FUCK ALL YALL PART 2
The Entertainment Report
By Joshua James
To all those Broadway producers that blame terrorism for slumping ticket sales and not the shitty product theyre putting onstage.
To all those Broadway producers, who for some reason think that a two-hour play or musical is somehow worth one hundred dollars per ticket.
FUCK YOU, YOU DUMB FUCKERS!
I dont know about you, but if Im paying a hundred dollars a ticket, I expect to get dinner and a blow-job in addition to the show. Lets face it, at these prices theyre not in the business of producing theatre for real working people of America, theyre in the business of corn-holing non-English speaking tourists from other countries. And let me tell you something, taking a classic movie and adding some song and dance does not a great musical make, so stop fucking making that shit. Urban Cowboy the musical? Please. Get the fuck out of here. For all those Broadway producers that complain there isnt any material worth putting on Broadway and yet they never come to see great theatre like No Shame theatre. Broadway, this one is for you.
FUCK ALL YALL!
Speaking of shit . . . lets go to the movies, shall we? This goes to Hollywood. Look, Goddamn it, if it says in the newspaper that the movie starts at seven, then I expect the fucking movie to start at seven, not seven-fucking-forty-fucking-five! If you think that anyone wants to sit through forty-fucking-five minutes of dumb-ass commercials . . .
Thats why I have TiVo, thats why I watch HBO, because there are no Goddamn commercials and the shows start at exactly the time theyre supposed to start! What really burns my ass these days are the movie previews, which now show you the entire three act story of the movie. They give the fucking end of the movie away! Previews used to be cool, previews used to be fun, now when I watch previews I feel like Im being read to by a Special Ed teacher. To the Hollywood marketing department, this is what I have to say to you.
FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKERS! FUCK YOU!
One more thing Hollywood, and this is important, would you fucking stop taking the coolest movies from the seventies and remaking them. Theres this thing called "originality", start looking it up. Did we really NEED another Rollerball? I dont think so! The first Willard movie was great, there is no need to make another one, especially if youre going to fuck it up and lets face it, shall we? Theyre going to fuck it up. They always fuck it up. Otherwise Mr. Deeds starring Adam Sandler would be one of the five Best Picture nominees but surprise, its not, and instead Frank Capra is screaming in torment somewhere in the universe right fucking now, screaming at the top of his lungs . . .
FUCK ALL YALL!
Speaking of complete and utter shit, lets talk about Reality TV. This is what I have to say about Reality TV.
First of all, the very fact that they call it Reality TV is just fucking bullshit and you know why? Because its not REAL! None of them are real! The only thing real about those shows is that they are really cheap and really shitty.
Reality TV is not real in any way, shape or form! You would never get a chance to sing in front Paula Abdul in the real world. Not a fucking chance in the world, and not only that, none of those women would never even THINK about dating that dumb ass Bachelor guy, much less marrying him, if the cameras werent there. Its bullshit! And let me tell you something, if you really stranded a bunch of people in the wild and told them they had to survive for real, prison rules would immediately come into effect. Somebodys gonna get shanked and somebodys gonna get fucked.
FUCKED UP THE ASS!
Thats what a survivor show would look like in real life. Like prison. If you find yourself trapped on an island with me and I get hungry, youd better start watching your ass. Theres only one show even close to reality on television right now that that show is COPS. Because those are real cops pulling over real drunks who have no idea that theres a camera running. Thats a reality show, and as for the rest of them . . .
FUCK OFF YOU WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT!
Im getting angry just thinking about it. Now theyre even doing pre-arranged marriages on TV, where the bride and groom dont get to meet each other until it happens, then bing! Married. Such fucking bullshit. This is what prime-time has fallen to, turning to the Moonies for inspiration. Ive got more taste in the tip of my penis. And its your fault, because fifty million people are watching this shit every night and I know some of you fuckers are in this room and you know its dumb and you know its useless but still, whenever Fear Factor is on you sit your ass down and watch it and Goddamn it . . .
WAKE THE FUCK UP, DUMB-ASS!
Because, and this is important, because SHIT STICKS. Let me say that again. SHIT STICKS. Thats right, you watch enough reality shit, sooner or later it sticks to you and thats the only kind of taste that you will ever have. Shit. You see shit movies, then you have shit taste. Thats what youre not understanding, all the producers of these tv shows and movies and plays and musicals, they all think that we are dumb as shit. We, the audience, that watch them. They think that were all retarded and you know what? They just might be right. People are watching Pop Idol and thats why Hollywood keeps making more fucked up bullshit just like it and its your fault. You watch it. I mean, they make those Adam Sandler movies for a reason, and that reason is that millions of dumb fucking retards are paying to see those movies. I know that some of you here right now forked over ten bucks to see Deeds or Little Nicky or The Waterboy, I know youre there and its your fucking fault. Damn it, thats why we get movies starring those master thespians The Rock and DMX! Thats why we get reality shows starring those geniuses Corey Feldman and Vince Neil! If you dumb fuckers would just stop going to see those movies, then they would stop making them! If you dumb fuckers just stopped watching that reality shit, they wouldnt put it on! Its that fucking simple! Just say NO! To Adam Sandler, to The Rock, to American Idol, Survivor, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Joe Millionaire, Big Brother, Dog Eat Dog and Fear Factor and anyone and everyone thats gone to see those movies or watched those shows, this one is for you . . .
FUCK ALL YALL! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK ALL YALL!
Black out."Fuck All Y'all - Part 2 - The Entertainment Report" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Fuck All Y'all - Part 2 - The Entertainment Report" debuted March 14, 2003, featuring:
with special guests
Adam Devine and Sarah Maxfield
(who shouted the profanity out at the top of their lungs)