WILLIE THE WANKER
(by Joshua James)
I first started touching myself when I was five.
It first happened just because I was in the bathtub and I was bored, I couldn't get out until Mom said I was done, she hated it when I jumped in then jumped out, said I couldn't be clean yet, get my butt back in there. So I was sitting in the tub, bored out of my mind, and I looked down and there it was, just hanging there. So I started to flip it back and forth, you know, just goofing around, playing army guy with my little thingie, when all of a sudden it the whole game took a very different perspective. My little soldier stood up at attention.
I was in the tub quite awhile that day. My mom was very pleased.
Me and my army guy ended up goin' to war quite often. By the time I was nine, I was whacking off two, three times a day. I became quite accomplished at it. Every morning and every evening was a call to arms. My baths got longer and longer. By the time I got to high school, I was practically a gold medallist in endurance solo-spurting. It is a talent I carry with me today. I am a Zen-master at masturbation.
Jacking off feels good, I mean, people do it for a reason, they do it because it feels good. That's why I do it. I like it. I'm good at it. We all want to be good at something, and I'm good at whacking off.
The problem is, whenever I hook up with a babe, she don't know my body as well as I do, I mean, I know all my special spots, I know my timing and rhythm and how to get the most bang out of my buck. So when I get it on with a babe, I always get short-changed. She gets the fireworks and I get a couple of teeny-tiny firecrackers. The real show always happens after she goes home.
I've actually faked an orgasm. They say it can't be done by a man, well, I've done it. I did it. I just wanted to be done with it and get my ass home and jack off, but I couldn't pop off no matter how hard she'd grind away at me. So I faked it, I made a lot of noise, and a big ugly face like this . . .
He makes a face.
And I went "OH, OH, OOOOHHH. OH BABY" and just sorta collapsed on her. And she bought it. I mean, why not, it's not like she's gonna look in the condom and check, you know? And later that night, after I went home, me and my sergeant-at-arms, we had ourselves one hell of a party.
I used to feel a little bit bad about it, but . . . I got over it. The way I figure it, sex with someone you love is what we all strive for, and I believe me and my soldier deserve the very best.
And that's me.THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Robb Barnard