"Subatomic"
by Mike Rothschild
As the lights come up, Speaker is sitting center stage at a table, with a piece of blank paper on it.
A lot of people ask me why I have so much trouble meeting women. OK, nobody asks me that. In fact, its just about the least interesting subject possible. But since Im on stage, and youre not, youre going to have to sit here and take it.
Holds up the piece of paper.
This piece of standard letter sized paper represents the population of the state of California, as of the 2000 Census. At the time of that census was taken there were 33,871,648 people living here. Of these, 17 million are women.
Tear paper in half.
Of these 17 million, approximately 1.4 million are in my acceptable dating age range, which is 21 to 27. Well, ok, 18 to 35. OK, legal to retired. Its embarrassing, but there it is. Anyway, 1.4 million out of 17.
Tear the edge off the paper, discard the rest.
Thats 8 percent. And half the states population age 15 and over is married. So well extrapolate a little, take our 1.4 million 21 to 27 year olds and marry half of them off.
Tear the paper in half.
Mazel Tov. That makes 700,000. Sounds like a lot. Now, Los Angeles County makes up 27 percent of the state. So, using my flunked-out-of-algebra math skills, we find that 27 percent of that 700,000 is 189,000.
Tear large chunk off paper.
Were down to one percent. This is getting bad. Now, Im a fairly intelligent person, and I enjoy both civil discourse and hot sex. So Id have trouble dating someone who didnt have at least SOME college education. The Census says 22 percent of people over 18 have taken college classes. So, we take 22 percent of 189,000 and get
Tear large chunk off paper.
41,580 unmarried women in my age range in LA County with some college education. Now we get into pure speculation, since the Census doesnt keep track of live in lovers, long-term relationships and awkward one night stands. Of 41,580 lets say half are in committed relationships
Tear the paper in half.
Half of them are lesbians, which is just a waste of both our times
Tear the paper in half
And half of THEM "just dont have time to date anyone".
Tear the paper in half
So were left with
Pause, look at the scrap of paper.
A really small fucking piece of paper. So what do I do? Do I give up and declare myself "married to the sea"? Do I shave my head and embrace my forced celibacy? My parents used to ask if Id met any nice Jewish girls. Then they asked if Id met any nice girls. Then they just asked if I met any girls. Now they dont ask.
I could keep finding reasons to tear this in half until it was just a molecule. But physics tells us that you can take away half of something an infinite number of times, and youd still have a piece of it left. That half of a half of a half times infinity plus one is still there. You can tear it in half all you want, youre not getting rid of it. Its still there, on a subatomic level.
Examines it, squinting in the stage lights.
Yeah, I can see her. Just hanging on.
I stand up and put the tiny scrap of paper in my front pocket.
BLACK OUT
"Subatomic" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Subatomic" debuted December 13, 2002, performed by Michael Rothschild.