I hate her.

I drove an hour to spend the night with her, and she ended up falling asleep on the couch shortly after I arrived. I hate her for that.

She’s smarter than I am. I hate her for that.

She told me when we met that she would never date someone who smokes; even someone who occasionally lights up a cigar. I hate her for that.

She’s a smoker now. I hate her for that.

She doesn’t think any of my jokes are funny. I hate her for that.

She thinks I only like her because her daddy’s rich. I hate her for that.

She doesn’t get any of my jokes. I hate her for that.

She’s not as smart as me. I hate her for that.

She thinks she’s fat. I hate her for that.

Every freckle she has on her face is still cute even though she’s almost 20. I hate her for that.

She’s not even a little bit fat. I hate her for that.

She never tells me what she’s thinking. Even when she knows I know what she’s thinking. Even when she knows that what she’s thinking won’t hurt me. I hate her for that.

She’s never seen any of the original Star Wars movies. I hate her for that.

She says she doesn’t eat meat because she doesn’t like the way it tastes. I hate her for that.

She once mentioned to me that a friend had once compared her to Mariah Carey and that now, every time I see Mariah on TV or hear her on the radio, I think of her. I hate her for that.

She threw away the flowers I bought her. I hate her for that.

She owns a pair of stretchy black bar pants but refuses to wear them even though she knows she looks good when she does. I hate her for that.

She almost always has to have a boyfriend. That boyfriend is almost never me. I hate her for that.

She owns 3 pairs of the same pair of GAP jeans and wears them subsequently instead of interspersing another pair of jeans in-between so it looks like she wear the same pair of jeans for about six days straight days straight. I hate her for that.

She won’t admit that her ass looks great in those jeans. I hate her for that.

She didn’t believe when I told her I never cry. I hate her for that.

She made me cry. I hate her for that.

She hits her forehead whenever she thinks she’s done something stupid. I hate her for that.

It’s extremely cute. I hate her for that.

She dated my best friend before she dated me. I hate her for that.

She fucked him. I hate her for that.

She didn’t fuck me. I hate her for that.

She’s a lesbian. I hate her for that.

She cheated on me. I hate her for that.

In spite of all this, I can’t fall out of love with her. I hate her for that most of all.

• February 8, 2002 - No Shame Iowa City
  

  Performed by Pookman

• June 5, 2005 - National Best of No Shame at Piccolo Spoleto (Charleston)
  

  Performed by Trent Westbrook

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