The Best Sex I ever Had
By Joshua James
Let me tell you about the best sex I ever had.
Now Ive had lots of sex, believe you me, sex is something I know more than a little bit about, Ive got the books, the training videos, Ive done my homework. Ive got the tools, the technology, Im like the six million dollar man only for less money and with a smoother chest.
Bottom line, Im an experienced sexual freak and I know what Im talking about. Ive had good sex, bad sex, good-bad sex and bad-good sex. Ive had loads of sex.
But the sex I want to share with you is the story of the best sex I ever had, and when I say best I mean BEST. Were not talking just PORN level-sex, were not talking just Gilligan-MaryAnne-And-Ginger-in-a-three-way level of sex, I mean, were talking Olympic-porn-star-floating-weightless-and-naked-on-the-Milleniumn-Falcon-as-the-death-star-explodes level of sex here, thats the kind of sexual ecstasy were talking about and that Im going to share with you tonight. Im talking about UBER sex. Super UBER FANTASTICAL SEX.
You know what I just now realized? I dont have that much sex anymore. It just now came to me. I dont even remember . . . Shit, when was the last time I . . . long fucking time ago. Theres a rule somewhere, where if you have to think how long its been since youve had sex, then its been too fucking long. Oh my God. What the hell has happened to me? Why havent I been having loads and loads of sex?
Its not for lack of opportunities, I mean, look at me, Im a stud. Im an obvious stud, so why arent I having truckloads of sex?
I know what it is. Its the news. I watch the news all the time. Even when Im not watching the news, I thinking about the news, Im thinking "I wonder whats on the news?"
Used to be all I thought about was sex, get a girl, get her into bed and get her to make the little squirrel noises. Even when I wasnt having sex, I was watching sex on TV or the internet, looking to pick up pointers and tips, I was thinking about sex. I thought about sex all the time. That used to be my mission in life! That used to be the pig in my whistle.
Now I watch CNN all day every day. I barely think about sex because of all the news.
But can you blame me? Have you watched the news lately? Its ridiculous, Im afraid to NOT watch the news, I mean, my street could get blown up and I could end up stepping out into the radiation without knowing it unless I watch it on the news. You got to watch the news, especially now that theyve got everything color-coded and so you gotta watch every day just to keep track. Used to be that when the President gave a live speech on TV, that was prime fucking time. Who didnt have sex when Clinton was giving a speech? You had to have sex when he was President, its like a rule somewhere. Clinton talks, people fuck. But now, when the doofus thats got the job now has a speech, you have to pay attention because theres no telling what that dingleberrys liable to do. Between him and the terrorists, its next to impossible to get a hard-on.
Its not just me, everybodys watching the news, men and women, watching and waiting for the next big thing, waiting for the next big shoe to drop, the next big BOOM.
You guys hear that they caught that super terrorist, Bin Ladens number one guy, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, you heard that, right? How could you not hear it, it was on the news everywhere. Did you see his picture?
Holds up newspaper picture of Mohammend.
Youve seen this picture, right? Now heres a guy that needs to get laid. This guy fascinates me. Look at him. I think if he got laid more, maybe he wouldnt have killed all those people. Maybe he figured, Im a fat ugly hairy bastard, so instead of making a positive contribution to world Ill become a terrorist and blow everybody up. Thats probably what happened.
Heres whats interesting. Dont you think he looks exactly like Ron Jeremy? I think he looks exactly like the porn star Ron Jeremy, you guys know him, right? Looks just like him! They could be Goddamn twins, they could. Imagine, if we could have just hooked Khalid Sheikh Mohammed up with Ron Jeremy, maybe they could have become buddies, teamed up, made a bunch of twin brother porn movies, sort of like the Van Damme movies but with porn instead of kickboxing, we couldve had Khalid do that and maybe he wouldnt have been so angry at the world, I mean, look at Ron Jeremy, thats one happy fucking guy, Ron Jeremy. Ron Jeremy never blew shit up.
Instead we have Khalids picture and face in the news everywhere and Ron Jeremy is probably really pissed off.
I wonder how many other nasty, murderous not-getting-laid-so-instead-Ill-blow-shit-up-type guys like this are out there. I wonder when well see them on the news. I wonder whats on the news right now.
Who can think about great sex at a time like this?
How can I talk to you about the best sex I ever had when next week, or tomorrow, or tonight or even in ten minutes, the world as we know it might suddenly cease to be and we might not be here anymore?
I guess that I cant.
"The Best Sex I ever Had" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"The Best Sex I ever Had" debuted March 7, 2003, performed by Joshua James.