(Lights up on bare stage. Ted is seated center. Enter Ted 2.)
Ted 2: Hi.
Ted: Hello.
Ted 2: Why the long face?
Ted: It's genetic.
Ted 2: Oh. (Long pause.) Why so blue?
Ted: I have a noose around my neck. It's cutting off my circulation.
Ted 2: Oh. (Another long pause.) Are you sad or something?
Ted: A little.
(Kaplan enters, all verve and vitality. Not really, I just thought that sounded good.)
Kaplan: Did you guys hear the news?
Ted & Ted 2: Yes.
Kaplan: Cool. (He exits.)
Ted 2: So, why are you so sad?
Ted: My parrot died.
Ted 2: Yeah, that's always hard.
Ted: It's rough, cuz his last words really hurt, they were, "God Dammit, bird, if you repeat me one more time, I'll kill you." That really hurts.
Ted 2: You poor thing.
(Kaplan enters.)
Kaplan: Hey, why does everyone look so perturbed?
Ted 2: We're not perturbed, we're just sad.
Kaplan: Oh. Cool. (He exits, then enters.) Wait. Why?
Ted: Dead parrot.
Kaplan: Gotcha. That's rough. What were his last words?
Ted 2: The horror! The horror!
Ted: That is not what he said!
Ted 2: Well, it was something like that.
Ted: That's not it, either.
Ted 2: Well, fine, then, Mr. I remember everything. What was it then?
Ted: I don't know.
Kaplan: Cool. (Begins to exit.)
Ted: Wait! Before you go, I'd just like to have a moment of silence.
Kaplan: Okay.
(They all join hands in a circle.)
All: Whoa, silence!
Ted: Thanks. I feel better now.
Ted 2: Yeah, it helps to be a little reverent now and then. So, you want to got tell some bad jokes?
Ted: You mean, like in a comedy sketch?
Ted 2: Whatever you want, buddy. Whatever you want.
Kaplan: Cool.
Ted: Okay. Here's one I've been working on for a couple weeks. It's not much, yet, but
Kaplan: (Suddenly irate) Just tell the freaking joke!!!
Ted: Okay so you know nicknames are all funny? Like Bob for Robert, I mean, what's that? Or Peg for Margaret? Peg! Anyway, there's this guy I know named Richard, except we all call him Dick, cuz he's such a huge jerk.
Kaplan: Okay, your turn is over.
Ted 2: Me next now. Knock, knock.
Kaplan: Who's there?
Ted 2: Grace.
Kaplan: Grace who?
Ted 2: Gray stones could be granite.
Kaplan: Okay, your turn is likewise over. Now, it's my turn. How many, let's see, an occupation, um, how many killers, or how many scary killers does it take to accept UN security forms, ooh, ooh, how many scary killers does it take to accept scary UN security forms?
(Pause, silence.)
Kaplan: Go on, ask how many?
(Another silence.)
Kaplan: Okay, I'll just tell you. 4. 2 to accept them, and 2 to fill them out, and be scary.
Ted 2: When the hell does this sketch end?
Ted: Uh now.
Kaplan: Cool. (He exits.)
(Okay, lights now.)
"I WROTE THIS SKETCH ALL BY MYSELF WITH ABSOLUTELY NO HELP FROM ANYONE ELSE" IS
COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED,
TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION
OF THE AUTHOR
"I Wrote This Sketch All By Myself with Absolutely NO Help From Anyone Else" debuted April 23, 1999.
Cast: Ted: Arlen Lawson, Ted 2: Mark Hansen, Kaplan: Brad Smith.
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