"Would You Like Liberty With That?"
by Mike Rothschild
LIGHTS UP on a table and chair. A MAN peruses a menu as a WAITRESS impatiently waits for him to finish.
man
I'd like the Smoky Mountain Cheeseburger with extra onions and a coffee.
WAITRESS
Mashed, Freedom Fries or onion rings?
MAN
Did you say "freedom fries"?
WAITRESS
(rehearsed)
Due to the French Government's lack of support for the war against terrorism, Lucky's Restaurant will now serve Freedom Fries instead of French Fries.
MAN
That's idiotic! First of all...
WAITRESS
I don't make the rules, sir.
MAN
...French fries aren't actually from France, they're just French cut. Second, the French government...
WAITRESS
What kind of side dish do you want?
MAN
Let me talk to your manager.
WAITRESS
LARRY!
The man cringes at her loudness. LARRY, the manager, enters.
larry
What I can do for you?
man
I'd like to know what's behind this ridiculous "freedom fries" thing.
LARRY
Due to the French Government's lack of support for the war against terrorism...
wAITRESS
I already told him, Lar.
man
So to protest, you change the name of your food? That doesn't hurt them.
LARRY
We've changed all the names. We now serve Freedom Toast, Freedom Bread and Freedom Silk Pie. Don't you stand for freedom?
waITRESS
Aren't you with our boys?
MAN
Of course But deriding French culture isn't going to save anyone's life.
larrY
The French aren't with us, so they're against us. Like those dirty hippie protestors who hate America.
MAN
Some might say questioning your leaders is the most American thing you can do.
waITRESS
They're wrong.
larrY
Don't you want the world to be safe from weapons of mass destruction?
man
What does that have to do with french fries? You know, never mind. I'm changing my order. I'll have the German pancakes.
The waitress and Larry both shake their heads.
man (CONT'D)
Let me guess. Freedom pancakes?
larRY
German pancakes are "Liberty Pancakes". So we don't confuse them with Swedish Pancakes. Those are "Justice Pancakes."
MAN
What did the Swedes do?
waITRESS
They're neutral.
laRRY
And if you're not with us...
man
Jesus. I'll just have a salad.
Pause.
LARRY
Faggot.
BLACKOUT.
"Would You Like Liberty With That?" debuted February 28, 2003, performed by Mike Rothschild, Toni Loppnow, J.J. Hickey.