copyright © 2002 Scott McGee

A Very Silent Night

by Scott McGee

Guy and Girl walk home together.


Lisa, I think it’s really cool that you’re taking me home to meet your family. Especially for Christmas dinner. I mean, we haven’t even been dating that long, but I really feel we have a close bond between us, you know? I’ve never really had this with anyone else that I’ve dated. We just relate to each other so well. I mean, you especially. You just know how to communicate your feelings to me. I always know what you’re thinking, and you never have to say a word. You can just be silent and I know everything that’s in your mind and in your heart. It’s a great feeling to just be able to … read you, you know? I mean, I guess it helps that you’re a mime and all. But I’m sure that there’s more to it than that. Don’t you think?

(girl nods)

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

What is this where you live?

(girl nods)

Oh, cool. So it’s like… a big open place, huh? That’s cool. That’s cool. So what do we do?

(girl indicates for him to knock on the "door")

Oh, you want me to knock?

(girl nods)

Okay. That’s cool. That’s kind of fun. I can do that. Watch this. (Guy knocks on door. Bad mime.) How’s that?

(girl indicates that it wasn’t that good. Indicates to try it again.)

Again? Okay. Sure. I’m sorry. That’s was the first time I’ve ever tried something like that. Okay then. Here it goes again. Knocking on the door — take two. (knocks on door. Stomps foot on ground this time as he knocks.)

(girl corrects him. She doesn’t want him to use his foot to make noise.)

Oh, I shouldn’t do that. (she shakes her head.) I’m sorry, I just thought it would help. (she shakes head and demonstrates just a little bit.) Okay, I see. That’s cool. I can do it. No problem. Watch this. Take three. (knocks on door. Much better this time.) Huh?

(girl indicates it was great)

Pretty good. Yeah. That’s right. I can pick this stuff up. No problem. You’re a good teacher. That’s what it is.

(girl is shy)

It’s true. You just showed me what to do, and I did it. No problem.

(mother comes to door. Opens door. Is happy to see daughter and is impressed with Guy. Indicates Hello and calls to Father — silently of course.)

Hello, there. You must be Lisa’s mother. It’s really nice to meet you.

(mother shakes hand)

Oh and you must be Lisa’s father. Hello there.

(father arrives. Looks suspicious and then slaps Guy on the back and shakes his hand welcoming him into the house.)

Oh, thanks. Thanks. I appreciate you all inviting me to your Christmas dinner here. That’s really nice of you. I just hope you don’t mind if I eat a lot. (laughs) Might eat you out of house and home. But it looks like someone beat me to it! (laughs)

(everyone laughs a lot and jokes around. Father and Mother invite them in.)

Thanks. Thanks. Okay. So this is the living room.

(Shake heads no.)

Oh, so this is the … entranceway?

(All agree)

Great. Great. It looks just great.

(They invite them down the hall to the next room.)

Okay. So this is the next room.

(He is shown the bathroom.)

The bathroom. Okay. No problem.

(He is shown the living room. He is shown the bedroom. He is shown the kitchen. He is finally shown the dining room. There is no real table there. And there is a "Christmas Tree" in the corner.)

Nice tree. I think.

Oh, great. This is where we eat. Good. Good. Um, where are the chairs?

(They get fake chairs for him.)

Oh. I see. No problem. I can do that.

(As they sit. Father is impatient. Looks at "watch" and finally "calls" for brothers.)

(The brothers enter.)

Are these your brothers?

(girl nods)

Great. Nice to meet you.

(The brothers stand together.)


(Mother indicates that they look like each other — even though they don’t.)

They’re twins? Really? That’s cool. They don’t look like twins. But that’s okay. Twins it is. Hi, guys.

(Twins sit down.)

I guess this is everyone, huh?

(girl nods)

Great. Great. (long pause) Sooooo… when do we eat? (they indicate "soon") Good. Because my leg’s really starting to cramp now.

