[LIGHTS UP. Two men enter from opposite ends of the stage, see each other, stop, turn to address the audience.]

ADAM [intensely]: I hate Chris Okiishi.

CHRIS [also intense]: I hate Adam Burton.

ADAM: I have for a while now.

CHRIS: I have since the minute I met him.

BOTH: I can't really explain it...

ADAM: It's just...

CHRIS: It's just...

ADAM: The way he licks his fingers when he's eating.

CHRIS: The way he's just too cheerful on the phone.

ADAM: His terminal disorganization.

CHRIS: His over-protection of his car.

ADAM: There are so many reasons.

CHRIS: So many reasons.

ADAM: But mostly it's...

BOTH: Just a Gut Reaction.

CHRIS: Look at him there.

ADAM: Look at him there.

CHRIS: Don't you just hate him?

ADAM: Don't you just want to take a gun and...[mimes firing]

[ADAM resumes his walk across stage in CHRIS’ general direction.]

CHRIS: Shit. He's coming this way. [CHRIS begins to pace.]

ADAM: Damn! He's in my way. [addresses audience again] This time, he'll know how much I hate him. I will make it perfectly clear! [resumes walking, waves. Speaks pleasantly:] HI! [back to audience, intense.] That will show him, the bastard!

CHRIS: Cunning devil! [walks in ADAM’s direction. Speaks conversationally] HI! HOW'S IT GOING? [back to audience] In your face, jerk!

[They pass each other, wondering if they've gotten away with the brush-off, then visibly relieved that it seems to have worked. They end up on opposite ends of the stage.]

ADAM: God, I hate Chris Okiishi.

Chris [almost simultaneously]: God, I hate Adam Burton.

ADAM: He's vain...

CHRIS: Obnoxious...

ADAM: Boring...

CHRIS: Tedious...

ADAM [gaze wandering over to CHRIS]: Kinda cute though...

CHRIS [looking at ADAM]: Not altogether un-handsome...

[They stare for a moment, hold, then look away quickly, saying—]

BOTH [vehemently]: God I hate him! [staring again] I really, really hate...

[Medium-speed FADE-OUT.]