copyright © 2003 Joshua Peskay / Joshua James

New Texas

By

Joshua Peskay and Joshua James

Cast of Characters:

Bush

Dick

Rummy

Ash

 

Blackout

Narrator: The year is 2004. Through a delicate combination of tactful diplomacy and relentless carpet-bombing, Iraq has been bludgeoned into a democracy and brought into the Union of the United States of America as number fifty-one. Cuba and Mexico are still on deck. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to New Texas.

Lights up on Bush, sitting on one of four lawn chairs, gnawing on a toothpick, drinking a beer.

Bush: Ahhhhh. Now this is downright presidentimable. Sun, beer, only one thing missing.

Enter Dick.

Dick: Yee-haw!

Bush: Dick! You old bastard!

Dick: Bush! You sombitch!

They embrace.

Bush: Welcome to New Texas, Dick.

Dick: It’s a pleasure, Bush. A real pleasure. Woo dog, sure is a scorcher today.

Bush: Yeah, well you know what they say when they say stuff. Nothing happier than a Bush in heat.

Dick: Amen to that. Toss me a cold one there, tough guy. So, how’s New Texas?

Bush: Suuuhweet. Tons of space, shitloads of oil, and no bill of rights. Dick, this is living.

Dick: So, what didja invite us down here for?

Bush: In honor of me declaring myself El Capitan of New Texas, we gonna celebrate, Texas style.

Dick: El Capitan! Righteous! How you gonna celebrate? Execute a few minorities?

Bush: You got it! The Secret Service is rounding up some right now! That reminds me, make sure Colin Powell’s wearin’ his uniform. I don’t want him getting caught in the round-up again like last time. Man, was he was pissed.

Dick: So, what kinda minorities you got down here?

Bush: Iroquois. I swear I can’t figure these people out, though. They look like wetbacks and smell like beaners, but they don’t speak a lick of Spanish and they can’t cook for shit.

Dick: Guess there’s just no figuring some people.

Bush: Where’s Rummy?

Dick: He’s gassing up his Hummer. He couldn’t believe the gas prices down here.

Bush: Amen to that. Gas is so cheap here it’s like Jesus himself is pumping it into your soul.

Dick: Halleluyah. Hey, here’s Rummy.

Enter Rummy.

Dick: Rummy, you sumbitch!

Bush: Rummy, you old rat bastard. Come on here and have a sit down with El Capitan.

Rummy: I swear to God, fellas, I’ve been looking since yesterday and there ain’t one goddamn titty bar in this whole country.

Dick: It’s a state now Rummy. We’re in the state of New Texas.

Rummy: State, Country, Church, School. Whatever. They all look the same to a laser-guided hellfire missile. How you fellas doing?

Bush: Hot but not bothered. What are you drinking, Rummy?

Rummy: Petrol, high octane, straight up. Love the stuff. Dick, how’s the ticker?

Dick: It’s still workin’ so don’t get any ideas, you ambitious bastard. I know you were the evil cuss that sent that epileptic hooker to my room last night. Lucky for me I had just charged up the ol’pacemaker. Hoo, dog. That bitch lit me up like a Christmas tree.

Rummy: Dick, I swear it wasn’t me that sent her, I swear on my honor as a member of the United States Government.

Pause, then they all look at each other and laugh hysterically..

Bush: (laughing) Woo!

Dick: (laughing) Fuck.

Bush: Haw! I can’t believe you said that with a straight face!

Rummy: I didn’t know how long I could hold it, I almost broke, I swear to God.

Dick: Haw! It hurts, it hurts!

Ash, all pissed off.

Ash: Damn it to hell.

All: Ash!

Ash: Shit fuck piss cunt! Damn it all!

Dick: Ash, what the hell’s the matter with you?

Rummy: The war’s over, buddy. We won!

Bush: We was just about to celebrate by zapping a few beaners, just like in Old Texas.

Ash: We can’t.

Bush: What?

Ash: Ya can’t fry nobody.

Bush: What do ya mean I can’t? Of course I can, I’m El Capitan of New Texas, not to mention to the Assistant to the Vice President of the US of A. I do whatever the fuck I want to, ain’t that right Dick?

Dick: Pretty much. So long as I tell you to first.

Bush: And right now I wanna execute a few minorities. Killing poor people is the thing I miss most about being Governor of Texas. Why the hell do ya think I invaded this country in the first place? It wasn’t for the oil.

Dick: Well, actually . . . it was for the oil, Bush.

Bush: The oil was for you, Dick, Not me. I just wanted to fuck up some poor minorities. Now what’s this horseshit about me not being able to carry on my Texas-style celebration?

Ash: It’s that Goddamn Jimmy Carter.

Bush: Jimmy Carter?

Rummy: What’s that peanut-pushing liberal cracker doing here?

Ash: Goddamn cracker started up an ACLU branch in Baghdad.

Dick: We don’t call it Baghdad anymore, Ash. The capital of New Texas is now called Bush Beach.

Ash: My bad.

Dick: So what’s this about the ACLU at Bush Beach?

Ash: The Iroquois want civil liberties.

Bush: Civil liberties? What the hell are civil liberties, Rummy?

Rummy: Means ya can’t execute anyone without some kind of reason.

Bush: What kind of shit is that? That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard of. We don’t have no civil liberties here in New Texas.

Dick: We don’t have them in Old Texas, why should we have them in New Texas?

Ash: It’s too late, the media’s already caught wind of it.

Bush: Fuck the media, we are the media. Fucking Carter. Ash, call Jiminy Cricket and tell him if he pulls any more shit like this I’ll drill an oil well straight up his peanut patch.

They all take a sideways glance at Bush

Bush: What?

Ash: We can’t control it, fellas. Now that the war’s over, there’s all this sympathy for the poor little Iroquois. Ya can’t fry nobody now.

Bush: What’s the point then fighting then? I only went to war so I could execute poor people. If I can’t that one simple thing, what’s the point of being El Capitan?

Ash: But the war’s over, Bush. We can’t keep killing people.

Bush: Rummy, is this true?

Rummy: It’s over, Bush.

Bush: Dick?

Dick: They’re right, El Capitan. The war is over.

Brief pause.

Bush: I guess there’s only one thing left to do. Rummy, how many forces and how much time would you need to take over France?

Rummy: France? Sheeeet. A dozen or so Navy SEALs. Three hours. This time tomorrow, we’ll be staging public executions at the Louvre.

Bush: The Louvre? I said France, Rummy!

Dick: The Louvre is in France, Bush.

Bush: Well, fuck me in the ass. When did they move it there?

Ashcroft: I’ll go prep congress.

Rummy: I’ll draft a press release.

Ash: I’ll see if the nukes are ready.

Bush: Hey wait a minute, aren’t them Francians mostly white people?

Dick: Yeah, but they’re liberal.

Rummy: And peace-loving.

Ash: And they have universal health care.

Bush: Time to bring‘em some war, baby! Texas style. Boo yah!

 

 

Lights Down

THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

AUTHOR'S NOTES (James):
It was a fun piece to work with Joshua on - he wrote the first half, I wrote the second and then we kept adding little things - turned out all right, tho a little broader than what I usually do.


[Joshua James websites: The Defiant Ones --- Spooged]

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