New Texas
By
Joshua Peskay and Joshua James
Cast of Characters:
Bush
Dick
Rummy
Ash
Blackout
Narrator: The year is 2004. Through a delicate combination of tactful diplomacy and relentless carpet-bombing, Iraq has been bludgeoned into a democracy and brought into the Union of the United States of America as number fifty-one. Cuba and Mexico are still on deck. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to New Texas.
Lights up on Bush, sitting on one of four lawn chairs, gnawing on a toothpick, drinking a beer.
Bush: Ahhhhh. Now this is downright presidentimable. Sun, beer, only one thing missing.
Enter Dick.
Dick: Yee-haw!
Bush: Dick! You old bastard!
Dick: Bush! You sombitch!
They embrace.
Bush: Welcome to New Texas, Dick.
Dick: Its a pleasure, Bush. A real pleasure. Woo dog, sure is a scorcher today.
Bush: Yeah, well you know what they say when they say stuff. Nothing happier than a Bush in heat.
Dick: Amen to that. Toss me a cold one there, tough guy. So, hows New Texas?
Bush: Suuuhweet. Tons of space, shitloads of oil, and no bill of rights. Dick, this is living.
Dick: So, what didja invite us down here for?
Bush: In honor of me declaring myself El Capitan of New Texas, we gonna celebrate, Texas style.
Dick: El Capitan! Righteous! How you gonna celebrate? Execute a few minorities?
Bush: You got it! The Secret Service is rounding up some right now! That reminds me, make sure Colin Powells wearin his uniform. I dont want him getting caught in the round-up again like last time. Man, was he was pissed.
Dick: So, what kinda minorities you got down here?
Bush: Iroquois. I swear I cant figure these people out, though. They look like wetbacks and smell like beaners, but they dont speak a lick of Spanish and they cant cook for shit.
Dick: Guess theres just no figuring some people.
Bush: Wheres Rummy?
Dick: Hes gassing up his Hummer. He couldnt believe the gas prices down here.
Bush: Amen to that. Gas is so cheap here its like Jesus himself is pumping it into your soul.
Dick: Halleluyah. Hey, heres Rummy.
Enter Rummy.
Dick: Rummy, you sumbitch!
Bush: Rummy, you old rat bastard. Come on here and have a sit down with El Capitan.
Rummy: I swear to God, fellas, Ive been looking since yesterday and there aint one goddamn titty bar in this whole country.
Dick: Its a state now Rummy. Were in the state of New Texas.
Rummy: State, Country, Church, School. Whatever. They all look the same to a laser-guided hellfire missile. How you fellas doing?
Bush: Hot but not bothered. What are you drinking, Rummy?
Rummy: Petrol, high octane, straight up. Love the stuff. Dick, hows the ticker?
Dick: Its still workin so dont get any ideas, you ambitious bastard. I know you were the evil cuss that sent that epileptic hooker to my room last night. Lucky for me I had just charged up the olpacemaker. Hoo, dog. That bitch lit me up like a Christmas tree.
Rummy: Dick, I swear it wasnt me that sent her, I swear on my honor as a member of the United States Government.
Pause, then they all look at each other and laugh hysterically..
Bush: (laughing) Woo!
Dick: (laughing) Fuck.
Bush: Haw! I cant believe you said that with a straight face!
Rummy: I didnt know how long I could hold it, I almost broke, I swear to God.
Dick: Haw! It hurts, it hurts!
Ash, all pissed off.
Ash: Damn it to hell.
All: Ash!
Ash: Shit fuck piss cunt! Damn it all!
Dick: Ash, what the hells the matter with you?
Rummy: The wars over, buddy. We won!
Bush: We was just about to celebrate by zapping a few beaners, just like in Old Texas.
Ash: We cant.
Bush: What?
Ash: Ya cant fry nobody.
Bush: What do ya mean I cant? Of course I can, Im El Capitan of New Texas, not to mention to the Assistant to the Vice President of the US of A. I do whatever the fuck I want to, aint that right Dick?
Dick: Pretty much. So long as I tell you to first.
Bush: And right now I wanna execute a few minorities. Killing poor people is the thing I miss most about being Governor of Texas. Why the hell do ya think I invaded this country in the first place? It wasnt for the oil.
Dick: Well, actually . . . it was for the oil, Bush.
Bush: The oil was for you, Dick, Not me. I just wanted to fuck up some poor minorities. Now whats this horseshit about me not being able to carry on my Texas-style celebration?
Ash: Its that Goddamn Jimmy Carter.
Bush: Jimmy Carter?
Rummy: Whats that peanut-pushing liberal cracker doing here?
Ash: Goddamn cracker started up an ACLU branch in Baghdad.
Dick: We dont call it Baghdad anymore, Ash. The capital of New Texas is now called Bush Beach.
Ash: My bad.
Dick: So whats this about the ACLU at Bush Beach?
Ash: The Iroquois want civil liberties.
Bush: Civil liberties? What the hell are civil liberties, Rummy?
Rummy: Means ya cant execute anyone without some kind of reason.
Bush: What kind of shit is that? Thats the dumbest thing I ever heard of. We dont have no civil liberties here in New Texas.
Dick: We dont have them in Old Texas, why should we have them in New Texas?
Ash: Its too late, the medias already caught wind of it.
Bush: Fuck the media, we are the media. Fucking Carter. Ash, call Jiminy Cricket and tell him if he pulls any more shit like this Ill drill an oil well straight up his peanut patch.
They all take a sideways glance at Bush
Bush: What?
Ash: We cant control it, fellas. Now that the wars over, theres all this sympathy for the poor little Iroquois. Ya cant fry nobody now.
Bush: Whats the point then fighting then? I only went to war so I could execute poor people. If I cant that one simple thing, whats the point of being El Capitan?
Ash: But the wars over, Bush. We cant keep killing people.
Bush: Rummy, is this true?
Rummy: Its over, Bush.
Bush: Dick?
Dick: Theyre right, El Capitan. The war is over.
Brief pause.
Bush: I guess theres only one thing left to do. Rummy, how many forces and how much time would you need to take over France?
Rummy: France? Sheeeet. A dozen or so Navy SEALs. Three hours. This time tomorrow, well be staging public executions at the Louvre.
Bush: The Louvre? I said France, Rummy!
Dick: The Louvre is in France, Bush.
Bush: Well, fuck me in the ass. When did they move it there?
Ashcroft: Ill go prep congress.
Rummy: Ill draft a press release.
Ash: Ill see if the nukes are ready.
Bush: Hey wait a minute, arent them Francians mostly white people?
Dick: Yeah, but theyre liberal.
Rummy: And peace-loving.
Ash: And they have universal health care.
Bush: Time to bringem some war, baby! Texas style. Boo yah!
Lights Down
Matthew Peskay as Bush
Joshua Peskay as Cheney
Dan Brooks as Rummy
Joshua James as Ashcroft
Matthew Peskay as Bush
Joshua Peskay as Cheney
Dan Brooks as Rummy
Joshua James as Ashcroft