copyright © 2003 Allen Hoover

No Shame Theatre

"The Debate"

Allen Hoover

4-21-03

Charlottesville, VA

Announcer

Good evening ladies and gentleman. As many of you have no doubt already heard, our two speakers for this evening have been detained by the office of homeland security. Since we’re not privy to what the charges may be, we can only hope they’ll be back next week.

We were, however, able to obtain each of the speaker’s notes for this evening, and we have asked two members of our audience to read them for us here tonight. Mr. Jones, our librarian, will read "Twelve things you might not know about Saddam Hussein", and Mr. Smith, who works for the post office, will read for us the counter argument, "Twelve things you might not know about George Bush."

You may begin, Mr. Jones.

Jones

Thank you very much. Twelve things you might not know about Saddam Hussein.

  1. Though an election was held to give the populace a feeling of democracy, he was actually appointed to his position by a small and loyal cabal.
  2. Smith looks at his paper slightly perplexed

  3. He controls huge stockpiles of nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons and has indicated he will use them.
  4. He comes from a dry, desolate, desert where executing the poor and mentally deficient is commonplace.
  5. Smith tries to get announcer’s attention

  6. Despite countless evidence to the contrary, he is a fluent speaker of the English language.
  7. He has no qualms about invading sovereign nations whom he believes have done wrong.
  8. Smith tries more frantically to get announcer’s attention

  9. He believes God gives him direction and the moral backing for his decisions.
  10. He has allowed his military to imprison suspected enemies, even citizens of his own country, indefinitely and without charges.
  11. He has passed other prisoners off to nations for whom torture is a given.
  12. Smith puts hands in his face

  13. He uses fear and known-to-be false information to scare his subjects into supporting his regime.
  14. He does not believe that international rules or environmental standards should apply to his country.
  15. He sees no problem with a black and white world in which he is the arbitrator of good and evil.
  16. He often relies on his close family members for political decisions.

Announcer

Okay then, Mr. Smith your rebuttal.

Smith

Looks ashen.

I’m really uncomfortable with this.

Announcer

Nonsense, you’ll do just fine.

Smith

Umm…okay, here goes.

Reluctantly

  1. Though an election was held to give the populace a feeling of democracy, he was actually appointed to his position by a small and loyal cabal.
  2. He controls huge stockpiles of nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons and has indicated he will use them.
  3. He comes from a dry, desolate, desert where executing the poor and mentally deficient is commonplace.
  4. Despite countless evidence to the contrary, he is a fluent speaker of the English language.
  5. He has no qualms about invading sovereign nations whom he believes have done wrong.
  6. He believes God gives him direction and the moral backing for his decisions.
  7. He has allowed his military to imprison suspected enemies, even citizens of his own country, indefinitely and without charges.
  8. He has passed other prisoners off to nations for whom torture is a given.
  9. He uses fear and known-to-be false information to scare his subjects into supporting his regime.
  10. He does not believe that international rules or environmental standards should apply to his country.
  11. Is so mortified he can barely finish the list

  12. He sees no problem with a black and white world in which he is the arbitrator of good and evil.
  13. He often relies on his close family members for political decisions.
  14. Excuse me! I think there’s been a mistake. I have the same list.

Announcer walks over and looks at Smith’s list.

Announcer

Pauses awkwardly

Hmm. So all right. Let’s just call that a draw. Well then, this debate is concluded. Thank you all for coming, and feel free to help yourself to some punch in the lobby. And let us never speak of this again.

"The Debate" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"The Debate" debuted at No Shame Goes To War (Charlottesville), on March 21, 2003, performed by Christopher Carter, Scott Silet, and Allen Hoover.

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