DEBATE NIGHT 2004

Copyright (C) 2004 by Steve Rawley

Lights up on ANNOUNCER, sitting stage left at table; GEORGE W. BUSH
and JOHN F. KERRY standing at podiums center stage, TERESA HEINZ KERRY
touching up J. F. KERRY's makeup

				ANNOUNCER
			(sports announcer voice)
		Welcome to Debate Night 2004. I'm Rob MacNeil,
		broadcasting live from the Springfield Ice Arena.
		Tonight: Champion George W. Bush faces off
		against this season's surprise contender, John F.
		Kerry.

		Officiating tonight is referee moderator Liz
		Michaels. And here she comes now!

				AUDIENCE
		BOOOOOOOOOO!!!

REFEREE enters, confers with candidates, all flip through thick rule
books

				ANNOUNCER
		I'm not sure what's happening now, but it 
		looks like they're going over the rules. 
		It looks like President Bush may be contesting
		some late changes submitted by Team Kerry.
		
		Let's go to our floor mikes and see if
		we can hear what's going on....

				REF
		Alright, gentlemen, you've both signed the
		ammended memorandum of understanding. One last
		time: Do you agree to the rules as they are
		laid out in this document?

				KERRY
		Yes, we agree.

				BUSH
		Of course. Of course I understand, and we 
		already -- let me, let me finish! -- this is
		the memo, the, hold on, hold on, what's that?
			(holds hand to ear)
		No, no, we don't agree, there have been some
		last minute changes that we don't agree to.

				REF
		But you already signed.




				BUSH
		No, let me finish. Let me finish. For example,
		what's this "developmental delay" penalty?
		I don't think Karl knows about this one.

				REF
			(to Kerry)
		You wanna explain that one?

				KERRY
		It's pretty simple, really. If either of us
		mispronounces a common word or demonstrates a
		lack of intelligence, he's got to wear a special
		helmet.

				BUSH
		A helmet?

				KERRY
		Right. A "special" helmet. If you'll refer to
		section 17, paragraph 12, you'll see--

				BUSH
		Fine. That's just fine. But there's no point
		deduction?

				REF
		It says just the penalty.
		
				BUSH
		Fine. Just don't look at me or cross that line.
			(points at line on floor)
			(to ref)
		He can't talk to me, right?

				REF
		Right.

				BUSH
			(points to Teresa)
		And what about her? She can't be up here can she?

				REF
			(to Teresa)
		You'll have to go.

				TERESA
			(pats Kerry on shoulder)
		That's fine, dahling. You'll be just fine.

Teresa wanders over to brodcast booth and sits down with announcer 
while candidates and ref continue to confer.





				ANNOUNCER
		Well they're still talking down there, and--
		Just a minute!

		Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been joined here in
		the booth by none other than, uh, one of John Kerry's
		makeup people. So, uh, what can you tell us about the
		mood down there right now?

				TERESA
		My name is Teresa Heinz Kerry, and by now I hope it
		will come as no surprise to anyone that I have
		something to say.

				ANNOUNCER
		Well that's just great! What's the mood coming in
		here tonight? Is the Senator looking for the slam
		dunk, the grand slam? Is he going to be on the
		lookout for the Bush hail mary?

				TERESA
		Y a todos los Hispanos, los Latinos; a tous les
		Americains, Francais et Canadiens--

				ANNOUNCER
		Well slow down there, miss Einstein, I'm not even 
		sure if you can say those things on TV!

				TERESA
		I can assure you it's safe.

				ANNOUNCER
		Well that's just great, Mrs. Kerry!

				TERESA
		HEINZ Kerry.

				ANNOUNCER
		Mrs. HEINZ Kerry, can you tell us what your favorite
		chocolate chip cookie recipe is?

				TERESA
		That's an absurdly demeaning question, Rob. Shall I
		tell you where you can shove it?

				ANNOUNCER
		Do you read books to toddlers at public libraries?

				TERESA
		I think you are confusing me with Laura Bush.

				ANNOUNCER
		Just a minute! Just a minute! It looks like they're
		just about ready to start! Mrs. Heinz Kerry, why
		don't you stick around and provide the color 
		commentary!

				TERESA
		I'd be delighted to, Rob. But please, call me
		Teresa.

				REF
		All right you two. I run a clean game. I don't want
		any cheap shots. Keep your eyes on the ball and your
		sticks on the ice.

				BUSH
		Is that some kind of hockey reference?

				REF
		Each candidate gets 3 seconds to answer the
		question, and his opponent will have 2 seconds
		to respond. 

		The first question is for President Bush.

		Mr. President: you invaded Iraq on the premise that
		there were weapons of mass destruction there. Nobody
		believed you at the time, and now it's clear why.
		What do you have to say for yourself?

				BUSH
		Look, the Amercan people know that Sodom had
		nuke-you-ler aspirations....

				AUDIENCE
		Open your eyes ref!

				REF
			(blows whistle, points at Bush and
			makes motion like pulling a helmet on)
		Developmental Delay! Helmet!
			(pulls helmet out of bag and puts it
			on Bush)
			
				BUSH
		What'd I say?

				KERRY
			(laughs)
		Nuke-you-ler!

				BUSH
		Hey, hey! He talked to me!

				REF
			(blows whistle)
		First warning! Addressing the oponent!

				BUSH
		Isn't that a penalty?

				KERRY
		No, if you'll refer to section 17, paragraph 37--

				REF
			(blows whistle)
		Addressing the oponent! Second call! That's a
		penalty! Your response must be delivered while
		facing the wall!

				ANNOUNCER
		Well, referee Liz Michaels is wasting no time
		establishing the tenor of tonight's debate. She's
		not going to tolerate any of the funny stuff.

