Everybody Stay Calm

By Sean Nitchmann

 

Cast:

Hurt Person

Doctor

Veterinarian

Executioner

Good Samaritan

 

[All characters are in the audience except the Hurt Person.

The Hurt Person walks on stage, trips, falls to the ground and cries out in agony while holding their ankle. The Hurt Person pleads to the audience “can anybody help me?” The Doctor stands up in the audience and approaches the stage while speaking]

 

Doctor

I can help. I’m a doctor. Everybody stay calm.

 

          Hurt Person

Thank God you’re here.

 

          Doctor

Yes, Thank God I am.

Let’s have a look at that. Lift your pants leg please.

[Doctor leans in for a closer look but does not touch the patient]

Hoo Boy, that looks like it hurts! It may be broken.

 

          Hurt Person

It does, It does hurt! What can you do for me?

 

          Doctor

Well, I don’t have the standard release form with me. I suppose we could just jot something down. Do you have insurance?

 

          Hurt Person

No, I don’t.

 

          Doctor

Uh Oh. Sorry, can’t help you.

 

[The Veterinarian stands up in the audience and approaches the stage while speaking]

 

Veterinarian

I can help. I’m a Veterinarian. Everybody stay calm.

 

          Doctor

Careful. He doesn’t have insurance.

 

          Veterinarian

That’s OK. I deal with that a lot in my business. He can pay me in eggs or milk or with his next brood.

Now, let’s get a closer look.

[The Veterinarian touches the Hurt Person’s ankle. Hurt Person cries out]

Yep, it’s broken.

 

          Doctor

I’m glad you concur, Doctor. That was my diagnosis as well.

 

          Veterinarian

Yep, that’s too bad. He’s going to have to be put down. Unfortunately, I left my rifle back at my office.

 

          Doctor

You could pinch his nose and hold your hand over his mouth until he’s asphyxiated.

 

[The Executioner stands up in the audience and approaches the stage while speaking]

 

Executioner

I can help. I am a licensed executioner for the state penal system. I know what to do. Everybody stay calm.

 

          Veterinarian

Thank God you’re here.

 

          Doctor

Careful. He doesn’t have insurance.

 

          Executioner

That’s OK, we can work with that.

 

[The Executioner pulls out an electrical cord with one end cut off and exposed wires, he holds it up for the audience to see. The other characters look at him astonished]

 

          Executioner

Always prepared!

I’m going to need some help dragging him over to that electrical outlet.

 

[The Good Samaritan stands up in the audience]

 

          Good Samaritan

This is ridiculous! You can’t do this!

 

          Executioner

Hey, hey, I’m doing this for all of us. What if he trips again? We’ve got a show to put on here.

 

          Good Samaritan

I don’t care how bad this person’s situation is, you don’t have the right to execute him! Sure, ban him from performing, make him wait in the lobby, but if you execute him, what kind of statement is that? Where does it end? Who’s next? “Your character development is convoluted, to the stockades with you.” or God forbid, “Your jokes aren’t funny enough, off with your head.” Yeah, today you do away with him because he tripped up on stage, tomorrow are you going to do me in if I stumble over a line? No, I’m not going to let this happen, I’m going to see that he gets the help he needs, I have too much respect for life, too much respect for myself to stand by and watch this happen. He may never perform again, but someday, maybe, just maybe, we can reform him, we can teach him to walk on his own again and he’ll at least be able to… to….

 

          Doctor

Be a Doctor?

 

[Good Samaritan thinks about it and shakes his head]

 

Veterinarian

Be a Veterinarian?

 

[Good Samaritan thinks about it and shakes his head]

 

          Executioner

Extinguish human life?

 

[Lights down fast.]