- September 30, 2005 - No Shame Los Angeles
Performed by Julia Carpenter and Isaac Nippert
The following can either be presented as three distinct blackouts and a short monologue or as one piece.
The Evangelical Christian Scientologist
©
2005 Dale GregoryLights up. A WOMAN or MAN is standing center stage facing the audience.)
ANNOUNCER
The Evangelical Christian Scientologist!
MAN/WOMAN
(out to audience to unseen passerby) Excuse me Miss! Did you know that if you do not accept Jesus as your personal savior, he’ll kill you in a lake of fire?
(beat)
Free stress test?
BLACKOUT
The Evangelical Christian Scientologist Scientist
©
2005 Dale Gregory(Lights up. A WOMAN or MAN is standing center stage facing the audience.)
ANNOUNCER
The Evangelical Christian Scientologist Scientist!
WOMAN/MAN
Evolution is of the devil! The devil created evolution! Bones from large, mythical reptiles that roamed the earth before man? That is just silly.
It was Satan that put the dinosaur bones in the earth. To trick us.
Wake up and smell the smoke people! Jesus is coming and he will kill you if you do not accept him as your personal savior.
(beat)
Free stress test?
BLACKOUT
The Unitarian Evangelical Christian Scientologist Science Teacher
©
2005 Dale Gregory(Lights up. A WOMAN or MAN is standing center stage facing the audience.)
ANNOUNCER
The Unitarian Evangelical Christian Scientologist Science Teacher!
WOMAN/MAN
Good morning class. Today we are going to talk about evolution. What exactly is evolution? Well, evolution is whatever you want it to be. No judgments here.
Just remember that Jesus loves you but will kill if you do not accept him as God.
There will no pop quiz this morning but…
(beat)
…there will be a free stress test.
BLACKOUT
The Questioning Unitarian Evangelical Christian Scientologist
©
2005 Dale Gregory(Lights up. A MAN is standing center stage facing the audience.)
ANNOUNCER
The Questioning Unitarian Universalist Evangelical Christian Scientologist!
MAN
I am on a quest for enlightenment! I think. I’m not sure.
Yes. I am. A quest for truth! For me I don’t believe in one truth but many. Well, actually three. Christianity, Buddhism and Scientology. But now I’m not so sure. I’m thinking maybe I should stick with one. Jesus would like that.
I can’t decide though.
Ron Hubbard, Buda or Jesus Christ?
I mean if you really think about it, Ron Hubbard was just a raging sadist with a boat fetish. Jesus was just a hippie with a foot fetish. And Buda was some bored rich kid with a shitty grin on his face.
All three were manic-depressives obsessed with suicide. I think. I’m not sure about Buda. But, he did get fat when he was older, so yes, he must have been.
When Jesus punishes you, he throws you in fire. When Ron Hubbard punishes you, he throws you in the ocean. Buda just sits there and smiles. I like that. But Jesus doesn’t, and I can’t swim. And fire hurts. So it must be Buda I’m after.
I just don’t know what to believe.
Though all three religions have had their fair share of lunatics, I must say that John Travolta, Mel Gibson and Richard Gere all seem like decent people. And they have a lot in common. They’re talented actors. Sometimes. They all have great hair and beautiful eyes.
And damn, do they all have great asses.
Oh wow. I just realized something.
(relieved) It isn’t enlightenment I’m after. It’s a four-way with John Travolta, Mel Gibson and Richard Gere!
(beat)
Free stress test?
BLACKOUT
Performed by Julia Carpenter and Isaac Nippert
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