Okay... Well, I don't know where Jeff is, folks. But I guess if anyone in the audience has seen Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith...

Hey, Mike. Sorry I'm late. I just got in from Tatooine. I went to a Galaxy Far, Far Away to see the world premiere of Star Wars III with Chewbacca on Tattooine.

You were not on Tatooine.

Whatever, Mike.

So, how was it?

Oh, it was NUTS! There were armies of Wookies fighting and tearing the arms off of droids. Stormtroopers blasting people in the streets. It was crazy.

So you liked the movie, then?

Are you kidding? I didn't even SEE the movie. That was just the line to get into the theatre. It was a total media circus. There were camera droids everywhere. And they were giving out free lightsabres, and clonetrooper helmets with holographic projectors.

You didn't see the movie?!? Why the hell not?

Well, like I said, it was a total circus. Some Wookie standing right in front of me said something to another Wookie about how wearing his bandolier on the right side made him a homo sapiens and, oh, it was on! There were bodies flyin' everywhere and police droids. Luckily I was there with Chewbacca and he was like, "Fuck these 2D movies, you wanna go catch a 3.5D flick at the Cantina?" And I said, "sure".

3.5D? What’s the .5?

Let’s just say they’re better.

Better how? There’s .5 more dimension?

Well, let’s just say when you only see a 3D movie you don’t necessarily get to have sex with the actors on the screen.

Ew!

So Chewie took me to this really seedy "bookstore" and I ended up hooking up with this hot Wookie chick in one of the videos.

Hold on. A hot Wookie chick? What could possibly make a Wookie chick "hot"?

All the fur. They gotta be sweatin’ under that. And lemme tell you she was.

Ew!

Did you know Wookies have this holy book called the Wook-a-Sutra.

I don’t think I want to hear about the Wook-a-Sutra.

So by the time I got done at the bookstore it was too late to catch the midnight show. And I was already late for my appointment to get enrolled at the Jedi Academy, so I booked it over there.

Right.

And at first the Jedi Council was like, "No, he's too old. Cuz they like to start Jedi's out when they're like, 3 years old. But I was like, "What about Luke Skywalker? He was way older than that. And what about Samuel L. Jackson? He had to be at least 40 when he became a Jedi." And as soon as I said that, they were all like, "Whoa! You know the true name of the ‘One Whose Sabre is Purple’." And I was like, "Yeah... cuz on Earth we’ve never seen him with his pants off, so we don’t have any fancy nicknames. (We just call him Samuel L. Jackson.)" And that's when they realized I was not from their planet.

Really? Because I’ve sort of come to the same conclusion...

So anyway, the Jedi were like: "You are from Earth?? Tell us about Bruce Willis? What’s he like in real life?" And I told 'em one thing he likes is strippers because he just made those two movies right in a row: Sin City where he falls in love with a 6 year old hooker, and right before that he was in Ho Stage which was all strippers.

Hostage.

And they were like, "Tell us more about these strippers!! We haven’t had a good strip club around here since Imperial storm troopers wiped out our base on Alderaan. So long story short they made me their supreme commander and started building a floating palace for me in Cloud City.

Wow. That is... pretty incredible. Literally.

I know!

So if you were having such a great time in a galaxy far far away, I don’t know why you would bother to come back.

Oh, I didn’t.

And yet you did.

I was only there a couple days and I’m already the highest ranking Jedi in the galaxy. Why would I come back here to hang out with you?

And yet, ironically, here you are.

No, I’m still there. I told you they were handing out holoprojectors at the premiere. I’m still at the palace.

So you’re a hologram. Is that it?

Pretty realistic, huh?

Then how do you explain this...?

Ow!

What the hell was that for?

You’re not a hologram.

I told you, space holograms are way more advanced than your primitive earth graphics. This is 3.5D, baby.

So you’re the kind of holograph you have sex with.

Oh, yeah. That’s one of the reasons I came back. I hear Earth Girls Are Easy.

Trust me, that’s just the name of a movie.

Did you know, if you have sex with a hologram you can’t get any diseases? It’s totally safe.

No, I didn’t know that.

I wasn’t talking to you.

So in this entire adventure, wherein you picked up a Wookie chick, became a Jedi and became the supreme commander of Cloud City, you didn't actually see the movie?

No, this is the best part. I don’t need to see the movie now because When I was on Cloud City waiting for my palace to be finished, I got into a card game with this real loser named Lando Calrissian. And I totally cleaned him out. I mean, he stinks at cards. And so he offered to trade me my cloud castle for something even better: an advance DVD copy of the NEXT "Star Wars" movie.

...the NEXT one?

Yep. Episode IV! So I was like "why bother with Episode III? Let's just watch this baby!" And it's AWESOME!

Well, yeah. It's a great movie. But you could have just gone to the video store and gotten it.

Why, do they have bootleg copies or something? Because if they do, the Empire is gonna be pissed.

Are you serious? Episode IV came out in 1977.

So?

So you're so obsessed with Star Wars that you pretended to fly halfway across the universe to be in another galaxy to wait in line with Chewbacca to see the next movie in the series and you never saw the original???

I saw "The Phantom Menace".

How could you not know Episode IV is the first movie?!?

Episode 1 is the first movie. That’s why it’s called Episode 1.

No, it’s the fourth movie.

That doesn’t even make sense. I think you're just jealous that I saw Episode IV yesterday, and you have to wait until 1977 to see it.

Oh my God! You don't even know what year it is, do you?

Nah, Jedi Knights don't read the newspaper. Current events cloud your judgement. It’s better to trust in the force to make decisions for you. What’s that Force? The girl in the 3^rd row.

You're not a Jedi! You were at the Academy for an hour, and all you did was talk about strip clubs and Bruce Willis!

All I know is Episode IV rocked the house. There's all these new characters, like Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker. And the Republic got overthrown by the Empire, and there's this new bad ass named Darth Vader. You really have to see it.

I’ll do that. Right away.

But now I have all these questions that I won't get the answers to until Episode V. Like where'd that Darth Vader dude come from? That was totally out of nowhere.

Yeah, totally out of nowhere. They should’ve set that up better.

Like they spend the first two movies totally building up Anakin Skywalker and he's not even in the fourth one. But suddenly Darth Vader is everywhere. It makes no sense.

Uh huh.

And I wonder if Luke will ever find out who his real father is. Obi Kenobi was being all cagey about it, so I think something's up there.

Actually, I heard a huge spoiler for Episode V.

Not listening! La la la la!

Come on, you know you want to know.

No, I absolutely do not.

Tell me.

Luke Skywalker's real father is Boba Fett.

Really? That cloned kid from Episode II? No! Really?

Yep.

Wow. One minute you're holding your dad's severed head, the next you're fathering the last hope of the universe. And all at the age of ten. What an amazing galaxy we live in.

Truly wondrous.

Wow, you know, it’s weird, now that I know how the story turns out, I feel like I no longer have any purpose in life. What am I going to do with my life?

Let’s hope you never find out.

You know, since I’m a hologram... if we had sex right now... It wouldn’t make us gay.

Yes, it would.

Well, maybe you’d be gay. But I’d be okay, cuz I’m a hologram.

Oh, Jesus.

...So what do you say? You wanna feel the Force within you?

(Says something as he gets up and leaves)

What?!

• May 20, 2005 - No Shame Los Angeles
  

  Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.

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