Fatopia (Performed NST, Charlottesville, Va., May 30, 2003)

Prosecuting Attorney

We take you now to Fat-topia, land of the free and home of the heavyweights, where the eagle as the national symbol has been replaced by the hippopotamus. Let's look in, shall we, in the courtroom of Judge Angry Milkduds. I have reason to be there because I am today's Prosecuting Attorney.

(Stage lights come on. We see a man and a woman seated front stage left in chairs. Behind them is a bench for the Judge. Judge Milkduds waddles in from stage right munching a candy bar. Prosecuting Attorney takes out a candy bar of his own and munches during the scene.)

ALL RISE! OY-STERS! OY-STERS! OY-STERS!

Judge

Call the first case.

Prosecuting Attorney

Lay's Potato Chips versus John Slim.

Slim

(Rising) You're honor, I've done nothing.

Prosecuting Attorney

This miserable cur is unpatriotically thin! Your parole officer warned you to eat forty bags of potato chips daily!

Slim

I did.

Prosecuting Attorney

You lie! The Department of Waistland Security's TV cameras tell another story.

Slim

Oh, no! Where where did you hide-?

Prosecuting Attorney

Actually, Your Honor, the sex footage is not bad, but Mr. Slim violated the conditions of his parole.

Judge

I sentence you to hard labor at the Lay's Potato Chip plant until you're 50 inches around -- after which you will go to a halfwaist house. Sit down! (Slim sits)

Prosecuting Attorney

Miss Liza Toolittle, are you here?

Liza Toolittle

(Rising) Your honor, I tried.

Prosecuting Attorney

Nestle's Chocolates versus Miss Liza Toolittle.

Judge

I see here you were sentenced to become a chocoholic. How do you plead?

Liza Toolittle

No solo choco-lattay, Your Honor. I tried my best.

Judge

Mister Prosecutor, is that true?

Prosecuting Attorney

Partly. You ordered her to expand to fifty-inches and she's still only 42.

Judge

Did you make an honest effort?

Liza Toolittle

I did! I did!

Judge

Did she come in for her chocolate baths?

Prosecuting Attorney

Yes, Your Honor. We bathed her every morning in a tub of hot melted chocolate and made her drink a giant shake while we watched.

Judge

And?

Prosecuting Attorney

Our video cameras show she only ate half of them.

Liza Toolittle

It wasn't fair. They gave me white chocolate bars instead of the dark!

Judge

You must understand, Lisa, if you don't eat these imported candies you will worsen our balance of trade with Switzerland.

Prosecuting Attorney

And that's economic terrorism!

Judge

You shut your mouth or I'll stuff something in it! When I want your gastronomical opinion I'll ask for it.

Prosecuting Attorney

Sorry, Your Honor.

Judge

Did you gain weight?

Liza Toolittle

Twenty pounds.

Judge

Turn around for me, Madam. The Prosecutor will measure you.

Prosecuting Attorney

(Removing a tape measure from his pocket and wrapping it around her waist.)

Your Honor, she's hardly forty-two inches.

Liza Toolittle

(Crying) Mercy, Your Honor! Please! Rome wasn't fattened in a day.

Judge

Ah, I'm so sorry, but the Judicial Code enacted by former Governor Rottenfeller clearly states that terrorists must do time, even for simple non-possession of chocolate. I'm deporting you to the Federal Prison in Hershey, Pennsylvania, where you shall be stuffed through the mouth with candy bars for eight days and nights until the Lord takes mercy on your soul or you become a patriotic consumer, whichever comes first.

Liza Toolittle

Oh, Your Honor, couldn't you sentence me to El Paso instead?

Prosecuting Attorney

Don't fall for it, Your Honor. She wants to nosh Tex-Mex, and that's not half as fattening.

Judge

Come to think of it, Lisa, you did at least try.

Liza Toolittle

Please, pretty please, Your Honor, with sugar on it!

Judge

Ah, I'm just a marshmallow at heart. Here it is our national goal to make every single American fat, dumb, and happy, and we've still got two million Americans who are not fat. However-

Liza Toolittle

Viva, Lobster Newburg!

Prosecuting Attorney

Oh, Jesus!

Judge

You shut your mouth before I stuff a big fat cannoli in it! That's it! You're in contempt of court! I'm sentencing you to an overnight eat in the Spaghetti Factory. Non-stop, and no tomato sauce, either!

Prosecuting Attorney

But why?

Judge

For making a pesto of yourself!

Liza Toolittle

Tex-Mex, Your Honor, please?

Judge

All right: Tex-Mex it is. Now when you're pleasingly plump you come right back to this courtroom and I'll void the rest of your original calorie consumption sentence.

Liza Toolittle

Oh, Your Honor! You show the wisdom of Solomon! May a million bagels rain down on you.

Prosecuting Attorney

Stale ones, I hope.

Judge

Now, before you all depart my courtroom, I'd like to leave you with a little something to chew on. They may be starving in Africa but we American consumers must be the role model for the world. Wherever you are, in your office, the movie theatre, on picnics, in fast food joints or in the privacy of your own bedroom, it's your responsibility to eat, eat, eat! You must keep this economy going and your waistline growing, so we'll reach Fatopia within this decade. Fatopia is coming! I can see it waddling on the horizon! Glory! Glory!

All

Glory! Glory!

Judge

Now, join with me in the Fat-opia Na-tion-al An-them!

All

Oh, beautiful, for apple pies, for ample waists of gain

We'll stuff ourselves at Royal Fork, and refill each plate again

Fatopia! Fatopia! God shed his sauce on thee!

And crown our brood with yum yum food

And a billion calories!

FAT-OPIA! FAT-OPIA!

Blackout