				TERESA
		That's right Rob, and I have to say I think that
		last call was a little questionable.

				REF
		Senator Kerry, you have two seconds to respond to 
		President Bush's response!

				KERRY
			(turns to face the wall)
		We all know the reasons for going to war were bunk.
		I only voted to authorize the war to avoid being
		called a liberal.

				REF
			(blows whistle)
		One point to Kerry for honesty. You may face the
		camera again.

		Next question is yours, Senator. Perhaps the only
		principled stand you've ever taken was your oposition
		to the war in Viet Nam. Why have you all but disavowed
		that? Three seconds.

				KERRY
		I'm running for president as a hawk, Liz. Oposition
		to war makes a guy look like a pussie.

				REF
		President Bush, two seconds to respond.

				BUSH
		Look, I opposed the war, too, but you didn't see
		me testifyin' to congress. I just avoided the whole
		ugly mess!

				REF
			(blows whistle)
		One point to Bush for obfuscation!

		Next question goes to the President. President Bush,
		you're the first president since Hoover to preside
		over a loss of jobs. What's your plan to rebuild the
		economy and get America back to work?

				BUSH
			(scowls at ref)
		Jobs. Well of course I... There's jobs that... and my
		tax cuts are working... and...
		
				REF
			(blows whistle)
		Time! Senator Kerry two seconds!

				KERRY
		Well, jobs are important to people who work. The
		president isn't being straight with the American
		pepole. I'm going to put America back to work with
		an 18 point plan. First--

				REF
			(blows whistle)
		Time! Okay, that's a draw. No points! According to
		the rules, we have to have a face-off.

				BUSH
		Just a minute, just a minute...
			(holds hand to ear)
		Look, that's another one Team Kerry added late,
		I don't think...

				REF
			(holds out hockey sticks)
		Shut up and take a stick, Mr. President. Consider
		this a warning.

				ANNOUNCER
		Well, this debate just got a lot more interesting.
		John F. Kerry, a former collegiate hockey player,
		facing off against George W. Bush. I'd have to
		say Senator Kerry has the advantage on this draw.

				TERESA
		That's right, Rob, I think John's really going
		to stick it to him, if you'll pardon the pun.

Candidates take hockey sticks and face off. Ref drops the puck and 
Kerry pushes Bush easilly out of the way, then knocks the puck with
his stick.

				REF
			(blows whistle)
		One point to Kerry!

Candidates put down sticks and go back to their podiums.

				REF
		The next question is for Senator Kerry. Senator,
		What's the single most important thing you can
		do to protect our great nation from terrrorism?


				KERRY
		Liz, we've got to keep our eye on the ball.
		Sadam never had the ball. Osama still does.

				REF
		President Bush, two seconds!

				BUSH
		Of course I know Soddom had the ball... I mean
		Osama. 
			(holds hand to ear)
		Look, can we get a point deduction on this? He's
		forcing me to repeat the same mistakes from the
		other debates!

				REF
			(blows whistle)
		One point to Kerry for clarity. 

		Next question to President Bush: Your main critique
		of your oponent is that he's a flip-flopper. Yet 
		you've changed positions on using our troops for
		nation-building and the forming of an independent
		9/11 commission, and your administration continually
		sends mixed messages about America being safer
		or being in grave danger of terrorism. What's the
		story here?

				BUSH
			(scowls)
		Of course I-- Look, when the situation changes, I--
		Listen, it's hard work being the president, and I--

				REF
			(blows whistle)
		Time!

				ANNOUNCER
		It looks like that one really took the president
		off guard. I think the president might be losing
		his momentum.

				TERESA
		That's assuming he ever had momentum, Rob! But let's
		not forget, the final question is worth five points,
		so it's still anybody's game!

				REF
		Senator Kerry, two seconds to respond!
		
				KERRY
		I'm proud of my record, and stand by all of it. 
		Except that Viet Nam protest thing.

				REF
			(blows whistle)
		One point to Bush!

				AUDIENCE
		C'mon, Ref! Get some glasses!

				ANNOUNCER
		Well the audience didn't like that call, but I'd
		have to say I agree! It's three-two Kerry!

				REF
		Final question for Senator Kerry: You've promised to
		increase military spending while reducing the
		deficit without raising taxes. This sounds like
		something your oponent's father called voodoo
		economics. How's this going to work?

				KERRY
		Liz, I'm going to be straight with the American 
		people. It can never work. We're going to slash
		social spending and keep blowing money on the
		military just like any good Republican would. 

				REF
		Mr. President, two seconds!

				BUSH
		Look, I'm the conservative, everybody can see that.
		I'm the one that's going to cut taxes, slash social
		funding and increase military spending.

				REF
			(blows whistle)
		Five points to Bush for credibility!
			(waves hands over head)
		That's the game!
				
Ref holds hands of both candidates and raises Bush's in the air.

				ANNOUNCER
		Well folks, there you have it, the president wins on
		points, seven to three.

				TERESA
		That was a terrible scene, Rob. The president
		obviously got some pretty strong assists from the
		referee. That was some terrible officiating out
		there tonight!

				ANNOUNCER
		Well Teresa, that's just the way the first-lady-baked
		chocolate chip cookie crumbles!

		This concludes tonight's broadcast from Springfield
		Ice Arena. Be sure to tune in next week for the final
		debate... Presidential Greco-Roman Wrestling! I'm 
		Rob MacNeil, and you're watching ABS Sports!

Blackout

• October 8, 2004 - No Shame Portland
  

  CAST:
  Announcer - Brian Linss
  Ref - Cheryl Green
  Kerry - Tom Clear
  Bush - Anthony Redlesperger
  Teresa - Janet VanWess
  

[Back to Library]