(with help from Adam Burton, Kim Benesh, and Eric Straumanis)

11/6/98

NATE: Our story today is a simple one—straightforward, well told. Boy [ADAM turns around and waves] meets Girl [KIM, like ADAM, turns around; but instead of waving, she "fig leaf"s her hands and blushes bashfully. This is cheesy on purpose.] What will happen? Who can tell? What is a relationship anyway? Why are there wings on some maxi-pads and not on others? These are the questions. Will they [gestures to ADAM and KIM] find the answers? [Turns to look at them] I don't think so, but let's watch anyway.

ADAM (shyly): Hi, Kim.

KIM (even more shyly, but pleased to be noticed): Hi, Adam.

ADAM: Do you want to sit with me on this park bench?

KIM (overjoyed, but not wanting to appear too eager): Why, yes, Adam. That would be fun.

NATE (as he speaks, ADAM and KIM freeze): I have to interrupt here. Do you see how their sexual tension is conveyed in their respective body language? [He takes out a pointer and crosses to them, pointing at the examples of which he speaks.] Legs crossed seductively towards each other, bodies nicely bent forward at the waist, Kim's hands demurely accentuating her crotch, while Adam's right toe is pointed up, his foot nicely erect. [By now, he has crossed so he is facing ADAM, with KIM between them. He speaks to ADAM.] She's pretty hot, isn't she?

ADAM (unfreezing): Oh, yeah.

NATE: Just look at that body.

ADAM (getting hotter): Oh, yeah.

NATE: Red, full lips, taunt, crushing thighs..

ADAM (squirming): Oh, YEAH!

NATE: Flat, tight stomach, round, firm bre—

KIM (coming alive, as ADAM and NATE freeze): I feel I should break in here. Isn't it disgusting the way some men go on and on about a person's body? Like the whole was just the sum of the parts. I imagine in some men's fantasy world a drive through, fast food-like "women store"—"I'd like a blond special number three with extra-ass to go? And could you super-size the breasts and hold the conversation and attitude, please?" It's like this poem I wrote in high school.

[CHRIS comes out with Bongos and drums behind her while she reads, rhythmically]

See me as a whole companion

Not just like a painful bunion

I am not a contradiction

If I don't want just your dick-shun

Angels and their clean ambition

Mark the path of simple friction

Red river flow of mensturation

Is my only vindication

ADAM (as he speaks, KIM and CHRIS freeze): I really have to interrupt. I'm all for poetry and all, but if I have to hear one more rhyming couplet, I'm gonna hurl!

CHRIS (as he speaks, ADAM freezes): Quick aside. Adam's last comment reminds me of my last relationship—when it was over, I was in so much pain, I couldn't get out of bed, all I could do was sleep and eat and sleep and eat. My only salvation came when I wrote this little song that Eric and I are gonna share with you now.

[NATE unfreezes, plays song's introduction. CHRIS sings.]

Since you been gone, I got a hole in my heart,

My Cardiologist says it's benign

But it bleeds whenever I think of you

I can feel the blood pool near my spine

On the day that you left, my left leg fell asleep

But I'm learning to limp through the pain

And now my back is in spasm and my bowel's in a knot

And my hair is fallin' out like rain

CHORUS:

But come back, baby, and I'll be better

Come back, baby, and I'll be fine

Can't you see, baby, I'm sick without you

I need your love to keep me in line

You can say, baby, that it's all in my head,

that I'm psycho-dynamically tweaked

NATE: But I got ten thousand blood tests just to prove that you're wrong

And Kevorkian's interest is piqued.

So c'mon now baby, give my body some rest and come back where you belong

CHRIS: I promise to love you and I promise to heal

BOTH: And I swear I'll never sing you this song...again

[song ends]

CHRIS: Sorry, Adam. I didn't mean to interrupt.

ADAM (walking back to bench): That's okay, I was pretty much done. Kim, please, finish your poem.

KIM (going back to bench): That's okay. I've got a little headache now. I'll just do it later. Eric, do go on—I believe you were commenting on my firm, round breasts...

NATE (by now, back where he was before KIM interrupted): No, BRAINS—firm, round BRAINS. I think you're really smart.

ADAM: Yeah, REALLY REALLY smart.

NATE: And that's what really makes you sexy...

KIM: Nice save, boys. Can we finish this please?

NATE: By all means... [moves back to barstool]

ADAM: Geez, where were we?

KIM (very officially, nigh unto cynicism): You said hi, I said hi, we sat down, giggle, giggle. [She sits, adjusting her clothes, hair.]

ADAM: Oh, yeah. [He sits, pauses just a moment, then both are instantly back in character.] Kim?

KIM: Yes, Adam?

ADAM: Will you do something for me?

KIM (slightly more expectantly): Yes, Adam?

ADAM: Will you ask your best friend Sara if she likes me?

[KIM turns to audience, her face fallen then both freeze.]

NATE: Ain't love a bitch? [quick blues riff]

BLACKOUT.