Discount Bob

Monologue

Written by Sean Nitchmann

 

Howdy Folks, it's your old friend Discount Bob here from Discount Bob's Pets And More on Route 1 south in the Winn-Dixie Shopping Plaza across the street from the Green Thumb Tractor Supply. Serving the pet and livestock needs of the Tri-County area for over 10 years.

 

Folks you've been coming to Discount Bob's because you know you can rely on Discount Bob to give you the best deals on Pets, Livestock, feeds, seeds, fertilizers, and accessories to make your house and farm the best it can be. I am pleased as punch to announce our recent partnership with Genetex Bioengineering Laboratories. Farmers everywhere know Genetex from their most popular seed product Super Corn XJ9 the unstoppable genetically engineered corn that's filling the pockets of farmers with the hard earned cash they deserve and filling the shelves of grocers all over the world with delicious savory taste of MSG flavored fresh corn.

 

Now due to the recent relaxation of biotechnology laws and regulations, Genetex has been able to bring their scientific magic to fruition in the animal kingdom. Discount Bob's Pets and More is proud to announce that it has been chosen as the exclusive retail outlet for Genetex Bioengineering Laboratories modern miracles. You may have heard or read about the livestock innovations revolutionizing the farming industry. Such as the Camel-Cow. Saving the backs of dairy farmers everywhere because you milk them right off of their humps. Say goodbye to those Chiropractic bills. Or the Golpher-Hog, the swine that wallows under the ground. Allowing hog farmers to sell off their land to encroaching development but still maintain their herd without the fear of stench scaring away prospective buyers.

 

But Folks, I'm here to tell you about Genetex's newest innovation. The must-have house pet of the 21st century. The perfect marriage of productivity and affection that even Mother Nature herself wishes that she had thought of it first. I'm talking about the Chicken-Pussy. That's right, the Chicken-Pussy. You love your chickens but you wouldn't keep them inside. You love your cat, but if he isn't a good mouser, then he's not good for much else than snuggling is he? Well, the Chicken-Pussy can give you the best of both worlds. The Chicken-Pussy is an animal that you can bring inside and make a part of your family, and when you get up in the morning, check his litter box cause there's farm fresh eggs waiting for you there. Breakfast is on! Come and get it!

 

Folks, I'll be honest with you, I always have. The Chicken-Pussy is not the most handsome of beasts. They're an unusual pet, to be sure. They do have a peculiar smell about them. But we have them de-clawed to protect your carpets and also for the safety of your other household pets. These animals may not be easy on the eyes, but they're easy to love and they're willing to give that love right back to you ten fold. I have one in my home, and I'm here to say that Discount Bob loves his Chicken-Pussy! Discount Bob's son Discount Bobby Junior loves his Chicken-Pussy! Why just last night, as I was tucking Bobby Junior into bed, our Chicken-Pussy jumped right up on the bed spread to be with him. And it made my heart warm to see Clucky snuggle his little whiskered beak up against bobby juniors chin. Bobby Junior is no longer afraid of the dark now that he has his Chicken-Pussy in bed with him at night to stroke and hug. And now that Clucky's finally grown out of his pecking stage, Bobby Junior no longer has to wear goggles to protect his eyes.

 

So folks, there's no better time to come down to Discount Bob's Pets and More and get your very own Chicken-Pussy. But you better hurry. These little guy's are going fast and without the capacity to breed, our inventory may be the last of their kind. And if you buy one this week, Discount Bob's will give you a free omelet pan with every Chicken-Pussy purchased. So come on down to Discount Bob's Pets and More on Route 1 south in the Winn-Dixie Shopping Plaza across the street from the Green Thumb Tractor Supply and get your Chicken-Pussy today.