Behind the Scenes

Clinton Johnston

Characters

Todd — himself, but not

Clinton — ditto

Scene

Todd and Clinton stand next to each other on stage a few feet apart. Clinton is SL. Todd is SR. They address the audience, especially when they read the emails, they do not address each other.

[Lights up]

Clinton

For those of you who might be thinking of writing or performing at No Shame, we want to give you all the encouragement we can. Just to show you how easy it can be, we thought we’d give you a behind-the-scenes look at what it’s like to get a piece up for No Shame Theater.

Todd

What follows are transcripts of actual emails between me and Clinton in preparation for tonight’s episode of Puberty Shriek: The Werewolf Play, which you saw earlier. These are completely unedited emails. Nothing has been taken out, so you can get the full experience of what it takes to bring a piece (never a "skit", by the way, always a "piece") to the stage. Okay. Ready to begin? Good.

To: Clinton

From: Todd

Clinton —

Remember when I talked to you about me serializing Puberty Shriek? Well I was wondering if you could help me out? My original Julian can’t do it, and I was hoping you’d be willing to step into the role. Let me know. Thanks.

Todd

Clinton

To: Todd

From: Clinton

Todd —

That sounds grand. I’m very busy right now, as you know. But I’ll move some things around in my schedule and make the time. I have so much respect for you and your work, I wouldn’t pass up the chance to be in one of your pieces for anything!

Clinton

Todd

To: Clinton

From: Todd

Clinton —

Great! I’m glad you’re up for it. This really helps me out. Julian is a heroin-shooting, hippie werewolf. I think you’d play the part very well. Attached to this message is the script for Episode 4. Get off book, and can you make a Wednesday rehearsal at 7:00 p.m. in the LA.b?

Todd

Clinton

To: Todd

From: Clinton

Todd —

Love the script. Perfect script, a place for every word and every word in its place. I don’t know about the character, though. He seems very unsympathetic. I have somewhat of a regular presence at No Shame and have to start thinking of these things. I mean, the wanton reveling in drug addiction disturbs me just a bit, and I’m sure it will turn off most sensitive audiences. Plus, am I to understand the character gets tied up in the scene? I’m sorry. I don’t know if this part is for me.

Clinton

Todd

To: Clinton

From: Todd

Clinton —

I don’t think the scene is too risqué. Granted, the character is tied up and straddled by a beautiful woman preceding a heroin injection, but I don’t think that’ll be too much. By the way, you’ll be playing opposite Annaliese Moyer in the scene.

Todd

Clinton

To: Todd

From: Clinton

Todd —

I’ll see you Wednesday.

Clinton

To: Todd

From: Clinton

Todd —

Had such a wonderful time at rehearsal! Annaliese is such a talented and dedicated actress, we couldn’t help but run the scene again and again. I’m sorry we had so little time to work with you while you were focusing on Episode 3 with Lee and Jamie. I walked away with just a couple of questions. Would Julian really say, "You must?" He seems like a grand sort, wouldn’t "You shall" be so much better? Or "You shall! You shall! And ever shall you shall!" Also, what’s my motivation? I’m being tied up, but heroin is a heavy narcotic. Presumably a good dose should keep Julian from ravaging the countryside. Wouldn’t it be more exciting if I were sniffing cocaine or speed? Just a suggestion.

Clinton

Todd

To: Clinton

From: Todd

Clinton —

"You must" is fine. Heroin is fine. Don’t spend too much time worrying about things like that. I don’t think the nature of this play lends itself to really deep character study. It’s a much broader form. Just do the script as written and have fun.

Todd

Clinton

To: Todd

From: Clinton

Todd —

Looking forward to our performance tomorrow. I think this scene will be very fab. I understand completely what you mean about the style of the piece. At first, I thought it to be more gothic horror, you know, in a Poe-like or even Dickensian quality, but now I see that it more closely approaches melodrama. What shall I be wearing? Will it be black? I find that color so slimming. Also, can my chair be facing stage left? That side of my face is my better side? One more thing, about the heroin, I’ve been doing just an eensy-weeny, teeny tiny bit of research, and my understanding is that heroin is purchased in its granular form looking very much like brown sugar and thus the song of the same name by the Rolling Stones. Anyway, to ingest it or "shoot up", one must melt the grains and inject the melted heroin into your veins. To help the injection and to cool down the heroin, this is usually done by drawing blood from the body and then drawing the melted heroin into the blood-filled syringe chamber, thus making a heroin-blood solution that is then introduced (or re-introduced as far as the blood part is concerned) into your vein. Now this elaborate procedure involves all number of accoutrements like flame producers, a cooking surface, elastic for the arm … well don’t you see? We have none of this in the scene! We’re not even allowed to do open flame in a No Shame piece. I suggest we call another rehearsal to deal with this gross discrepancy. I’m available tonight and tomorrow morning from 7:00 a.m. — 9:30 a.m. Let me know which of these times work for you. Do you know Annaliese’s schedule?

Clinton

Todd

To: Clinton

From: Todd

Clinton —

First off, gothic horror is a form of melodrama and one that Dickens never practiced. Next, we don’t need to cook the heroin. We don’t need additional rehearsals. This is a really fast scene, and its humor depends on its speed. Just do the piece as written, and it will be fine! I will see you tomorrow night.

Todd

Clinton

To: Todd

From: Clinton

Todd —

Oh humor! You should have told me you were going for humor. That changes everything. Tell you what, I’ve taken off work today, and I’ve been watching comedy-horror films since six this morning: Ghostbusters, Young Frankenstein, Transylvania 6-5000, Abbot & Costello Meet the Mummy, and Showgirls. Now, I know movies are an imperfect form in comparison with theater, but I really think I have a much better handle on the whole concept now. I’ve gotten together with a friend of mine who’s a masters candidate in abnormal and adolescent psychology at UVA. We’ve taken a crack at touching up the script. It’s attached to this email. Give it a Look-See. Tell me what you think about it. My character is now called "Joachim", the name of Lon Chaney, Jr.’s character, Larry Talbot in the Romanian translation of his 1941 movie, The Wolf Man. Anything in italics is in dactylic hexameter, which I find to be a very robust verse form, much more so than the much more pedestrian iambic pentameter or Shakespearean …

Todd

[Interrupting]

To: Clinton

From: Todd

Listen to me you preening, self-important, primadonna fuck-wad! You will not touch one letter, one comma, one iota of my script! You will do it as it is written, and you will do it for no more than four minutes and 33 seconds tonight at No Shame! People will laugh, and it will be done, or I will take my foot and do a dactylic hexameter dance up your ass!!