Hitler’s Nipples

By Arlen Lawson

 

Skip

I don’t know if you ever had a chance to meet the guy, but Hitler can be one intimidating icon for everything wrong with human nature.  And when that crazy little bastard wants to be entertained, you’d better believe it’s time to pull out the big guns.

 

Like this one time, Hitler and me were in the basement, measuring our dicks, ‘cause Hitler’s always got something to prove and, “OK, Hitler, I get the point.  You’re a big man!  You’re a great big man!”  And Hitler turns to me and says…

 

Hitler

(Luigi accent) I ah grow ah weary of ah this ah sport!  Tell ah me a funny ah story.  And ah when you have ah finished, my ah nipples had ah better be engorged.  Or else!

 

Skip

And he means it!

OK. OK. Or else or else or else.

There was a man, who had a pit bull, which he loved with all his tender heart.

 

Hitler

Boooring! Get to the ah juicy bits!

 

Skip

Right, juicy. Right.  And the man also had a baby, and one day the pit bull ate the baby.

 

Hitler

He ate ah the baby?

 

Skip

Yes, tearing off tiny pieces here and there, and struggling to chew, while torrents of the baby’s blood all but soaked the mattress.

 

Hitler

Wonderful!  And the eyeballs?

 

Skip

Yes, of course it ate the eyeballs.

 

Hitler

And did ah the baby cry?

 

Skip

It screamed!  And when the man came home, he found his baby’s skeleton torn apart and picked clean, lying in a bed of soaked and clotting blood, and little bits of baby flesh stuck between the pit bull’s teeth.

 

Hitler

And did ah the man ah cry?

 

Skip

He tried to, but he couldn’t, and he wondered why he couldn’t, and he felt guilty.

 

Hitler

And did ah he beat the dog?

 

Skip

Come on, Hitler!  He more than beat it.  He cut the pit bull’s head off and he put it on a stick, and wrote a sign in blood beneath, and all of it in caps, “THIS WILL COME TO ANY DOG THAT TEARS APART MY BABY.”

 

Hitler

What a wonderful story!

 

Skip

Did you really like it?

 

Hitler

Tell ah me another! My ah nipples are not ah yet fully distended.

 

Skip

Aaaaaaaah… There were two monkeys fighting in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

 

Hitler

And did they have ah knives?

 

Skip

The monkeys knew Karate! They learned from their parents, who were taught by scientists.

 

Hitler

I think ah that knives would be better.

 

Skip

Fine! Shit, they had knives.  And one monkey split the other’s belly open and pulled out a steaming handful of guts, which it ripped open with its teeth, squeezing out the contents of its intestines like toothpaste, and flinging it at the bourgeoisie.

 

Hitler

And what ah happened to that ah monkey?

 

Skip

It got crushed by an SUV.

 

Hitler

Delightful!

 

Skip

The end.

 

Hitler

One ah more ah story!

 

Skip

One more.  One more.  Let’s see… shit, no… two schoolboys… a bus full of loose women… I… jeez… I… I… I can’t!  I just can’t!  I can’t do it anymore!

 

Hitler

Do you not ah know how ah to please me?

 

Skip

I do. I do.

 

Hitler

Then ah give me what I want.

 

Skip

It’s stupid.  It’s pandering.

 

Hitler

You can learn to love pandering, to honestly enjoy it.  And if you do it enough, you’ll gain eloquence.  You can turn pandering into an artform, into a way of life.  What it ultimately becomes is a question of how badly you need love.

 

Skip

I can’t.

 

Hitler

Aaah.  My ah nipples are ah fully engorged.

 

Skip

Mine too.

 

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