copyright © 2003 Ed Malin


by Ed Malin

(In front of the TV set. Tim holds a beer in his hand.)


Can you believe in exactly 5 minutes Alan Greenspan is going to announce a predicted Federal rate cut? (Rubs hands together; he is actually excited by this.) This is exactly what I’ve been waiting for. Oh that’s such bullshit, switching to a commercial now. Bo-ring! (Reaches for the remote.) Wait a minute. What’s this? The Rolling Stones in an antacid commercial? "Get Off Of My Cloud"? Bunch of freakin’ sellouts. (Pushes button on remote.) This channel’s even worse. Ozzie Osborne selling weightlifting products? (Points finger at TV) That is not what the song "Iron Man" is all about…man! (After a moment, makes a satanic hand gesture and bobs up and down to the music, sings along. Stops a few seconds later.) What happened to me? I’m old and totally uncool. There was a time when I played football. Now I go parasailing in the Bahamas. I’m a dirty, rich bastard. And all my idols are either dead or making lame guest appearances on Saturday Night Live, which amounts to the same thing. I mean, if you think about it, there are kids in jail now who were born after MTV came out. I can’t take this, I need a beer. (Notices there is a beer in his hand.) Oh. (Drinks it.) Man, I remember when 69 was a year. Nobody cared about money then. My first ex-wife, Carrie (lost in thought) she was the sweetest thing imaginable. Didn’t even ask for too much in the divorce. Wanted to stay friends, she said. Never find another woman like that. Then I got the Harley and went to the Canadian Rockies. Which is where I discovered French ticklers and got the Spanish clap. Still there was a feeling then that whatever your fellow human beings did to you you could still love them back anyway. Yup, the Cold War made everybody so friendly. And now look at me…In 1981 I founded Gonzo Investment Technologies. I wanted to sell stocks to British people, but like equity that had a heart. I didn’t know that G.I.T. stands for "git". Every day is a new humiliation. There is no one older and less wise than I, except for Ronald Reagan. My second ex-wife took the Harley, but she also took PCP on the PCH, and fell off around Santa Barbara. That’s not funny. (He smiles.) They say money is the root of all evil. We should all return to our roots. (Changes channels with the remote.) That’s my third ex-wife who said that. And Greenspan winds up. And here’s the pitch. Yes!!!!


"The Git" debuted February 14, 2003, performed by Ed Malin.

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