copyright © 2003 Joshua James

The Best Sex I ever Had

By Joshua James

Let me tell you about the best sex I ever had.

Now I’ve had lots of sex, believe you me, sex is something I know more than a little bit about, I’ve got the books, the training videos, I’ve done my homework. I’ve got the tools, the technology, I’m like the six million dollar man only for less money and with a smoother chest.

Bottom line, I’m an experienced sexual freak and I know what I’m talking about. I’ve had good sex, bad sex, good-bad sex and bad-good sex. I’ve had loads of sex.

But the sex I want to share with you is the story of the best sex I ever had, and when I say best I mean BEST. We’re not talking just PORN level-sex, we’re not talking just Gilligan-MaryAnne-And-Ginger-in-a-three-way level of sex, I mean, we’re talking Olympic-porn-star-floating-weightless-and-naked-on-the-Milleniumn-Falcon-as-the-death-star-explodes level of sex here, that’s the kind of sexual ecstasy were talking about and that I’m going to share with you tonight. I’m talking about UBER sex. Super UBER FANTASTICAL SEX.


You know what I just now realized? I don’t have that much sex anymore. It just now came to me. I don’t even remember . . . Shit, when was the last time I . . . long fucking time ago. There’s a rule somewhere, where if you have to think how long it’s been since you’ve had sex, then it’s been too fucking long. Oh my God. What the hell has happened to me? Why haven’t I been having loads and loads of sex?

It’s not for lack of opportunities, I mean, look at me, I’m a stud. I’m an obvious stud, so why aren’t I having truckloads of sex?

Short pause.

I know what it is. It’s the news. I watch the news all the time. Even when I’m not watching the news, I thinking about the news, I’m thinking "I wonder what’s on the news?"

Used to be all I thought about was sex, get a girl, get her into bed and get her to make the little squirrel noises. Even when I wasn’t having sex, I was watching sex on TV or the internet, looking to pick up pointers and tips, I was thinking about sex. I thought about sex all the time. That used to be my mission in life! That used to be the pig in my whistle.

Now I watch CNN all day every day. I barely think about sex because of all the news.

But can you blame me? Have you watched the news lately? It’s ridiculous, I’m afraid to NOT watch the news, I mean, my street could get blown up and I could end up stepping out into the radiation without knowing it unless I watch it on the news. You got to watch the news, especially now that they’ve got everything color-coded and so you gotta watch every day just to keep track. Used to be that when the President gave a live speech on TV, that was prime fucking time. Who didn’t have sex when Clinton was giving a speech? You had to have sex when he was President, it’s like a rule somewhere. Clinton talks, people fuck. But now, when the doofus that’s got the job now has a speech, you have to pay attention because there’s no telling what that dingleberry’s liable to do. Between him and the terrorists, it’s next to impossible to get a hard-on.

It’s not just me, everybody’s watching the news, men and women, watching and waiting for the next big thing, waiting for the next big shoe to drop, the next big BOOM.

You guys hear that they caught that super terrorist, Bin Laden’s number one guy, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, you heard that, right? How could you not hear it, it was on the news everywhere. Did you see his picture?

Holds up newspaper picture of Mohammend.

You’ve seen this picture, right? Now here’s a guy that needs to get laid. This guy fascinates me. Look at him. I think if he got laid more, maybe he wouldn’t have killed all those people. Maybe he figured, I’m a fat ugly hairy bastard, so instead of making a positive contribution to world I’ll become a terrorist and blow everybody up. That’s probably what happened.

Here’s what’s interesting. Don’t you think he looks exactly like Ron Jeremy? I think he looks exactly like the porn star Ron Jeremy, you guys know him, right? Looks just like him! They could be Goddamn twins, they could. Imagine, if we could have just hooked Khalid Sheikh Mohammed up with Ron Jeremy, maybe they could have become buddies, teamed up, made a bunch of twin brother porn movies, sort of like the Van Damme movies but with porn instead of kickboxing, we could’ve had Khalid do that and maybe he wouldn’t have been so angry at the world, I mean, look at Ron Jeremy, that’s one happy fucking guy, Ron Jeremy. Ron Jeremy never blew shit up.

Instead we have Khalid’s picture and face in the news everywhere and Ron Jeremy is probably really pissed off.

I wonder how many other nasty, murderous not-getting-laid-so-instead-I’ll-blow-shit-up-type guys like this are out there. I wonder when we’ll see them on the news. I wonder what’s on the news right now.

Who can think about great sex at a time like this?

How can I talk to you about the best sex I ever had when next week, or tomorrow, or tonight or even in ten minutes, the world as we know it might suddenly cease to be and we might not be here anymore?

I guess that I can’t.

I’m sorry.

Black out.



Author's Note - as a prop, I used a copy of the March 4 issue of the New York Post, which had on its cover an extremely large picture of the terrorist Khalid Sheihk Mohammend to underscore his resemblence to porn star Ron Jeremy - The New York audience enjoyed it very much, altho I don't know how possible it is to get a copy of that issue in order to do the piece elsewhere.

"The Best Sex I ever Had" debuted March 7, 2003, performed by Joshua James.

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