"Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith"
written by Mike Rothschild & Jeff Goode
LIGHTS UP
on Mike, sitting alone...MIKE
(to audience)
Okay... Well, I don't know where Jeff is, folks. But I guess if anyone in the audience has seen Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith...
Jeff bursts in and sits.
JEFF
Hey, Mike. Sorry I'm late. I just got in from Tatooine. I went to a Galaxy Far, Far Away to see the world premiere of Star Wars III with Chewbacca on Tattooine.
MIKE
You were not on Tatooine.
JEFF
Whatever, Mike.
MIKE
So, how was it?
JEFF
Oh, it was NUTS! There were armies of Wookies fighting and tearing the arms off of droids. Stormtroopers blasting people in the streets. It was crazy.
MIKE
So you liked the movie, then?
JEFF
Are you kidding? I didn't even SEE the movie. That was just the line to get into the theatre. It was a total media circus. There were camera droids everywhere. And they were giving out free lightsabres, and clonetrooper helmets with holographic projectors.
MIKE
You didn't see the movie?!? Why the hell not?
JEFF
Well, like I said, it was a total circus. Some Wookie standing right in front of me said something to another Wookie about how wearing his bandolier on the right side made him a homo sapiens and, oh, it was on! There were bodies flyin' everywhere and police droids. Luckily I was there with Chewbacca and he was like, "Fuck these 2D movies, you wanna go catch a 3.5D flick at the Cantina?" And I said, "sure".
MIKE
3.5D? Whats the .5?
JEFF
Lets just say theyre better.
MIKE
Better how? Theres .5 more dimension?
JEFF
Well, lets just say when you only see a 3D movie you dont necessarily get to have sex with the actors on the screen.
MIKE
Ew!
JEFF
So Chewie took me to this really seedy "bookstore" and I ended up hooking up with this hot Wookie chick in one of the videos.
MIKE
Hold on. A hot Wookie chick? What could possibly make a Wookie chick "hot"?
JEFF
All the fur. They gotta be sweatin under that. And lemme tell you she was.
MIKE
Ew!
JEFF
Did you know Wookies have this holy book called the Wook-a-Sutra.
MIKE
I dont think I want to hear about the Wook-a-Sutra.
JEFF
So by the time I got done at the bookstore it was too late to catch the midnight show. And I was already late for my appointment to get enrolled at the Jedi Academy, so I booked it over there.
MIKE
Right.
JEFF
And at first the Jedi Council was like, "No, he's too old. Cuz they like to start Jedi's out when they're like, 3 years old. But I was like, "What about Luke Skywalker? He was way older than that. And what about Samuel L. Jackson? He had to be at least 40 when he became a Jedi." And as soon as I said that, they were all like, "Whoa! You know the true name of the One Whose Sabre is Purple." And I was like, "Yeah... cuz on Earth weve never seen him with his pants off, so we dont have any fancy nicknames. (We just call him Samuel L. Jackson.)" And that's when they realized I was not from their planet.
MIKE
Really? Because Ive sort of come to the same conclusion...
JEFF
So anyway, the Jedi were like: "You are from Earth?? Tell us about Bruce Willis? Whats he like in real life?" And I told 'em one thing he likes is strippers because he just made those two movies right in a row: Sin City where he falls in love with a 6 year old hooker, and right before that he was in Ho Stage which was all strippers.
MIKE
Hostage.
JEFF
And they were like, "Tell us more about these strippers!! We havent had a good strip club around here since Imperial storm troopers wiped out our base on Alderaan. So long story short they made me their supreme commander and started building a floating palace for me in Cloud City.
MIKE
Wow. That is... pretty incredible. Literally.
JEFF
I know!
MIKE
So if you were having such a great time in a galaxy far far away, I dont know why you would bother to come back.
JEFF
Oh, I didnt.
MIKE
And yet you did.
JEFF
I was only there a couple days and Im already the highest ranking Jedi in the galaxy. Why would I come back here to hang out with you?
MIKE
And yet, ironically, here you are.
JEFF
No, Im still there. I told you they were handing out holoprojectors at the premiere. Im still at the palace.
MIKE
So youre a hologram. Is that it?
JEFF
Pretty realistic, huh?
MIKE
Then how do you explain this...?
Mike gets up. Punches Jeff on the arm.
JEFF
Ow!
Mike sits back down.
JEFF
What the hell was that for?
