copyright © 2005 Scott McGee

This Scene Is Not Yet Rated

by Scott McGee

 

(LIGHTS UP on empty stage.)

(DJ DAN and BONI walk casually onstage. They’ve just had dinner and are walking along leisurely holding hands and stealing looks at each other.)

(They come to a fountain.)

BONI

Oh, I love this fountain.

(DJ DAN puts arms around BONI as they stare over fountain.)

BONI

I used to come here when I was a kid. It was probably my most favorite part of this place. We’d toss coins in right over there. Make wishes. All that stuff. God, that was so cool. Seems so different now.

(DJ DAN hands BONI a coin.)

BONI

Aw. That’s so sweet. Alright. Let me make a wish here. Hm.

(Closes eyes. Wishes.)

Got it. Okay here goes.

(Tosses coin into the fountain. DJ DAN wraps arms around BONI again.)

BONI

Mmmm… that was nice. Thanks. (Pauses) Um… well, that was a very nice place you took me to, and … uh… this walk was a… very cool thing. It was great. I just… uh… well, my old boyfriend and I used to come here a lot and… I’m not sure if… well, I just don’t want to take a chance of running into him again, you know. So, um… why don’t we just go back to the car and … uh… I don’t know maybe hang out… or something…

(BONI flirts a bit. DJ DAN concedes the idea and then speaks very loudly and in a stereotypical Disc Jockey voice.)

DJ DAN

FAN-TASTIC! I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES YOU’VE BEEN OUT HERE BEFORE, BUT IT MUST HAVE BEEN CRAAA-AAZY. I WAS JUST THINKING OF CRUISING DOWN THE 405 WHERE TRAFFIC WOULD REALLY HAVE US TIED UP FOR THE EVENING IF IT WEREN’T FOR OUR MAN, TY -- THE EYE IN THE SKY -- KEEPING US UPDATED ON THE 10’S. SO WATCH OUT, FOLKS, WE’RE GONNA PLAY A GOOD-BYE TUNE AS WE WRAP UP THINGS HERE THIS HOUR. THIS IS DJ DAN THE PARTY MAN SIGNING OUT! BACK TO YOU, BONI.

(Pause)

BONI

Uh… yeah. Um. Hm. You know, I think we should talk about … uh…

DJ DAN

HIT ME!

BONI

… um… we should talk about the way you… uh… talk.

DJ DAN

FAN-TASTIC! THE precipitation is light, but the conversation is heavy!

BONI

Yeah, you see, that’s what I’m talking about. I mean, I know your on-air voice is important to you and all, I mean, hell, that was part of the reason I was attracted to you in the first place…

DJ DAN

BOO-YAH!

BONI

… yeah… well, I’m sure you have to practice and prepare and that stuff, but … it just kind of gets irritating hearing it all the time, you know? I mean, do you know?

DJ DAN
WOOOOAH! SOMEBODY JUST POKED A PIN IN THE PARTY BALLOON!

BONI

Yeah, well… you see, Dan —

DJ DAN

HEY NOW!

BONI

You see… DJ Dan the Party Man… one of the reasons that I broke up with my last boyfriend was because he was always talking in his "on-air" voice. And it just kinda drove me nuts after awhile…

DJ DAN

WOAH! WOAH! WOOOOOO-AH! TIME OUT! LOOKS LIKE WE’VE GOT SOME NEW INFO FROM A CALLER HERE. IT SEEMS LIKE SOMEONE’S BEEN CLOCKING AIR TIME WITH A RIVAL STATION.

BONI

No, no, no… he didn’t work for a rival station, Dan. Uh, DJ Dan the Party Man. He wasn’t actually in radio at all. I mean, well that’s not entirely true. Sometimes you’d hear him on the radio, but he didn’t work for another station. Look. It’s all very complicated, I just didn’t want to go into… oh my god…. oh my god, I can’t believe it.

DJ DAN
WHAT’S NEW, PUSSYCAT?!

BONI

It’s… uh… fuck, I was afraid of this. Look, just uh… be cool. It’s my ex-boyfriend.

(MARTIN FRY walks on. There is a moment of tension. Finally BONI breaks it.)

BONI

Okay. Well… this is awkward. Uh, well… let me uh… this is Da - … this is DJ Dan the Party Man, my uh … boyfriend.

DJ DAN

WHAT A WILD AND WACKY COINCIDENCE THIS IS TURNING OUT TO BE. DON’T CHANGE THAT DIAL.

BONI

Yup… and uh… this is my ex-boyfriend… um… ah hell… this is Martin Fry the Movie Voice Guy.

MARTIN FRY

(in an over-exaggerated hoarse whispery movie voice) What happens when two ex-lovers meet beside a fountain that holds all the secrets to their past.

BONI

Martin, please…

MARTIN FRY

He was only out for a late-night stroll down memory lane. But that memory soon turned into one of the darkest nightmares of his past.

DJ DAN

LISTENING TO ALL THAT CHATTER IS MAKING ME CRAAAA-AZY! TIME TO RING THE BELL AND GET IT ON!

BONI

Dan, come on, stop it now. Let’s just go —

MARTIN FRY

The years of forgotten days are welling up inside as he prepares for a battle that will change the course of history.

BONI

Okay, you guys just need to chill out now —

MARTIN FRY

What started out as an innocent flip of a coin, and a wish for the past… has now unfolded into the most terrifying struggle for their lives. Boni Bagota stars in "Fountains of Her Youth".

BONI

Jesus Christ…

DJ DAN

ROCK THE HOUSE, LISTENERS. IT’S TIME TO TURN DOWN YOUR VOLUME!!!

MARTIN FRY

This fight is rated R for Mild Profanity, Adult Situations, and Simulated Violence.

(DJ DAN and MARTIN FRY start fighting/wrestling. BONI stands to the side and is frustrated and exasperated. As the two idiots struggle on behind her, she turns to the audience.)

BONI

I’ve gotta get out of LA.

 

QUICK BLACKOUT

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