[GIRL and BOY enter, sit down at chairs next to each other. MEN'S HEALTH and COSMO enter, stand downstage and away from center of BOY and GIRL respectively. They carry examples of the magazines they represent, and read from them. BOY and GIRL will react to what the magazines say.]

MEN'S HEALTH: First Date: How to Please Her, whoever she is...

COSMO: First Date: How to give him what he wants AND keep him coming back for more.

MEN'S HEALTH: Step one: Body Language...

COSMO: Whatever you do, keep smiling-no man will kiss a sourpuss.

[Both smile, self-consciously.]

MEN'S HEALTH: Make frequent eye contact-let her know what you want.

[They go overboard trying to keep eye contact. BOY and GIRL continue to try to respond to the following suggestions, but overdo it.]

COSMO: Play with the buttons on your blouse, his eyes will be there anyway.

MEN'S HEALTH: Whenever you can, draw attention to your package.

COSMO: The size of his hands really does mean something.

MEN'S HEALTH: The size of her ankles really does mean something.

COSMO: Posture alone can make your breasts bigger.

MEN'S HEALTH: Hide as much fat as possible. Keep your stomach tight.

COSMO: Your legs demurely crossed.

MEN'S HEALTH: Your shoulders back.

COSMO: Your thighs clenched.

MEN'S HEALTH: Your butt flexed.

COSMO: Your chest forward.

MEN'S HEALTH: Your chest expanded.

[By now, both BOY and GIRL are twisted into awkward statues.]

COSMO [harsh]: Keep smiling!!

MEN'S HEALTH: Eye contact!

COSMO: And above all...

MEN'S HEALTH: Relax and be yourself!

[BOY and GIRL look at magazines in exasperation.]

COSMO: Step 2, conversation...

MEN'S HEALTH: No woman wants to date a windbag.

COSMO: No man wants a Chatty Cathy.

MEN'S HEALTH: Get her to talk.

COSMO: Ask him about his interests, like sports...

MEN'S HEALTH: Shopping.

COSMO: Hunting.

MEN'S HEALTH: Cooking.

COSMO: Cars.

MEN'S HEALTH: Clothes. You don't actually have to LIKE this stuff, of course, but pretend to be interested for her sake.

BOY: So, did you go to the mall today?

GIRL: No, I was too busy working on my car and watching the Raider's game.

BOY: Oh...

[Both look to magazines for help.]

COSMO: Keep the conversation flowing. Ask lots of questions to draw him out.

GIRL: So, do you like the Raiders?

BOY: Um..., well..

MEN'S HEALTH: Women like men who are strong and decisive. If you don't know the answer to a question, make something up.

BOY: YES, I love the Raiders. [Smiles at MEN'S HEALTH, who gives the okay sign.] I've always liked hockey. [MEN'S HEALTH and GIRL are disgusted.]

COSMO: Men's egos are very fragile. Smart women ignore their little mistakes.

GIRL [glaring at COSMO, then reluctantly to BOY]: Yeah...hockey IS cool...

MEN'S HEALTH: Do whatever it takes to be the man she'll want to be with.

COSMO: With a few personal changes, you can be his dream date.

MEN'S HEALTH: Make her believe you are sincere. If you have to, lie-this is no time for honesty, you're trying to score.

BOY: You have really pretty... [searching] eyebrows.

COSMO: Tell him whatever he wants to hear-remember: Keep him interested!

GIRL: Thanks...um,...I grew them myself.

BOY: Cool.

COSMO: Above all:

MEN'S HEALTH: Just be yourself.

COSMO: But don't forget to smile!!

[BOY and GIRL smile cheezily at each other. Magazines groan.]

MEN'S HEALTH: Moving on...Step three: Making the move.

COSMO: Men don't like aggressive women, so no matter how bad you want it, make him come to you.

MEN'S HEALTH: Women are sick of heavy come-on's. Play it cool. Let her come to you.

COSMO: Strike as seductive a pose as you can. Work it, girl. Get him hot and bothered.

[GIRL attempts a lounging seductive pose.]

MEN'S HEALTH: Ignore her little games, play it cool, calm and collected. Make her work.

[BOY tries to be cool. He fails.]

COSMO: Touch him, a little, then back away. [GIRL slugs BOY, who winces, but tries to be cool] If you can, let your hair brush up against him. This drives men wild. [GIRL starts whipping BOY with her hair, which BOY coolly tries to ignore.] Tease him, a little. Men like the tease.

MEN'S HEALTH: No man likes a tease, so ignore her until you're good and ready, and then, make your move.

[BOY finally gets out of hair range.]

COSMO: Don't just give it away, make him chase a little.

[BOY chases GIRL around the chairs, but trips. GIRL goes to help him, but is unsure what she should do.]

MEN'S HEALTH: Don't be afraid to break down her resistance.

[Both BOY and GIRL are completely lost by this point, and stare at MEN'S HEALTH, who shrugs.]

COSMO: Finally, let him take you in his arms...

MEN'S HEALTH: Take her in your arms...

COSMO: Look deep into his eyes...

MEN'S HEALTH: Look deep into her eyes, and whisper exactly what you're thinking about her. Be brave-this is the moment of truth.

COSMO/MEN'S HEALTH: And above all, be yourself!!

BOY [pause]: I think I like boys.

GIRL: Oh, good. Because I don't.

BLACKOUT.

"Periodic Influences" debuted April 16, 1999, performed by Chris Okiishi, Mary Fons, Adam Burton and Aprille Clarke.

Performed at Best of No Shame on April 30, 1999.

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