copyright © 1999 by Adam Hahn

Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na, STUFFING!
Adam Hahn
353-0275

[note: the title should be read in the beat of the theme song from the Batman TV show]

(Lights Up)

(Mom is miming kitchen stuff- peeling potatoes or whatever. Son is trying to get her attention.)

SON: Mom, I really need to talk to you.

MOM: Is this about the stuffing? I know it looks different this year, but I had to make it with salt-free bread. Your father needs to cut down on his sodium. . .

SON: No, mother, this isn't about the stuffing. It isn't about the food at all.

MOM: Good, then it can wait. I'm sorry, son, but I can't talk and cook at the same time. Whatever it is, it'll just have to wait until Christmas.

SON: It can't wait, it's important. And I don't think I'll be around for Christmas, I've already made plans with Robin, and. . .

MOM: Oh, is Robin your new girlfriend?

SON: No, Robin is most definitely not my new girlfriend. In fact, he and I are. . .

MOM: Can't talk and cook at the same time: Take this out to the table.

(Son crosses to table with mimed dish. Dad and Grannie are arguing.)

SON: Hi, Grannie.

GRANNIE: Hello, Sonnie. You're a smart boy, would you please tell your father that Brad Pitt is way more hunky than Leonardo Di Caprio could ever hope to be.

(Mom carries in imaginary food and sits.)

DAD: You're only saying that because Brad Pitt has never been able to keep his shirt on through an entire movie.

GRANNIE: Sorry, son, but I can't argue and say grace at the same time.

(Grannie puts her hands together and bows her head. Son starts to reach for food, but Dad slaps him and points at Grannie. There is an uncomfortable silence until she raises her head.)

GRANNIE: The food looks delicious this year, Audra.
Is there something different about the stuffing?

MOM: No it's the same as always. Son was just telling me about his new girlfriend. What was her name? Robin?

SON: No, mom, not a girlfriend. . . more like a "partner".

MOM: You kids with your political correctness. First "significant other", and now "partner".
Anyway, when do we get to meet your girlfriend?

SON: Mom, I think you're missing my point.

DAD: Pass the gravy.

MOM: Fine, have it your way, when do we get to meet this girl you call your "partner"?

SON: This is what I was trying to explain to you in the kitchen.

MOM: (jumps up and runs to kitchen area) Oh, the dinner roles. . .

SON: Mom, I. . .

GRANNIE: She isn't Jewish, is she?

DAD: Mother!

SON: Who, mom?

GRANNIE: This new girl of yours, is that why you didn't bring her today? Are you dating a Yid?

SON: No, she's not Jewish.
I mean, he is not. . .
I mean. . .

MOM: (returning) Now, they're a little burned, but with some butter they should be OK.

GRANNIE: Audra, your son isn't dating a Jew, is he?

MOM: I don't know. Son, are you dating a Yid?

DAD: Audra!
She isn't Asian, is she?

SON: (pause) No. Listen, let me explain what I've been trying to tell you.

MOM: Pass the butter.

(they eat, Son just watches)

SON: I can't take this anymore!

MOM: Can't take what, dear?

GRANNIE: Probably the stuffing, there's definitely something odd about it this year.

SON: (standing up) I've been living a lie. I'm going to tell you something that I've needed to say since I was thirteen years old.

MOM: Oh God, he is dating an Asian.

SON: No, that's not it. (Take off sweater to reveal Batman logo t-shirt beneath.)
I'm Batman.

GRANNIE: Is that Yiddish?

SON: No, Batman! The Dark Knight, the Caped Crusader.

DAD: You know, I think there is something wrong with the stuffing.

MOM: Honey, Batman is just a fictional character.

SON: Not anymore. I got a cape at Ragstock and I put little ears on a ski mask.
I go out to the ped mall late at night. I hide in the shadows and wait for a chance to fight crime.
I got a guy on my floor to be Robin, and the two of us go on patrols, talking to each other over walkie-talkies.

MOM: And how's that going, dear?

SON: We haven't actually stopped any crime yet, but pretty soon we're going to be real Super Heroes.

DAD: I blame you for this, Audra. You were the one who insisted on putting him in dance lessons because you thought little league was too dangerous.

MOM: Pass the potatoes.

SON: (leaning in) Why does the stuffing look weird?

(Lights Down)

"NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA, NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA, STUFFING!" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

AUTHOR'S NOTES FOR THE NO SHAME FIRST AID KIT:
Ragstock is a new and vintage clothing store. If your community does not have a Ragstock franchise, substitute "Salvation Army" or the name of another store where one might be able to acquire a cape. If you prefer, you may omit the reference.

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