GO FISH
LIGHTS UP
US
(shuffles cards) See? Nothing up my sleeve. (while dealing 5 cards to himself and Iraq he says) I won the coin toss, so I go first. Iraq, do you have excessively sandy… deserts?
IRAQ
(hands over card) Poop.
US
Iraq, do you have fast food hamburger chains?
IRAQ
Ha! Go fish. (US picks up a card) America, do you have….the second largest oil reserve in the world?
US
Not yet. Go fish. (Iraq picks up a card) Iraq…..do you have weapons …of Mass Destruction?
IRAQ
Go fish. ( US picks up a card) America, do you have a Leader …… that was not really elected by the public?
US
Damn. (hands over card)
IRAQ
America, do you have a high ranking government official whose company will benefit immensely from Iraqi reconstruction?
US
(tosses card onto table) Crap.
IRAQ
Do you have tens of thousands of innocent American citizens who remember their government imprisoning them in camps forcing them to
live a bleak humiliating life in tar paper barracks behind barbed wire and under armed guard from 1942 to 1946 ?
US
(flings the card down) Fuck.
IRAQ
America, have you used weapons of mass destruction to annihilate hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians, not once but twice?
US
(flings two card at Iraq) Fuckitty Fuck.
IRAQ
Have you or your father sold anthrax and weapons–biological, chemical, or otherwise–to countries in the Middle East?
US
Would that include Iran, Iraq, Syria, Jordan or Israel?
IRAQ
Of course.
US
(long pause)
Go fish.
IRAQ
Curses! (US picks up a card)
US
Do you have any of your cultural or literary treasures left in your country?
IRAQ
Go fish your head out your ass!
US
A little thenthitive, are we? (picks a card) Got it! Look, I have cultural and literary treasures in my country!
IRAQ
You are a boob.
US
Do you have a ridiculous moustache?
IRAQ
Go fish.
US
Liar! (picks a card)
IRAQ
Takes one to know one! Do you have anidiotic smile, a honey glazed walnut for a brain, a DUI record and a drunkard for a wife?
US
Pagan! (tosses two cards at him)
IRAQ
Do you have a father who led his country into economic ruin?
US
Towelhead! (tosses another card at him)
IRAQ
Do you have a similar economic plan that, like your father’s plan, will benefit the rich and big businesses while putting economic duress on the poor?
US
Sandnigger! (tosses a card)
IRAQ
Do you have a country of 263,000,000 people who are blinded by your phony war against "evil doers and rogue nations" and see this war and your domestic policies as get-rich-quick-schemes for you and your Republican buddies and corporations at the expense of the general public? (silence) Well, do you? (silence) Do you have a country of 2.63 million people who are fooled by you? (silence) Do you??? Do you?
US
(slowly turns to audience and smiles)
FADE TO BLACK
"GO FISH" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"GO FISH" debuted April 18, 2003, performed by Dave Ulrich, Chris Clarke. Directed by J.J. Hickey.
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