by Scott McGee

There is a little known place in the land of Jumba Jumba.

No one knows of this little island, because it resides in the middle of the LollyWhopper Sea.

And as we all know the Lollywhopper Sea is the most colorful sea in all of the world.

It is also the hardest to get to… because you must be pure of heart to reach it.

And if you were going to sail on it, you would have to be really, really happy.
There’s no sadness there. None whatsoever.

(( 1^st phone call )) Hello? What are you doing calling me now, you know I have this stupid play thing I do every Friday. Well, you handle it. I can’t be there every five minutes to wipe your ass for you. Okay? Good. Jesus.

You have to be bright eyed and bushy tailed to even look at the greatness of the LollyWhopper Sea.

But once you have crossed over the LollyWhopper Sea and squeezed your way through the Carmel Cliffs —

You have a chance to land on the little island of Jumba Jumba.

This is a happy place.

The happiest place on earth.

Little furry animals called Fuzzilips live there.
They are cute and fuzzy and non-edible.

They live for one purpose.

To make you happy.

(( 2^nd phone call )) Hello? What the fuck are you calling me again for? What? He won’t talk? Well, make him talk.! Yeah. That’s right. Well, YOU do it then! Look if Robby can’t stand the sight of blood then fuck him, we’ll take care of him later. You have to stand up and take over. I can’t, you dumbass, I’m doing my theatre thing. Yes, right now. I’m right in the fucking middle of it! Yes! Well, fuck you too. I don’t care. You get in there and make that motherfucker tell us what we need to know. Use the fucking ball wrench if you have to. I don’t care. Listen, I gotta go. Alright. Bye.

They make me happy.

And they would make you happy too… if you were ever to visit the land of Jumba Jumba.

Probably the best thing about the land of Jumba Jumba is the rainbow waters and bubblegum sky.

Mmmmm… that is so happy it makes my heart smile.

I wish you could see it.

Maybe you can.

(Cell phone rings again. Brian is livid as he answers it and rushes offstage.)

(( 3^rd phone call )) WHAT!!??? What? What? Calm down, I can’t hear you! What? What is that noise? Is that a chainsaw in the background? What is that? WHAT!!??? How did you let him get a chainsaw?!? How the fuck did he get untied?! FUCK! I LEAVE YOU GUYS FOR ONE FUCKING NIGHT! I’M DOING MY FUCKING THING I DO AND I CAN’T LEAVE YOU BUNCH OF MORONS ALONE TO GET INFORMATION OUT OF ONE FUCKING PRICK! I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS ARE THINKING! What? He’s got Sid? Okay, fuck it. Just shoot him. I don’t care. Just shoot that fucker. Fuck Sid. He’s an idiot anyway, we can replace him. Fuck him and fuck this guy. We’ll figure out the thing without him. JUST SHOOT HIM, BURY HIM, AND FUCKING CLEAN THAT PLACE SPOTLESS! THAT’S RIGHT! I’ll be finished here in an hour or so. DON’T CALL ME ANYMORE! JUST TAKE CARE OF THIS THING OR YOU’RE NEXT! GOT IT? GOOD!

Just follow me to the land of Jumba Jumba.

Board the silly boat with Captain Silly Sid and off you will go.

To the happiest place on Earth.

Bon Voyage!

TECHNICAL NOTE: The cell phone calls should be done live if possible. It makes the first one seem like a real life flub, like the actor has forgotten to turn off his cell phone. Then as the audience catches on, it just adds to the scene to have it ring live onstage. Try to time it out to where the calls ring in at the exact line in the script … or at least as close as possible. In our production, the calls were close to these marks, but not exact. It still worked great, but the laughs would have been maximized if we had been able to time it perfectly.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: The character here doesn’t have to be named "Brian". I had originally titled him "Professor Pollywoggle", but as his name is never referenced in the speech, I just called him the actor’s name. Lah dee dah.