A Case of Conflict
By Todd Ristau
(SPUD and MIKE, two old men with four teeth between them, sit in a tiny room, the windows boarded shut. A sterno can burns under the tin of beans that SPUD cooks, stirs, and labors over. There is a single patch of light coming through a hole in the ceiling. This light falls on a large stalk of corn in a flowerpot. MIKE tries to play a game of chess with himself on a board made of rocks glued to the floor and various bottles for piecesalcoholic beverages vs. non-alcoholic beverages. MIKE and SPUD will often look with desire upon the corn, but will hide these looks from each other.)
SPUD: Its almost time for the stew, Hank.
MIKE: My name is Mike.
SPUD: Thats right. (pause) You hungry?
MIKE: Yup. (pause) Check.
SPUD: Say, Jerome, why dont you take some of them bottles down and turn em in on deposit?
MIKE: Fuck you. And, its Mike.
SPUD: Thats right. (pause) If you got some of that deposit money back some of the money on them bottles, we could maybe
MIKE: Maybe get some other kind of food than beans?
SPUD: No .no, I was just thinking, you know, condiments. Thats it.
MIKE: Thats what?
SPUD: What I was thinking. Condiments.
MIKE: Luxury items. Aint standing for luxury items.
SPUD: Alvin?
MIKE: Its Mike, you bone head.
SPUD: I know Carl, would you wash the plate and the fork?
MIKE: Mike!
SPUD: MIKE!!
MIKE: There!
SPUD: Please!
MIKE: Dont pull no shit.
(He exits with dirty fork and plate, we hear splashing sounds. SPUD covets the corn.)
SPUD: Four ears. About 407 kernals per ear. Half fer seed, and a new crop, and two whole ears boiled and buttered .Oh, God, Beatrice, I bless the day I found your seed.
(Latch sounds, MIKE returns, SPUD hurries back to the beans.)
MIKE: Cut me.
SPUD: Why? You old fool.
MIKE: No, I cut me. Dropped the fork down the drainpipe. Cant reach it. Arms are too thick around the elbow.
SPUD: Simon! I told ya never to wash it in the eaves unless you lay down screen first!
MIKE: Mike! Its Mike!
SPUD: So, I guess its up to me to fetch it again.
MIKE: If you want the fork.
SPUD: Its my Navy fork!!
MIKE: Yeah.
SPUD: Yeah. (he starts to leave) Stir the beans, but dont pull no shit.
(Spud exits, Mike covets the corn.)
MIKE: Beatrice .I wont let him do this. Ive watch you grow from the day you broke earth to now .bearing your golden Children of Nature. Its time he knew about us. Hes no good for you. Dont you worry, I wont let him cut you open, tear you apart, boil your children, an stuff them into his disease-ridden mouth.
(SPUD enters. MIKE pretends to brush pigeon feathers from Beatrice.)
SPUD: The beans!! Abigail, you dumb shit! You burnt the beans!
MIKE: Sorry.
SPUD: Youre sorry! Whatll we eat?
MIKE: Spud, well well eat the beans. Pretend its a muffin, and cut it in half.
SPUD: Cut. It. Cut it.
(SPUD gets a manic look, picks up a knifeits bent with no handle. MIKE too is going dazed, picks up the Alcoholic King bottle.)
MIKE: Check.
SPUD: Its kind of warm in here.
MIKE: Hot, Id say.
(They move now in an absurd dance of veiled swings, stabs, and punches.)
SPUD: Im beginning to perspire.
MIKE: Maybe we should put out the fire.
SPUD: Be nice if it were a real fire.
(Harpsichord music begins to play.)
MIKE: Complete with the smell of nature being consumed?
SPUD: Not like a toxic waste dump burning in winter.
MIKE: Where do you learn words like that?
SPUD: I read what I wear to bed at night.
MIKE: Do you sleep alone?
SPUD: I sleep. You cant. Too much corn in your eyes.
MIKE: Your stomach growls, the sound rots your mind.
SPUD: Your mind is twisted .you want her, you want my corn, dont you!!
MIKE: Youre insane!
SPUD: Mike! Mike! You want my corn!
MIKE: Shes not your corn! She is her own corn! And that corn loves me!
SPUD: You cant have her! Shes mine! Im going to eat her, alone, tonight, stalk to tassel!
MIKE: Inhuman fiend!
(The dance has now become a macabre minuet, the music reaches a peak, bottle and blade do their work on flesh and skull. During the course of the next week, the broken hearted BEATRICE will wither and die, dropping an ear of corn each upon the bodies of SPUD and MIKE. Next year, a new crop appears.)
"A Case of Conflict" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
AUTHOR'S NOTES (3/21/03):
Originally done in IC in TH. B as readers theatre with Stan as Spud and me as Mike.
Done in Charlottesville on 1.11.02 with Gare Galbraith as SPUD and me again as Mike, Ursula readng stage directions.
"A Case of Conflict" (possibly) debuted 1989-90 (see Author's Notes), performed by Todd Ristau and Stan Ruth.Performed at No Shame / Charlottesville on January 11, 2002, with Todd Ristau as Mike, Gare Galbraith as Spud, and Ursula Hull reading stage directions.