copyright © 2003 Scott McGee
This Be A Pirate Scene
by Scott McGee
(Pirates mill about grumbling.)
Scroggins: I don’t know why we be waiting so long.
Charlie: Aye, we should have strung the traitor up by now.
Scroggins: We’d be having plenty of time for drinking then.
Willie: I’m tired of standing around here.
Flynt: Shut your trap! We all are!
Grady: Watch yourself, Flynt, or I’ll run you through.
Flynt: Go on and try it, Grady! I’d love to feed your carcass to the sharks.
Charlie: Maybe both of you bastards could do us all a favor and jump ship. I could use the extra food.
Scroggins: And the ale as well!
Willie: Quiet! All of ya! Here comes the Cap’n!
1st Mate: All hands on deck! Make way for the Cap’n!
Cap’n: Alright you sorry lot. By now you know why we’re here and not down below drinking ourselves dry.
Scroggins: YAH!!!!
(pause and all look at him. Then back to the Cap’n.)
Cap’n: We have a traitor in our midst.
Charlie: I’ve got a good eye for who it might be.
Grady: As well as I.
Flynt: I know who the culprit be as well.
(lots of argument and grumbling)
Cap’n: Alright, settle down. Settle down! We all think we know who it is, and everyone thinks someone different, so we have to make for sure, otherwise you’ll all be walking the plank this very night!
Jimmy: Cap’n, may I speak?
Cap’n: Who said that?
Jimmy: Over here, Cap’n.
Cap’n: Ah, Beardless Jimmy. What do you have to have to say? Make it lively.
Jimmy: Yes, well… I’ve listened to most of the men and I think that Max might have figured out who did this (everyone scowls at him) …er… I mean… who done this.
All: Max! Max! Get ‘em up here. Max! (etc… ad lib…)
Cap’n: Alright, Max, I know you’re the smartest one we have here and so I’m gonna trust your eye on this. But you’re gonna have to convince me and all the others here. Okay? (Max nods.) Now as everyone knows, ever since we’ve discovered the treasure on St. Lucian’s Island and brought it aboard, there’s been many a thievery occurring. Lots of treasure is missing… and I want to know who done it. Max, have you seen the thief first hand?
Max: Sometimes!
Jimmy: There! I told you!
(much grumbling)
Cap’n: Quiet, now! So, you have seen him?
Max: Sometimes!
Flynt: Did he use the galley as his escape, like I been saying?
Max: Sometimes!
Flynt: I knew it!
1st Mate: A clever one he be.
Scroggins: I bet it were he who drank up all the bitter grog as well!
Max: Sometimes!
Scroggins: I kill ‘em, the bastard! Just tell me who he be! Just tell me!
Charlie: Steady now, Scroggins. Steady.
Scroggins: (almost crying) My beautiful, beautiful grog.
Charlie: (comforting him) I know, Scroggins. We all miss it. We all do.
(much somber agreement)
Charlie: It’s time to make the traitor walk the plank.
Grady: I agree with Chinhair Charlie. We need to settle this now. Max, are you ready to tell us who the traitor be?
Max: Sometimes!
Flynt: Well, I think this be the time ‘cuz I’m itching to run the bastard through me-self.
Jimmy: Me too! And I don’t even have a sword!
(all look at him)
Jimmy: What? I’m a playing a pirate and I can’t even get a sword prop. (softly) Cheap motherfuckers.
Cap’n: (interrupting) TELL US, MAX!!! Be the traitor among us!
Max: Sometimes!
Charlie: So he works below deck!
Max: Sometimes!
Flynt: He works in the galley!
Max: Sometimes!
Grady: He cooks for the crew!
Max: Sometimes!
Scroggins: He drinks our grog!
Max: Sometimes!
Jimmy: Goddamn it, the suspense is killing me!
1st Mate: Who be it, Max… WHO!!!???
Max: Sometimes! Sometimes! Soooometiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimes!!!! (pause) Sometimes, when I sit for a long time, my pants get tight … right here. But then I pull them and it’s better. Sometimes.
(pause)
All: STIFF LEG WILLIE!!!!
Cap’n: Stiff-Leg Willie!!!
1st Mate: The cook!!!
Willie: What? Come on!!!
Cap’n: Take that lilly-livered culprit to the plank!!!!
All: Get ‘em. Tie him up. (etc… ad lib…)
Willie: (ad lib) I didn’t mean to drink all the grog. I have a medical condition. Be gentle!
(all adlib as they take Willie off. Leaving just the Cap’n and Max)
Cap’n: Max, you done fine work there.
Max: Sometimes.
Cap’n: You know, when I get this treasure back to port, I’m going to retire from this life on the sea. And I’m going to make you the new captain. Would you like that?
Max: Sometimes.
Cap’n: Aye, it’s not always an easy job at the top. But Max, you’ll make a fine captain indeed. You’ve got the smarts. You’ve got the command. And you’ve got the heart. It’s so important to really care about your crew. Now, I’m gonna go watch that traitor get torn apart by the sharks. (exits)
Max: Sometimes. Sometimes no one listens to me and I feel so lonely. So I sneak downstairs and get these pretty sparkly things and feed them to the fishes. (pulls out coins and jewels) They like that a lot. They’re lonely too. Sometimes.
Lights Fade Out
"This Be A Pirate Scene" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"This Be A Pirate Scene" debuted March 7, 2003, with the following cast:
Cap’n: Knighty
1st Mate: Nick Zagone
Scroggins: Chris Clarke
Grady: Nic de Armendi
Flynt: Eric Johnson
Beardless Jimmy: Mike Rothschild
Chinhair Charlie: Patrick Ziegler
Stiff Leg Willie: Brian Rochlin
Max: Brian Anderson
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