Wife: Honey could you call the church and find out their schedule so we won’t be late on Sunday?

Voice: Good morning. You have reached the directory for Our Lady of Perpetual Modernization. For the church schedule please press 1. To speak to Father Murphy please press 2. For Our Lady of Perpetual Modernization Confession Line please press 3.

Good morning, you have reached Our Lady of Perpetual Modernization Confession Line. Please listen carefully to the following 10 selections and enter the appropriate response on your keypad.

If you have more televisions than religious objects, press 1.

If you like the Osbornes press 2.

If your priorities on Sunday are fishing, sleeping, golf or football, press 3.

If you had your parents declared incompetent, and took over legal guardianship, press 4.

If you ran over your neighbors dog and buried her in the back yard press 5.

If you have a standing, lunch hour reservation, at the No-Tell Hotel, press 6.

If you have ever permanently "borrowed" something work, press 7.

If your wife asks you if what she is wearing makes her butt look big, and you said no, press 8.

If you keep a pair of binoculars next to the window facing your neighbor’s bedroom, press 9.

If you accidentally on purpose threw a baseball at your neighbor’s new car, press 10.

That completes the assessment portion of your confession. If you entered 1 or 2 selections, press *1 for your penance. If you made 3 or 4 selections press *2 for your penance. If you entered 5 or more selections, please hold for a message from Father Murphy.

Father Murphy: My God son! You have broken every Commandment there is! Hell son, we only have 10! Come in to see me immediately, and don’t get hit by a truck on your way over cause you’ll be in big trouble for sure! You die now and it’s all over! God speed and hope you make it!