FRANK (O.S.)
Barbara, just cancel my 2:30 and reschedule it for Thursday. I’ve got the Trio in here today on an emergency session. I’m not gonna have time for that Witch, okay? Thanks.

FRANK
(entering) Hello, gang. How are we today?

SCARECROW
This fucking guy.

FRANK
In a bit of a surly attitude, are we, Mr. Scarecrow?

SCARECROW
Fuck off, Frank.

TIN MAN
I, for one, am not in a surly attitude, although I am a bit saddened by the whole situation. Thank you very much for asking. I am, however, all oiled up and ready to participate in a lively discussion.

SCARECROW
Could you be any more gay? God.

FRANK
Don’t let him bait you, Tin Man. You know that’s what he wants.

TIN MAN
I know, Frank. But sometimes it just so hard not to care.

SCARECROW
GAAA-aaay.

FRANK
And how about you, Lion? How are you taking all this? (Lion whines and shakes head.) What’d you say? I didn’t catch that.

LION
I, I, I... I don’t... I’m inconceptual... incompatable... incontraversable... I don’t know...

TIN MAN
Inconsolable?

LION
I’m all that and more! (cries)

SCARECROW
What a big pussy.

LION
I heard that!

SCARECROW
Oh. I’m sorry. Next time I’ll just THINK IT!

TIN MAN
No need to yell, Scarecrow. I’m sure his heart is hurting at this dark time for everyone. I know mine is.

SCARECROW
Yeah, well. Whatever.

FRANK
Okay, okay. I think we are all a little upset in one way or another.

SCARECROW
You think?

FRANK
BUT... it will not help anyone, especially Dorothy, for us to sit here and bicker back and forth. Agreed?

SCARECROW
Agreed.

FRANK
Great. Now, we all know that something has happened to her. And I’m sure we all have an array of emotions about this. So, I think it would be best if we were just completely honest with each other. Okay? Okay. Now, who did it?

FRANK
Come on. Just raise your hand. That’s all it takes. Who did it?

FRANK
Well, this is interesting. Um... who is not telling the truth here?

SCARECROW
Oh, this is bullshit. You guys are being glory hogs now.

LION
Not true Not true Not true.

TIN MAN
Certainly not. I’m well aware of my crime.

SCARECROW
Your crime? The hell. I’m the only criminal mastermind around here.

LION
No, it was me It was me.

FRANK
Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. Slow down. What is it that you all think that you did?

SCARECROW
I raped her.

TIN MAN
I killed her.

LION
I ate her.

Pause.

SCARECROW
That’s fucked up, man.

FRANK
I... uh, don’t really know what to say.

SCARECROW
Well, I do. That little bitch had it coming. She had been teasing me for years, man. Years. Always wearing that short little dress. Bending over to pick up apples all - the fucking - time. The way she would look at me, and, and touch me. Her eyes would just look right into me, man. She put these thoughts into my head. These fucking thoughts. I just... I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to fucking think.

(pause) She wanted it, man.

TIN MAN
When I went out to the Royal Stables to get my oil can... I could hear her crying. I followed her cries all the way down the main entrance-way to the final stall. That’s where I found her. Curled up, lying in a large stack of hay, clothes ripped, torn, and tossed aside. She had been badly beaten - I knew that right away… and I could tell... that… you know. She was whimpering. And when she saw me, she began to beg me to kill her. She was begging for me to kill her. And even though I was saying No, no, no, I could never do this, never... the more I listened to her, the more I listened to her pleads, her moans, her cries, the more my heart broke… and the more I realized … that… I had to do it. It was the only thing I could do. So I raised my axe and... (pause) Afterwards, I was sick. I couldn’t bury her. I just had to get out of there. So, I... I ran.

LION
It was a dare. A stupid dare. My buddies were just testing me. That’s all. I mean all they wanted me to do was to eat a human. Not too hard, huh? Not for the rough, tough King of the Forest! No, sir. I mean, I could eat two or three Munchkins in a sitting, so one human... not a problem, right? Yeah, right. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I mean, I couldn’t back down to my buddies. No way. Not a chance Not a chance. So, I was taking a leak behind the stables trying to figure out what to do and... I smelled blood. And not that sickly sweet smell of Winkie blood. No sir. This was pure. Rich. Thick. This was the unmistakable scent of human blood. And it must have made me crazy, because when I found her, I didn’t even question what had happened to her. It was like I didn’t care. I just wanted to impress my friends. Show ‘em I had the balls to pull this off, you know. So I caused a ruckus, kicked over some crates, broke some boards, roared my damn head off. And they came running. Boy, did they come running. And they got there just in time to see me mauling this poor, little, helpless, dead girl. Course they didn’t know she was dead. They just knew that I was the king. The fucking king. (pause) I ate her in about 45 seconds. Must have been a fucking record.

FRANK
I can’t even begin to know what to think. Um... whew. Well, I guess... and I’m really sorry about this... but I have no choice but to ... erase you guys.

SCARECROW
Fuck you, Frank!

TIN MAN
No way!

LION
Wait a minute!

FRANK
I’m sorry, guys. I have no choice. We just can’t talk it out anymore. It’s over.

FRANK
What the hell? Goddammit! Why can’t I...? What is going on?

SCARECROW
(grabbing Frank from behind holding him tight) We’re not yours to fuck around with anymore, Frank.

TIN MAN
Don’t worry, I’ll make it quick.

LION
And look at it this way... you’ll always be inside of us. Well, inside me. Get ready for a new record, guys.