copyright © 2003 Todd Ristau

That's Bullshit

by Todd Ristau

(Lights up on a MAN standing center stage. He holds a big, shiny gun. The following should be done as fast as possible.)

ANNOUNCER: (offstage) Imagine if everyone lived their lives according to the model of US foreign policy.

(BOSS enters)

BOSS: Jesus, no, you've got to be kidding. We're not going to fire you.

MAN: (thinks for a moment, then points gun) That's bullshit.

(MAN fires gun, BOSS drops dead. NEIGHBOR walks on stage.)

NEIGHBOR: Jesus, no, I'm not sleeping with your wife.

MAN: (thinks for a moment, then points gun) That's bullshit.

(MAN fires gun, NEIGHBOR drops dead. WIFE walks in.)

WIFE: Jesus, no, honey, I'm not laughing at you behind your back.

MAN: (thinks for a moment, then points gun) That's bullshit.

(MAN fires gun, WIFE drops dead. SON enters.)

SON: Jesus, no, Dad, I didn't tell anyone I was ashamed of you.

MAN: (thinks for a moment, then points gun) That's bullshit.

(MAN fires gun, SON drops dead. DAUGHTER enters.)

DAUGHTER: No, Dad, I don't hate you.

MAN: (thinks for a moment, then points gun) That's bullshit.

(MAN fires gun, DAUGHTER drops dead. MAN puts gun to his own head.)

MAN: Jesus, no, I'm not going to kill myself. (pause) That's bull--

(BLACKOUT, no gunshot.)

 

"That's Bullshit" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"That's Bullshit" debuted at No Shame Charlottesville on April 25, 2003. Performed by Todd Ristau, Chris Patrick, Sean Nitchmann, Chris Hauser, Jennifer Hoyt, Alexander Cox, and Amy Jordan.

[Todd Ristau's website] [Ristau Entertainment Ltd.]

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