- May 2, 2003 - No Shame New York
Performed by Maggie Bell and Ed Malin
ALL YOU NEED’S A REALLY GOOD CANUCK
by Ed Malin
Scene: a bar
HE
A toast. I’m so glad we met.
SHE
Same here, eh?
HE
with Molson Canadian beer in hand
To friendly British Columbia.
SHE
Ro-ong. It’s "Beautiful British Columbia".
HE
Sorry?
SHE
On the license plates. "Beautiful B.C." You’re thinking of "Friendly Manitoba".
HE
I wasn’t aware I was doing that.
SHE
Hmm.
HE
I’m not even Canadian. So can we just get back to getting it on?
They raise beers.
SHE
I can’t believe you confused me with Manitoba. Manitoba’s flat. I’ve got…peaks.
HE
Look, you’re hallucinating here.
SHE
Am I?
HE
Well.
SHE
How many women do you know who are both beautiful and friendly?
HE
Umm.
SHE
Yes?
HE
None. But can’t we–
SHE
Typical man.
HE
Truthful man.
Pause. They drink.
SHE
Which do you more look for in a woman, beauty or friendliness?
HE
Depends on the time of day.
SHE
You are so easy to read.
HE
Not really. See, usually a beautiful woman is good for those daylight excursions, trips to the park. Places to show her off. Why waste the sunlight of course.
SHE
Don’t you want someone to talk to? Someone friendly?
HE
Oh, for going out to eat and schmooze? Absolutely.
SHE
See!
HE
But I’ll never take a woman out to lunch again.
SHE
Why, she thought you were cheap?
HE
No, it was at a very expensive hotel. But it was an all you can eat buffet. I never heard the end of that one.
SHE
Yeah, that’s a no-no.
HE
I know now.
SHE
But what about–
HE
Oh true enough, if we’re going out dancing, or to a noisy bar, then a beautiful one’s OK. We won’t be talking.
SHE
Well, if all you want to is score–
HE
No, I never bring the beautiful ones home. It’s something in their genetic makeup. Not only are they unengaging conversationalists, they’re always bad at fellatio.
SHE
Well, is that your final word?
HE
Look, I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been to all 50 states plus the Dominican Republic. I’m a travel agent.
SHE
So you wrote the book, I suppose.
HE
No one better qualified.
SHE
You’re in a different league up here, pal.
She produces an enormous binder either from her purse or from under the table. On the
cover is written "Rules of the C.F.L."
HE
What the hell is this? What is the C.F.L. anyway?
SHE
Just read here.
HE
reading
If the punter misses a field goal attempt, he will nevertheless be awarded one point, known as a "rue-ja".
SHE
No. Not that page. This page.
HE
Who are the Calgary Stampedes?
SHE
Read.
HE
reading
Proviso for Canadian Women: Given the unique status of Canada, with almost no neighbors, pollution, armed forces, prejudice or conflict of any kind, Canadian women are permitted to be both friendly and beautiful.
SHE
Believe it.
HE
I’m sorry. I come from such a fucked-up country.
SHE
It’s OK.
as he flips through the pages
What are you doing?
HE
Looking for the section on fellatio.
SHE
closing the book
I’m over here.
HE
I love you. I’ve been looking for you my entire life.
SHE
Will you move to Vancouver with me?
HE
In a heartbeat.
They kiss. Blackout.
THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Maggie Bell and Ed Malin
Library]
