(Eddy is sitting at the table center, to the upstage right sit Henry, Rosetta and Ricky.)
Eddy: That was Oedipus Presley with, “Oh, Mama Gimme Your Lovin’.” Just makes you wanna cry your eyes out, don’t it? Keep your sockets full for now, folks, I’m Eddy Current coming to you from W-H-Y Radio. And I have one Henry Elbow on the line right now. Henry, how do you feel?
Henry: Well, I just got out of prison and I’m having a little trouble fitting in.
Eddy: Superfluous, mi amigo. I’ve got some great news for you, you’re our umpteenth caller, which means you win the free fruit basket, official W-H-Y trophy wife and the free trip to Lunging Trees, a beautiful nature getaway deep in the Mill of Nowhere outside the Virgin Islands and Deflower Springs, where you, not refrigerators, have the inner light. How does that sound, Hank?
Henry: Henry.
Eddy: Doesn’t it, though? Tell me, Hankry, what’s your address, and we’ll truck our stuff on over.
Henry: I don’t really have a place to stay yet. I guess I’m just a citizen of the universe.
Eddy: Mm-hm, and what’s the zip code there?
Henry: Uh...
Eddy: Well, thanks for playing, Hen, and keep your tuner on Why, because if you don’t, who will? All right, I think it’s about time for my favorite portion of the show, the call-in segment. This spot brought to you by Condomints, curiously safe. Surgeon Genital Warning: May cause pregnant..... pauses. Okay, the topic for today is what’s on everybody’s mind, and I know what’s on my mind these days, and I think you know, too. I’m talking about, of course, the upcoming election, one of the toughest decisions to date, should we legalize marijuana or hot dogs? How about it, folks, it’s all up to you, and love ‘em or leave ‘em, you just can’t do both. So, call in, the number of course 229-6000, that’s twenty- two ninety-six thousand and tell me which you prefer, the frankness of a blunt or the bluntness of a frank? I have a miss Rosetta Stone on the line. Go ahead, Rosy.
Rosetta: I’m not fooled for a minute, Eddy. We’re being forced to choose the lesser of two evils. And while marijuana has corrupted the minds and bodies of America’s youth, what has the hot dog ever done for us?
Eddy: You make a good point, Rosy, but what is it?
Rosetta: My point is that this is just a ploy to put consumers in a risky situation, and if you have any concern for the future, you’ll abstain from voting all together.
Eddy: Thank you, Rosetta Stone, you sure can read the writing on the wall. My next caller, a Ricky Skipjack. Ricky?
Ricky: Yes, I’d like to put in a good word for the hot dog, if I could.
Eddy: Certainly, Ricky. Remember, friends, the opinions expressed on W-H-Y’s call-in do not reflect those of the station, but they do become property of the station once voiced. Ricky, what do you have to say?
Ricky: Well, Eddy, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a veteran of the Great War of Chinatown, and I’m proud to have fought both for and against these U.S. States of America.
Eddy: As well you should be. Wasn’t it Winchell Churcheap who said in his many words, “Never before have so many done so much that meant so little.”
Ricky: Hear, hear.
Eddy: And there, too.
Ricky: Yes, everywhere. Which brings me to my point. In these troubled times of disillusionment, uncertainty and astrology, I being a Virgin...
Eddy: I’m a Sanitarious myself.
Ricky: Oh, our moons are in the same house. But like I was saying, I feel that in these trying times, we as a nation should fall back on the frankfurter, as an ambiguous source of nutrition, as American as apple strudel or Uncle Sam herself.
Eddy: Well, Ricky, your patriotism is as thick as the apple strudel you mentioned there.
Ricky: Yes, I’m thick, all right. Thick and tired of hippies burning bras and draft cards and campfires. It’s time we stood up to them and showed them who’s boss- the hot dog, Eddy, the hot dog is.
Eddy: It sure is, Ricky, and it I’d love to chat with you longer, but I’ve just run out time. Thanks for calling.
Ricky: Semper fidelis.
Eddy: E Pluribus unum. And that wraps up another call-in segment for today, we’ll play some more music here, this next one from the Alley Kids, the new hit teen sensationalists, but before that, I have a little ad to read here. Tune in this Friday to Death Penalty Live. See your favorite felons as you’ll never see them again , as the icy hand of death slaps them on the wrist for the last time. It’s fun, it’s fatal, it’s family entertainment. I’m Eddy Current, and this is over.
(Blackout.)
"Radio Free Ferall" debuted 3/26/99, performed by Mark Hansen, Brad Smith, Aprille Clarke and Jamal River.
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