(LIGHTS OUT. "LOSE YOURSELF," TRACK ONE, PLAYS. LIGHTS UP, MUSIC FADES.)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Grand Slam of this decade! A battle of words and fight to the death! In this corner of the ring we have Jack Sprat! (HOLDS APPLAUSE SIGN) He’s managed by lean meat proponent, Mother Goose! In this corner, Ms. Sprat! (HOLDS APPLAUSE SIGN) She’s managed by the predecessor of Dr. Atkins, Dr. Seuss. (WIFE HOLDS GREEN EGGS & HAM) (BELL RINGS)

JACK SPRAT: I’m Jack Sprat. I can eat no fat.

WIFE: I’m his wife. I can eat no lean.

JACK SPRAT: I spend my days a-counting grams.

WIFE: I only eat protein.

JACK SPRAT: A chicken sandwich, it has five. Veggie burger, 11.

If you just take off the mayo, now it’s only 7.

WIFE: Fatty acids–omega 3’s– keep me full of vigor.

I pee to check ketosis and the weight loss it will trigger.

JACK SPRAT: Add hot sauce to give food spice!

WIFE: Add a slab of lard! Eat it fried or with alfredo!

JACK SPRAT: Eat it baked or charred!

WIFE: Avocadoes, nuts, and seeds,

Salmon, olives, all of these.

JACK SPRAT: Shrimp and carrots, corn and rice,

An egg white omelette sure is nice.

WIFE: Edamame & salami, sausage gravy just like mommy!

Bacon, bratwurst, knockwurst, bologna.

JACK SPRAT: Black beans, pintos, smoothies--fruit only!

Real sugar!

WIFE: Sweet ‘N’ Low!

JACK SPRAT: Sends you straight into chemo.

If I’m looking for a cheat,

I eat tomatoes on whole wheat.

WIFE: If I’m jonesing for a snack,

Then I eat pork ribs by the rack.

JACK SPRAT: Spinach made ol’ Popeye strong,

WIFE: And Olive Oyl made him long!

JACK SPRAT: Damn the poly unsaturate —

clogged arteries they exacerbate.

WIFE: No longer can I just placate.

My darling, you exasperate!

Koo Koo Roo will just not do.

I’ll eat at Tommy’s without you.

JACK SPRAT: Low fat Topz is really best

for In ‘N’ Out will kill your chest!

WIFE: I will eat burgers from there.

I will eat them anywhere.

Monster also protein style,

I’ll eat them from mile to mile.

JACK SPRAT: (GRABS CHEST) "Mac Attack"! Cardio disease!

WIFE: You carb addicts just need some cheese!

JACK SPRAT: (SLOWING) Like Atkins you’ll wind up dead.

WIFE: At least I’ll die full & well fed.

(SLOW MOTION, WIFE SHOOTS WORDS A LA MATRIX, JACK DODGES)

Pork! (GUN SHOT) Beef! (GUN SHOT) Lamb! (GUN SHOT) Meats! (GUN SHOT)

JACK SPRAT: (SLOW MOTION, JACK SHOOTS WORDS A LA MATRIX, WIFE DODGES)

Sprouts! (GUN SHOT) Grains! (GUN SHOT) Bread! (GUN SHOT) Beets! (GUN SHOT, HITS WIFE)

WIFE: (FALLS TO GROUND GRABBING CHEST, SLOW MOTION) Beat, beat, beat… (DIES)

("WHAT IS A YOUTH," TRACK TWO PLAYS.)

JACK SPRAT: (SLOW MOTION, MOUTHS WITHOUT SOUND) Nooooooooooo!

(JACK BEATS CHEST, LAMENTS. JACK EATS GREEN EGGS & HAM FEVERISHLY, GRABS HEART, AND DIES ON TOP OF WIFE. MUSIC & LIGHTS DOWN AFTER DEATH, AFTER THE LINE "SO DOES THE FAIREST MAID.")

• May 23, 2003 - No Shame Los Angeles
  

  Cast: Cadry Nelson, Victor Isaac, Knighty
  

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