MIKE
Youre not a hologram.
JEFF
I told you, space holograms are way more advanced than your primitive earth graphics. This is 3.5D, baby.
MIKE
So youre the kind of holograph you have sex with.
JEFF
Oh, yeah. Thats one of the reasons I came back. I hear Earth Girls Are Easy.
MIKE
Trust me, thats just the name of a movie.
JEFF
Did you know, if you have sex with a hologram you cant get any diseases? Its totally safe.
MIKE
No, I didnt know that.
JEFF
I wasnt talking to you.
MIKE
So in this entire adventure, wherein you picked up a Wookie chick, became a Jedi and became the supreme commander of Cloud City, you didn't actually see the movie?
JEFF
No, this is the best part. I dont need to see the movie now because When I was on Cloud City waiting for my palace to be finished, I got into a card game with this real loser named Lando Calrissian. And I totally cleaned him out. I mean, he stinks at cards. And so he offered to trade me my cloud castle for something even better: an advance DVD copy of the NEXT "Star Wars" movie.
MIKE
...the NEXT one?
JEFF
Yep. Episode IV! So I was like "why bother with Episode III? Let's just watch this baby!" And it's AWESOME!
MIKE
Well, yeah. It's a great movie. But you could have just gone to the video store and gotten it.
JEFF
Why, do they have bootleg copies or something? Because if they do, the Empire is gonna be pissed.
MIKE
Are you serious? Episode IV came out in 1977.
JEFF
So?
MIKE
So you're so obsessed with Star Wars that you pretended to fly halfway across the universe to be in another galaxy to wait in line with Chewbacca to see the next movie in the series and you never saw the original???
JEFF
I saw "The Phantom Menace".
MIKE
How could you not know Episode IV is the first movie?!?
JEFF
Episode 1 is the first movie. Thats why its called Episode 1.
MIKE
No, its the fourth movie.
JEFF
That doesnt even make sense. I think you're just jealous that I saw Episode IV yesterday, and you have to wait until 1977 to see it.
MIKE
Oh my God! You don't even know what year it is, do you?
JEFF
Nah, Jedi Knights don't read the newspaper. Current events cloud your judgement. Its better to trust in the force to make decisions for you. Whats that Force? The girl in the 3rd row.
MIKE
You're not a Jedi! You were at the Academy for an hour, and all you did was talk about strip clubs and Bruce Willis!
JEFF
All I know is Episode IV rocked the house. There's all these new characters, like Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker. And the Republic got overthrown by the Empire, and there's this new bad ass named Darth Vader. You really have to see it.
MIKE
Ill do that. Right away.
JEFF
But now I have all these questions that I won't get the answers to until Episode V. Like where'd that Darth Vader dude come from? That was totally out of nowhere.
MIKE
Yeah, totally out of nowhere. They shouldve set that up better.
JEFF
Like they spend the first two movies totally building up Anakin Skywalker and he's not even in the fourth one. But suddenly Darth Vader is everywhere. It makes no sense.
MIKE
Uh huh.
JEFF
And I wonder if Luke will ever find out who his real father is. Obi Kenobi was being all cagey about it, so I think something's up there.
MIKE
(playing along)
Actually, I heard a huge spoiler for Episode V.
JEFF
(hands over his ears)
Not listening! La la la la!
MIKE
Come on, you know you want to know.
JEFF
No, I absolutely do not.
(beat)
Tell me.
MIKE
Luke Skywalker's real father is Boba Fett.
JEFF
Really? That cloned kid from Episode II? No! Really?
MIKE
Yep.
JEFF
Wow. One minute you're holding your dad's severed head, the next you're fathering the last hope of the universe. And all at the age of ten. What an amazing galaxy we live in.
MIKE
Truly wondrous.
JEFF
Wow, you know, its weird, now that I know how the story turns out, I feel like I no longer have any purpose in life. What am I going to do with my life?
MIKE
Lets hope you never find out.
JEFF
You know, since Im a hologram... if we had sex right now... It wouldnt make us gay.
MIKE
Yes, it would.
JEFF
Well, maybe youd be gay. But Id be okay, cuz Im a hologram.
MIKE
Oh, Jesus.
JEFF
...So what do you say? You wanna feel the Force within you?
MIKE
(Says something as he gets up and leaves)
Mike leaves.
JEFF
What?!
BLACKOUT
Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.