copyright © 2003 Ed Malin

Ed Malin


Samantha? Oh, it’s not Samara? I thought your name was Samara. Damn! Not that it wasn’t good, and it’s great waking up with you. Yeah, it was very loud last night in the bar. Joe, not Jeff. My name is Joe. See, you did it, too. The reason I…well, you saw the tattoo on my chest that says "I luv you Samara". So you know. Oh, it’s good that you’re not offended. No. No, it doesn’t have to matter. I have spent the last couple of years and probably the rest of my life looking for someone else to date named Samara. It’s so hard. If I had known, I wouldn’t have got the tattoo. What’s hard? Except for the first one, every Samara I’ve met has been a total bitch. More than that: self-centered, manicure-obsessed, Nordstrom charge-card habitual, crying and gnashing teeth if one episode of The Young & The Restless is missed. Oh, the third Samara was the worst! Like the name of the beast is Samara and I have it tattooed on me. If only…I could have it modified, change "Samara" into "Samantha". You’re right, no pressure, we’ve only just met last night of course. (pause) Well I don’t wanna make out like I haven’t learned from my mistakes. I have. For example? The other tattoo I have below my belly button, in Chinese, the one I told you said "Wu Tang". It’s actually "Wei-Shan". That’s the name of someone else I was with. See? No, not a girl. A guy named Wei-Shan. He gave the best head in Texas. Sorry. People have their strengths, and. Well, he was always down there on his knees directly below my belly button, so one night when we were drunk I got his name engraved on me. Yes, alcohol does have a lot to do with my decisions. What are you implying? Oh yeah? Glad to hear you have your own secrets too. Hmm, you realize that if you tell me, it won’t be a secret anymore. It’ll be public domain…No! But it feels so real. I can’t believe you got a sex change. You look great! What was your name, um before? Oh. You’re right, Samantha is much prettier. Wow, another secret. What is it? Nuh-uh! There’s no way that was your first time. As a woman, I mean. Oh-my-god. I’m speechless. Well, did you enjoy it? Oh, that is good.

Now I feel I can tell you anything. Very observant. Yes, the tattoo in the small of my back, the one in Sanskrit, does not say "Om Shanti". It is the name of someone else I adored. "Vajrasattva". My surrogate. Oh, I hate using the word "dildo". I prefer "primary care giver". Yes, Vajrasattva was my first . Beyond my wildest dreams. Somehow I knew you’d understand. So, one night during our affair, it was winter and a friend of mine was sick so I went to visit him in the hospital. What? I got the tattoo weeks before and I was stone cold sober when I got it, thank you very much. My friend in the hospital was fine. I sat with him for many hours. Then I came home. (sobs) Where I had left Vajrasattva on top of the heater–just to dry off a little. And when I came back. (sobs) He was melting. Oh life is so unfair! (sobs) I’m OK. It’s just that he was a special one. They don’t make ‘em like that anymore. (sobs again. the doll is made to hug him.)

Well I’d like you to stay the rest of the weekend. But why? You have to get a bikini wax? In January? You look good. No, really. Really you don’t look fat. I can’t believe you got a sex change, you’re such a natural.

(they kiss)


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