copyright © 2003 Ed Malin

GRAND OLD PUSSY

 

 

 

 

 

by Ed Malin

11 St. Felix St., #4F

Brooklyn. NY 11217

izanagi@hotmail.com

(917) 501-4503

 

 

Setting: living room. Maybe a mirror. No furniture is absolutely required. Before the start of the scene, an aria from Manon Lescaut plays: "Sola perduta, abbandonata"

MOM, an opera singer, is dressed in high splendor. She ends up looking like some kind of bird. SON is dressed sharp in anticipation of going to a meeting. Perhaps he is tying his tie. MOM did not hear what her SON said so she turns off the stereo where the aria was playing.

MOM

Log cabin what?

SON

Republicans, Mom.

MOM

Thank goodness. It sounded like some gay organization.

SON

Oh, I’d never go to that kind of meeting. Why does it sound…

MOTHER

aside

I wish I could tell him

to Son

Oh, all those men, all those big logs. And their insecurity makes me uncomfortable, you know.

SON

Gays?

MOTHER

Log cabins. It could all fall crashing on your head any moment.

SON

What does that have to do with…

MOTHER

Your father was gay.

SON

Must be where I got it from.

MOM

What?

SON

aside

What?

to Mom

Republicanism.

MOM

Right. Was it me? Did I unconsciously attract this kind of person to marry?

SON

Well, you are a diva.

pause

MOM

I performed before Nixon at La Scala. He couldn’t take his eyes off me.

SON

Divas attract the shadiest people.

MOM

I was born singing.

SON

Then sing on, girl.

realizes he sounds gay

I mean, Mom.

MOM

Most people think that babies cry. And they associate that wailing with sadness. But not me. I knew it wasn’t noise, it was life. My life.

SON

Look at what you’re wearing.

MOM

I collect…beautiful effects.

SON

It must have taken hours to do yourself up like that.

MOM

Come here. Give me a hug.

steps near, hugs him

I love you, Son.

releases him

SON

aside

You love me, but you don’t love yourself. Because your parents didn’t love you. And many love you, because their parents didn’t love them. The people you’ve been with, they like your corona, your effects. They are solar powered idiots. You must get queers by the thousands. But there’s a problem. Once you unravel, once you are naked and yourself and night falls, they don’t see what they want anymore. They need distance between. Then they’re gone.

MOM

I love you, Son. I’m leaving you everything.

SON

Please, let’s not-

MOM

Unless you’re gay. Then I shall cut you out of my will.

she sobs and almost faints

I’ve cut out everyone else. I didn’t realize how many, until I had to

she breathes

Dispense with them. And do you know why? Because those are the people who have left me.

SON

I know.

MOM

And to get a piece of me they would have to come back to me. But I want to see that. I want to see them crawl. Yet when you’re dead, you do not see.

SON

Don’t worry. I’m not gay.

MOM

aside

I know you’re gay. Manon does not wish to be abandoned. Tosca won’t stay in a world without love. I am a Great Dame, bred for living large. I must have someone by me, otherwise I am small. It doesn’t matter if I am liked, I just can’t be alone.

Listen to what happened today. I was getting my hair done as usual by Arshawn, that lovely man with the soft touch. I passed by a bum on the street, as I always did. This time I gave him money. This time I talked to him–I simply had to have someone to talk to. Even before I put the $10 bill in his hand he was smiling. Excuse me, I asked, why are you happy this of all days? Because, he says, across the street I literally live on is a gay bar. Is that what one looks like?, I ask. It’s not what’s on the outside, he says; hear that beautiful music that comes out? It comes out every day and every night. How could I not be happy soaking this up?

I tell you, son, if I could tell you, it’s what’s on the inside that counts. I feel happy and I want everyone to be happy. I have seen with my own eyes that trickle down economics really works. I’m switching from Deomcrat to Republican.

to Son

Of course you’re not gay. Just happy to have a mother like me.

aside

Son, my son, I am sick of dressing like a walking window display. Why must I hang my hair in effigy every day?, I often ask myself. I am going to spend some time in a nudist colony. It’s what’s on the outside that doesn’t count.

SON

Yes, very happy to have a mother like you.

MOM

I just want you to know I support your political activity.

SON

aside

I need to get out of here. It’s like wherever I go, there you are. You might even give a big donation to the Log Cabin Republicans and then be a guest speaker at meetings. I wouldn’t put it past you. That does it! I’m becoming a Democrat.

to Mom

Bye. See you later.

MOM

Have a good time, Son.

 

END

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