Lee

[Agitated. Pissed.]

What is this?

Leslie

What?

Lee

This!

Leslie

It’s … it’s that thing. You, know? That thing.

Lee

Yeah, but what is it? [Beat. Leslie shrugs.] Is this some kind of gift or something?

Leslie

It’s that thing. You said you wanted it.

Lee

Why’d you give me a gift?

Leslie

[Still confused.]

I don’t …

Lee

It’s not my birthday.

Leslie

It’s not a birthday gift.

Lee

But it’s a gift.

Leslie

Yes. We passed by it. You said you wanted it. There you go.

Lee

It’s July.

Leslie

Yeah. Do you want to return it?

Lee

You already gave me that other thing …

Leslie

[Getting pissed now.]

Look, I know it’s not your birthday!

Lee

But you gave me a gift!

Leslie

Yes! We passed by it! We saw it! You said, "Ooo, I want that!" I made note of it! I got it! I gave it to you!

Lee

As a gift?

Leslie

As a gift!

Lee

Just for the hell of it?

Leslie

Just ‘cause you wanted it!

[Pause.]

Lee

Don’t do that!

Leslie

What?

Lee

You don’t do that! You don’t just give people gifts!

Leslie

Why not?

Lee

It’s not Chanukah. It’s not Christmas. It’s not my anniversary. It’s not Kwanzaa. It’s not my birthday. Then, you give gifts. Those are "Gift Giving Days"!

Leslie

Oh! Oh, like I have to stick to some officially sanctioned Day of Giftness! Like I have to consult with the Giving Police! Like I have to listen to the candy companies and the toy companies and the card companies and the flower companies and the National Sales Index to tell me when I’m supposed to boost quarterly earnings and give the people that I love a gift! Well, no sir! It’s a gift! It’s a present from my heart. I present it to you as a material token of your continual joyous place in my thoughts. And I don’t have to wait until we’re in the over-scripted, over-produced, knee-jerk, communally recognized Bonding Zone to do it!

[Pause. Lee is incredulous.]

Lee

Yes you do! For Christ’s sake, yes you do! These practices that you toss off as the lemming-like mewlings of the habituated herd, by God, they are here for a reason! Fine, you give me a gift. What am I supposed to do now, huh? Do I get you a gift? Do I get you a gift now just because you got me a gift? Do I get you the same type of gift? What if your gift is more expensive than mine? Does that mean I love you less? How do we keep track? How do we budget? All these worries are spared us, why? Because we are a civilized society! Because we have rules and tradition and ritual to make sure that the fabric of our interactions remains strong and sturdy! But that doesn’t work for you, does it? No, you’re too good for the bonds and ties that keep us together, you with your over-romanticized views of individualism and your warped confusion of non-conformity with sincerity. You, you self-righteous, peevish, anarchistic putz, you would just go your own way and everyone else be damned! Well, I will not have you bring your culture-smashing chaos into our relationship!

[Slams the gift down in the middle of the table between them, and sits facing out. Now, both are pissed. They deliver the next lines without looking at each other.]

Leslie

[Pause. Pause.]

[A little chagrinned.]

I, uh … I didn’t know you felt that way. [Pause.] I’m sorry.

[Beat]

Lee

It’s okay.

[Pause]

Leslie

I can return it?

[Beat]

Lee

No. No, I like it. [Pause. Looks at the gift (not Leslie). Reaches out and picks it back up.] So … this is a gift?

Leslie

Yeah.

[Beat]

Lee

Just because?

[Beat]

Leslie

Yeah.

[Pause.]

Lee

It’s nice. [Beat. Beat. Brings gift to lap and looks back out.] Thank you.

[Beat]

Leslie

You’re welcome.

[Fin.]