HONESTLY, HONESTY
by Scott McGee
Bob and Jane enter.
BOB
Jane, Im not gonna lie to you. That was a great blowjob.
JANE
Well, Bob, I am good.
BOB
You are good.
JANE
I am great.
BOB
You are great!
JANE
Best in the Tri-Cities.
BOB
I wouldnt go that far, Jane.
JANE
Thanks for your honesty, Bob.
BOB
Absolutely. Say, Jane, where the fuck is everybody?
JANE
I dont fucking know, Bob.
BOB
Well, fuck me, theyre late. And if its one thing I hate its fuckers who are late.
JANE
I completely agree with you, Bob. I fucking hate that.
BOB
And if its two things I hate, its fuckers who are late and the Jews.
JANE
I completely agree with you, Bob. I fucking hate the Jews.
BOB
And if its three things I hate its fuckers who are late, the Jews, and getting anally raped by a black man named Brisco.
JANE
I completely agree with you, Bob. Except for that last part because Ive never tried that.
BOB
Well dont, Jane, because you wont enjoy it, your ass will hurt for a month, youll end up falling in love, your letters will never get replies, youll get pissed off, and youll end up taking it out on your wife and kids by beating the hell out of them.
JANE
I dont have a wife and kids, Bob.
BOB
Good point, Jane.
JANE
Thanks, Bob. Look, here come those late fuckers now.
Tom, Dick, and Harry enter singing "Happy Birthday." Jane joins their song.
ALL
Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, you Asshole. Happy Birthday to you.
Everyone laughs and groups around Bob.
BOB
Okay, you fuckers. you got me. You got me. I hate all of you and especially you, Harry, because Im attracted to you in an unnatural way, but Ill forgive you for the next... oh... 5-10 minutes, and then Ill go back to hating you fuckers again.
ALL
Thanks, thanks, Bob. Thanks. (Etc...)
BOB
So whos fucking idea was this anyway?
TOM
I think it was Dicks idea. But Ill take credit for it.
BOB
You usually do, Tom.
DICK
As much as Id like to take credit for it, I do think it was Harrys idea.
HARRY
It was my idea.
DICK
It was?
HARRY
It was.
DICK
Fuck me. I was just trying to appear generous in front of Bob.
HARRY
Well then, Dick, I guess your name suits you.
All laugh and adlib. "Yeah, it does. It does. Etc..."
BOB
So, Harry, if it was your idea to surprise me on my birthday, I guess that makes you the top brown-noser here, right?
HARRY
Thats right.
BOB
No, thats wrong.
HARRY
Thats wrong?
BOB
Thats wrong. Jane just gave me a blowjob in the copy room.
HARRY
Fuck me.
BOB
Id like to.
TOM
Fuck you, Jane.
JANE
Bob tried that but I only went for the blowjob.
TOM
Better job security.
JANE
Absolutely.
DICK
So, Bob, are you gonna tell us whos gonna get that promotion or what?
BOB
Yes, I am, Dick. Im not gonna give it to Tom because his third quarter was atrocious, his management skills have lacked the aggressive qualities we try to strive for here, and his inbox totals have been suspiciously low.
TOM
Ive been embezzling for about a year now.
BOB
I thought that. And Im not gonna give it to Jane... because shes a fucking woman.
JANE
Fuck me.
BOB
Too late for that, you already gave me the blowjob. Im also not gonna give it to Harry, because he wont fuck me either.
HARRY
Im not gay.
BOB
Fuck you, Harry. Were all gay. And, finally, Im not gonna give the promotion to you, Dick.
DICK
Whys that, Bob?
BOB
Because your name is Dick. I dont want my company run by a Dick, Dick.
DICK
I could change it.
BOB
Too late. Youll always be a Dick to me. So there you go. Thats all. Thanks for the surprise. Thanks for the blowjob. I have to go now. I dont have anything important to do, but I dont want to hang around with four fuckers who are bitter and would probably gut me like a fish if given a quiet moment alone with me. Fuck you, you, you, and you. So long.
TOM
What an asshole.
DICK
Hate that fucker.
HARRY
Prickless bastard.
JANE
Actually, his cocks quite big.
TOM, DICK, & HARRY
Really?
JANE
Really. So, Im going to the copy room. Anyone want a blowjob?
TOM
I do.
DICK
Me too.
HARRY
Im just gonna go to the mens room and beat it.
JANE
Okay. Lets go quick, Ive got a board meeting at two.
ALL
Bye. See ya later. Etc...
All exit
"Honestly, Honesty" debuted November 15, 2002, with the following cast: BOB: Scott McGee
JANE: Tory Seiter
TOM: Robert Knight
DICK: Brett Webster
HARRY: Tom Turner