War!
A piece for No Shame Theatre by Lee Moyer
9/10/04

Lee: WAR!!!

Brian (ala Edwin Starr/James Brown):
        Huhn!
        Good God now - What is it good for?
        Absolutely/

Lee (interrupting): EVERYTHING!

Brian: Hey!
        That's not how the song goes.

Lee: What song are you singing?
        What are you doing up here anyway?
        What were you doing on the night of the 12th?
        When did you stop beating your wife?
        Is that a billyclub in your pocket, or

Brian (interrupting): What song are you singing then?

Lee: The National Anthem.

Brian: Oh yeah... I recognize it now.

lee: War is the answer to everything. Absolutely everything.
        Say I want Opium...

Brian: I want Opium!

Lee: War.
        Say I want Steel.

Brian: I want Steel!

lee: War

Brian: I want Poland!

Lee: War.

Brian: I want Helen!

Lee: War.

Brian: I want to shoot an Archduke!

Lee: War.

Brian: I want Poland!

Lee: You said that already.

Brian: You can never have enough Poland!

Lee (pause): True.
        War.

Brian: I want to win reelection!

Lee: And this is really what it comes down to...

Brian: War.

Lee: A country at peace stays at peace.

Brian: A country at war stays at war.

Lee: So just borrow some little towelheads from your Saudi blood
brothers, kill some innocent New Yorkers-
        Then your country of peace can declare war eternal!

Brian: It'll be just like 1984 all over again!

Lee: All's Well that's Orwell!

Brian: And no Gorbachev to interrupt business!

Brian: War is good!
          I've got bonds.
          I've got stocks.
          I've got...

Lee: That's enough about your filthy personal habits.
        War is like its cousin- Paranoia
        Say I'm a paranoid...

Brian: I'm a paranoid

Lee: Say I've got a fear of darkies and kikes and spics and liberals.

Brian: I've got a fear of darkies.. and spikes, and kicks...
          ...and um...
          ...what was that again?

Lee: Liberals!

Brian (now acting really paranoid): Good God!
         Liberals!
         They're everywhere!
         They're all around me!

Lee: Paranoia is the ultimate Philosophy.

Brian: You can't talk me out of it!
          Cause you're in on it...
          All you Liberals...
          The conspiracy.

Lee: The minute you become paranoid you become...an asshole.

Brian: Hey! Don't call me an asshole!

Lee: and the rest flows from there....

Brian: Downhill all the way.

Lee: Like Blood

Brian: Like Oil.

Lee: Oil!

Brian:(ala Edwin Starr/James Brown):
        Huhn!
        Good God now - What is it good for?
        Absolutely/

Brian and Lee together: EVERYTHING!

• September 10, 2004 - No Shame Portland
  

  Performed by Lee Moyer and Brian Linss.

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