(Mother comes in with "tray of turkey". Everyone reacts with great joy and astonishment on how delicious it looks. Much activity of helping get it ready and serving up drinks. The twins get side dishes. Father pours wine. Daughter fixes table. Soon all is still and everyone is seated. Pause. They all look at Guy.)

What? Do you guys want to have a moment of silence first. Ha ha ha ha ha (No one is laughing) … eh… ahem. What now? (Father indicates for him to do a prayer) Oh. You want me to pray over our imaginary meal? (They all nod enthusiastically.) Fine. I’ll go along with that. Um, here goes. Uh, we’d like to thanks. We thank you as we sit here at an imaginary table, with imaginary chairs, about to eat an imaginary meal… praying to an imaginary God. Thanks. Thanks for… well, nothing really. (stern looks) I’m sorry. Just kidding. Uh… thank you, oh invisible spirit for our invisible meal which we are about to pretend to eat. So thank you for our vivid imaginations. Thanks. Amen. (no one moves) Hallelujah. (no one moves) Uh… (does an elaborate mimed crossing himself routine. Everyone moves and starts to serve themselves.)

(A few seconds and then Guy speaks again)


Uh… okay. This is really neat and all. But I have to admit, I’m getting a little freaked out here. (reactions of concern, but everyone still is eating and grabbing stuff) It’s just that I’m not really used to all this and well, there’s just nothing here. You know. Really. There’s NOTHING here. (everyone continues) So, since my legs are cramping. I’m just going to stand if that’s alright. Just until the real food comes. (stands. As he does so, he knocks over an imaginary glass of wine. Mother is shocked and comes over quickly to clean it up. Twins laugh and point. Father shakes head disapprovingly and offers to pour more wine.) What? The wine? No, that’s okay. Don’t want to have too much, you know. Might go to my head! (Father pours wine anyway.) No really. I don’t want any. Okay. Okay. (reaches for glass, knocks it over again. Same reactions from family, just bigger. Mother cleaning.) You don’t have to do that it’s not real. It’s just pretend, you know. See. (guy knocks over other glasses. More reactions.) Stop it really. Look. (Guy knocks over other glasses of wine. Everyone starts scrambling to fix the table and clean the spills. Guy grows more angry and continues to knock over glasses and throw plates.) Look. It’s not real! You can stop all of that. Look! How about this!? Stop! Come on now! (this continues and everyone scrambles. Then Guy flips the table over. More panic and craziness of activity. Knocks over Christmas Tree and it gets crazy as the twins try to get the tree back up.) YOU GUYS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY! STOP THAT! STOP! IT’S NOT REAL. DON’T YOU GET IT!? IT’S NOT REAL! YOU GUYS ARE JUST CRAZY! YOU ARE A BUNCH OF FUCKING PSYCHOS!!! IT’S ALL MADE UP! DON’T YOU GET IT!!! IT’S NOT LIKE I HAVE A MACHINE GUN WITH ME JUST BECAUSE I’M PRETENDING TO HOLD ONE. (everyone freezes and looks at him.)

What? (Family starts to huddle together. Mother is crying. Father is trying to protect them. Girlfriend is crying behind the twins.)

I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING GUN! YOU GUYS ARE NUTS!!! LOOK IT’S NOT REAL. (he fires it. A twin goes down. Mother rushes to him. Screams.)


(Father tries to rush him. Guy shoots him accidentally.) WHAT THE…? OH, FOR THE LOVE OF …. Okay…. Fuck it.

(Guy shoots everyone else. They all die. Pause as he looks around.)

Bunch of fucking weirdos. Jeez. I can’t believe this shit. Get up you guys. This is so fucking stupid. It’s just pretend. See? (Looks at imaginary gun. Points it at self and fires. He reacts to it. He’s really hurt.) Oh, fuck.

(Guy dies. All is calm.)

(Silent Night plays)

Lights Out.


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