

the work of devils. Or demons. Or other supernatural beings.

Wizardry? Sorcery? No.

Magic is not miraculous.

It may be amazing. Fantastic. Awe-inspiring.

But these are emotions. Feelings. They are not supernatural.

Simple beauty can incite them.

Canyons and fireworks. And exceptional architecture.

Childbirth. Can strike us with wonder.

But not because we are enspelled. Bewitched.

Because we are human.

And therefore susceptible to flights of fancy. Illusion. Delusion. Hallucination.


It's all in the mind.

I have here an ordinary deck of cards.

(The Magician does not move. There is no deck of cards.)

You could examine them to assure yourself that there is nothing unusual about them, but really we haven't got the time for that, so you're gonna have to trust me.

While I blindfold myself. My assistant is going to shuffle the cards. The blindfold, please.

Now, since I am blindfolded, you are going to have to keep an eye on my assistant for me, and make sure she mixes the cards properly.

Now, since I am going to assume that you and my assistant have nothing to gain by deceiving me, I am going to assume that the cards have been properly shuffled

Good. Now, as you can see I have taken the deck and cut it into 3 roughly equal stacks.

Now, I would like you to indicate by a show of hands, which stack my assistant should draw a card from.

All in favor of the first stack, raise your hands.

Now, all in favor of the middle stack?

And all in favor of the other stack?

Okay, now, I trust my assistant is drawing a card from the stack you have chosen, and showing it to you.

This is your card.

Now, while I am removing my blindfold, my assistant is reinserting the card in the deck, and shuffling them.

(The Magician looks off to one side of the stage.)

Now, you will notice that my assistant is moving to the other side of the stage. And when she gets there, thank you, now you will notice she is removing her blouse, and showing you her tits. Thank you, woh, now she's dancing around and, oh my God, I think she's gonna take off all her clothes. Oh my God, she is, she's completely naked. And she's shaving off her pubic hair. And, Oh, Jesus, now she's dancing around some more and she's, oh, she's humping the proscenium, this is obscene. Stop it. Stop. Put your clothes back on.

Okay. Okay, good.

(The Magician faces out again.)

Allright show's over, folks. Show's over. If I could just get your attention over here again. Over here.

...Is this your card?


This was the night of the "No Shame Challenge" when Brett Neveu and I decided to try to perform 8 No Shame pieces in 5 minutes. Each of us wrote 4 pieces. 6 of them were 2 person scenes to be performed by Jen Bills, Jen Johnson, Seán Judge and Doug Steckel. And the opening and closing pieces were monologues performed by myself and Brett. The actors were asked to read the scenes extremely quickly without any regard for the meaning or comprehensibility of the text, since each scene had to be about 30 seconds long. Someone in the audience was asked to time us. Unfortunately, I chose to open with Card Trick which ran over a minute and we were dead-in-the-water before we even began. :::sigh:::

"Card Trick" debuted November 13, 1995, performed by Jeff Goode.

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