The Fish Bowl
by Jocelyn Hughes
LISA and BOBBY sit around a conference table at a major Hollywood studio.
Lisa: So, Ive read your screenplay and I think it sucks
Bobby: Oh
Lisa: Yeah, your dialogue is just atrocious, your characters have absolutely no arc and obviously plot is a little too sophisticated for you. Youve heard of conflict resolution before, right? Any way, all constructive I hope? Tell me again why you decided to become a screenwriter? Wait, dont tell me, you were fat, unattractive and your best friends were Strunk and White? No, just joking youre pretty thin.
Bobby: Thanks?
Lisa: I was also joking about the Strunk and White part. In case you dont know they were writing partners for majority of the grammar books you read in high school. I realize that joke may be a little (using her hands to indicate air quotes) "highbrow" for you. Youve heard of that phrase before, right? Now that were cooking with gas, a writing partner may not be such a bad idea for you. Ill give Allan Ball a call and ask him to write something that you can put your name on not! Goodness.
(Awkward pause)
(Overly friendly) So, how are you?
Bobby: Good?
Lisa: Are you asking me or telling me?
Bobby: No, no, Im good. I was telling you. I was telling.
Lisa: Okay, well, any questions?
Bobby: Well, actually, I do have one question if you dont mind?
Lisa: No, not at all, thats what Im here for. Shoot.
Bobby: Well, do you think its marketable?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Bobby: Oh, well do you think it could make money?
Lisa: Oh. OH, oh my God yes! Yeah, Im sorry. I guess I should have told you that part first. We would love to option it. No wander youre not excited. I was getting confused. Goodness, where is my brain today? Out to lunch obviously eating a chocolate covered banana. Yeah, we think this is a goldmine. No doubt well make a fortune. You may even get a small percentage of that fortune if you play your cards right Mr. I think we were going to skip right over the development process and go straight to pre-production. Nobody writes crap like you Bobby. THIS. IS. CLASS. A! Definitely a box office smash. Is this your first draft?
Bobby: Yup
Lisa: Wow, you are a natural.
Bobby: Thanks. Yeah, I wasnt sure if I should clean it up or not but, then I thought, why mess with perfection? Go with your instincts, you know?
Lisa: Good for you, thats what I like to hear. No doubt your instincts are right on the mark for blockbuster success in Hollywood. You sure youve never written a screenplay before?
Bobby: Oh my god, how did you know?
Lisa: I think your inability to pitch a story gave it away but honestly, I cant remember. I got lost in your blue eyes and stopped listening half way through the conversation.
Bobby: Wow, thats pretty funny.
Lisa: Really? I just thought of that too.
Bobby: No way?!
Lisa: Maybe we could be writing partners? What do you think?
Bobby: No. I like working alone. That way Im surprised when someone likes my work. Its like not knowing the sex of your baby before having it even though there are technological advancements that allow such knowledge to be made available at your discretion.
(Beat)
Lisa: Excellent observation.
Bobby: Thank you. That means a lot.
Lisa: No problem.
(Silence as Lisa gets lost in his eyes for a moment and struggles to regain focus)
So where were we. Ahhh, yes. So, wed like to option When Hookers Attack for 10 years for $500. Does that work for you?
Bobby: Sounds great
Lisa: Excellent. Well, Ill call you later in the week with the details.
Bobby: Cool. Thanks Lisa
Lisa: So, heres my card and my home address is on the back. Does nine tonight work for you or do you have some kind of writing class?
Bobby: Oh, no I can cancel. Nines great?
Lisa: Is that a question?
Bobby: Nope, not a question.
Lisa: See you later.
Bobby: See ya
Lisa: Oh, and can you send the next guy in for me? Absolutely fantastic writer but were passing
Bobby: Sure. Bye
Lisa: Bye
(Bobby exits stage BLACKOUT.)
"The Fish Bowl" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"The Fish Bowl" debuted November 22, 2002, performed by Tisha Terrasini and Mike Rotschild.