(LIGHTS UP. Three guys resting, watching TV together. One has the remote, and is channel surfing.)

ADAM: Hey wait. Go back. That looked interesting.

TOM: No. It wasn't.

ADAM: How do you know?

TOM: Adam... It was WGN. It was either a "Wings" rerun, or "Saved by the Bell."

ADAM: Oh, geez. Keep moving.

CHRIS: Hey, could you go back to MTV a second.

ADAM: Hold on. Isn't this that "Real Road...Rules World" marathon thing? How can you stand this crap?

CHRIS: No, I just like the song they were playing.

TOM: Paula Cole? How can you like Paula Cole? I mean, she's got an okay voice, and I totally respect the feminist produce-your-album-yourself thing. But come on! Is it too much to ask that she use decent grammar?

ADAM: OK. Memo to self--never watch MTV with a Rhetoric TA.

TOM: No! I mean, doesn't it bug you too? "Open up your morning light, say a little prayer for I?" "For I??" Who talks like that? I'm all for rhyming and whatever, but hey, even Jewel knows how to use the object of a preposition correctly.

CHRIS: So she goes a little far. Would you prefer "You get up to take a pee, then say a little prayer for me"?

TOM: Oh, very poetic! But at least it's grammatical.

CHRIS: Whatever. Oh, change it to seven. "Friends" is about to start.

ADAM: That reminds me, Chris... do you still have my Rufus Wainwright CD?

TOM: How did watching "Friends" remind you of Rufus Wainwright?

ADAM: Well, when I think of "Friends," I think of Phoebe, who plays guitar, and who's kind of an acquired taste actress, but I really like her now, and I also think of Chandler and Joey, who are really just over-compensating closeted homosexuals. Guitar, acquired-taste, homosexual--Rufus Wainwright!

CHRIS: You're amazing. Um, I think it's out in my car somewhere. You can go look if you want.

ADAM: Gimme your keys. [starts to exit] If I'm not back in ten minutes, send in divers, okay?

CHRIS: It's not that bad. I cleaned it.

ADAM: Yeah, I remember. Wasn't that during the Reagan administration? You got your parachute pants all dirty and were late for the Duran Duran concert.

CHRIS: Funny. [Adam exits. Tom and Chris watch TV for a second.] I know this sounds pathetic, but I get a little nervous just before Must-See TV starts. Because, if "Friends" is a re-run, then so is the whole evening, and that's just never good. Lord knows I can barely stand "Veronica's Closet" once, let alone twice.

TOM: It's kinda like when you're at the Cash Station and you're waiting for machine to process your information, and there's that split-second where it's either gonna give you the cash, or print up an overdrawn message, and you're waiting, and sometimes it's a good day, and you hear the whirring of the cash dispenser motors, and all is right with the world, and sometimes it's a bad day and you hear that old-school printer noise, and you know you're outta luck. "Friends" is like that. You wait with anticipation, not really recognizing the scene, and sometimes it's good and you know it's new, and then sometimes Jennifer Aniston comes in with last fall's haircut and it's all over.

CHRIS: Hey, nice monologue, buddy. What, you forget I'm here?

TOM: Sorry. Just got caught up in the moment.

CHRIS: Well, that makes one of us. So, is this a repeat or not?

TOM: I can't tell yet. No obvious hair clues.

ADAM [entering, sees TV]: Yuck. It's a re-run.

CHRIS: How can you tell?

ADAM: Duh. Ross has a wedding ring.

[Chris and Tom scrutinize the screen. Then nod in agreement/awe.]

CHRIS: So, any luck with the CD?

ADAM: No. But I found Jimmy Hoffa and at least part of the Lindbergh baby. [tosses the keys back]

CHRIS: Did you lock?

ADAM: Yeah.

CHRIS: You know you have to hold up the handle while you close the door.

ADAM: I know, I know... [pause] Well, okay, I did it wrong the first time, because I can never remember if I'm supposed to hold it up or not. But it's worse holding it up when I'm not supposed to, 'cause then it does that jam-and-bounce-back thing. I really hate that. I'd rather close it twice.

CHRIS: Yeah, these ARE the big issues of the day.

ADAM [laughing]: Fuck you.

TOM: So. What are we gonna do now? I'm not about wasting time watching re-runs.

CHRIS: You're not "about" wasting time? Hanging with the undergrads a little much, Tom? Gosh, that's so "dope."

ADAM: We could go out..

CHRIS: No. That would require movement.

TOM: God forbid.

CHRIS: Hey. I'm just obeying the laws of physics. Objects in motion tend to stay in motion, objects at rest, yadda, yadda. The universe makes the rules. I just play along.

ADAM: We could write that No Shame sketch for tomorrow, instead of waiting until the last moment.

TOM: Hey, when are you guys gonna put me in a sketch. I mean, I think I'd play a really good straight guy.

ADAM: There aren't too many straight guys in Chris' scripts.

CHRIS: Hey, now. I write what I know.

TOM: You could write a piece about trying to write a piece, like, just, sorta what we're doing now.

[Pause]

ADAM: Well, I suppose it has been a while since someone did a "process" piece like that, but, I don't know, something about that kind of meta-writing is like fingernails on a chalkboard deep down in the soul of any veteran No Shame performer.

CHRIS: Yeah. And how would you end it? You write a piece. Big deal. There's really nowhere to go with that.

[Pause]

TOM: I guess I see your point.

[Pause. Then Tom starts flipping channel again. LIGHTS SLOWLY FADE.]