Bad News
By Joshua James
Daryl is reading the evening paper. His wife Meryl enters.
Daryl
Meryl, where have you been? You didnt come home last night.
Meryl
Daryl, I have a confession to make.
Daryl
You do?
Meryl
Its a rather upsetting confession.
Daryl
What is it, Meryl?
Meryl
Its going to make you angry.
Daryl
Its going to make me angry?
Meryl
Really angry. Really, REALLY ANGRY. Youre going to be furious. Youre going to be livid with rage, youre going to be homicidally pissed off, you are going be incredibly, incredibly angry to a degree that the actual temperature in this room will rise once you hear what I have done, thats how angry you are going to get.
Daryl
Wow. Thats pretty angry.
Meryl
But I cant keep it to myself anymore, I have to brave the violence of your temper and confess what I have done.
Daryl
Goodness. Maybe I should take my Zoloft now as opposed to later?
Meryl
No, no, I cant wait any more. I must confess. I have to tell you. Daryl. Im leaving you.
Daryl
Leaving me? But why?
Meryl
Its a long story. Ive been cheating on you.
Daryl
Cheating on me? With who?
Meryl
With your boss at work.
Daryl
Oh.
Meryl
And your co-worker Ben.
Daryl
Oh.
Meryl
And his secretary.
Daryl
Oh.
Meryl
And his secretarys husband.
Daryl
Ah.
Meryl
And his secretarys brother. All at the same time.
Daryl
Hmmm.
Meryl
We filmed it, the orgy. And they showed it at the last office Christmas party after you passed out. We even had popcorn.
Daryl
Popcorn.
Meryl
We used real butter on the popcorn, too, I know, were terrible people. And after the party, I had sex with the building custodian just because he complimented me on my thighs. Basically, Ive had sex with nearly everyone you see while youre at work. And your brother. And also the boy that delivers the morning paper.
Daryl
The paperboy? But hes only thirteen.
Meryl
Fourteen, he just turned fourteen. But before you lose complete control, theres more.
Daryl
More?
Meryl
I wrecked your car, your treasured Jaguar, I got high and totaled it last night. Actually, thats not true, although I was high, I wasnt driving. See, I had to let the paperboy drive, hes been dying to drive it and I promised him that once he got his learners permit I would let him. I had to let him drive the car otherwise he was going to tell his mother that he and I were showering together every afternoon. So he was driving and while he was driving I was . . . servicing him, I guess you could say, servicing him orally, and he got so excited during said servicing that he ran right into the back of a schoolbus. Thats why I didnt come home last night, I was in jail for molesting a minor. The kids still in the hospital in critical condition. But theres more. I mortgaged the house and sold your motorcycle in order to make bail. I plan on skipping bail, so start looking for another place to live. Oh, that reminds me, youre flat broke.
Daryl
Broke?
Meryl
Youre broke. I emptied your savings accounts, cashed in all the CDs and T-bills and emptied your 401K. I did this last week, unfortunately, before I knew I was going to need bail money. I spent the money on botox treatments for my thighs, they really needed the work, and all the rest on heroin, Ive recently developed something of a habit, by the way you need to get an HIV test, I forgot to tell you.
Daryl
HIV?
Meryl
Theres more. Your dog Skippy didnt run away, I had him put to sleep, I didnt like the way he was looking at me so I had him put him down. Actually, thats not true, I didnt have him put down, it costs a lot of money to put a dog to sleep, like about two hundred bucks, so instead I gave him to some farmer who killed him by hitting him over the head with a shovel. That way only costs five bucks. Oh, that reminds me, your mother didnt pass away peacefully in her sleep at the rest home. I smothered her with a pillow and then sold all of her vital organs on the black market. Also, Ive been lying to you, my real name isnt Meryl, my real name is Mayreagonnoyustof and Im here illegally from Lebanon.
Brief pause as Daryl lowers his head and purses his lips He sighs.
Daryl
Well Meryl, I have to say that I am very, very disappointed in you.
Meryl
I know, I know, you have every right to be furious with me.
Daryl
Well. I am pretty upset by all this. But I think that youve seen the error of your ways and appear to be genuinely contrite so . . . why dont we just let bygones be bygones?
Daryl brings his paper back up.
Meryl
Im afraid that theres more bad news.
Daryl
More bad news?
Meryl
With uh . . . with everything thats been happening, I . . . I havent . . . uh . . . I havent paid the cable bill in quite awhile. Months and months.
Daryl lowers his paper. Meryl hides her face in her hands.
Daryl
You dont mean . . .
Meryl
Its true. Theyve cancelled our subscription.
Daryl slams his paper down on the floor.
Daryl
Fuck! Motherfuck! SHIT!
Meryl
Im sorry! Im sorry! Im sorry!
Daryl stands and takes off his belt, looping it around his hand.
Daryl
Now youve gone too far.
Meryl screams.
Blackout
"Bad News" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
featuring Adam Devine and Maggie Bell
featuring Joshua James and Courtney Jones