copyright © 2003 Michael Rothschild
"We Got The Bastard!"
By Mike Rothschild
As the LIGHTS COME UP, two CIA agents, JACKSON and JOHNSON, are dragging a man with a tie over his eyes into a room with one chair. This is OSAMA. He walks unsteady.
JOHNSON
Tell Mr. Peters we got the bastard!
Jackson speaks into his earpiece as Johnson shoves Osama into a chair.
JOHNSON (CONT'D)
Sit down, you bastard.
JACKSON
He's coming.
MR. PETERS enters.
MR. PETERS
I'm here.
JOHNSON
We got the bastard, sir.
MR. PETERS
Which one? There's so many I can't keep track anymore.
JOHNSON
Osama! We captured Osama bin Laden!
JACKSON
He was arrested in Hollywood buying a Map to the Stars Homes. The bastard.
MR. PETERS
Well done, boys. OK, Osama. What's Al-Qaeda's next move going to be?
Osama pauses and speaks weakly.
OSAMA
Thursday...
MR. PETERS
Did he say "thursday"? And why is he twitching like that?
JOHNSON
We had his genitals hooked up to a car battery for 8 hours yesterday.
MR. PETERS
Just making sure.
JOHNSON
Do you have Weapons of Mass Destruction?
OSAMA
Thursday...
JACKSON
How many agents do you have in America?
OSAMA
Thursday...
MR. PETERS
OK, Sheik Soon-To-Be-Compost, when are you launching your next attack?
OSAMA
Marmalade...
MR. PETERS
DAMN! You two monkeys tortured him so bad he doesn't know when the next attack is!
JACKSON
Probably Thursday.
JOHNSON
(nudging him)
Shut up, Jackson.
MR. PETERS
This is the greatest enemy to freedom since Clinton and you nuke his brain...
Mr. Peters takes a close look at Osama.89
MR. PETERS (CONT'D)
Where's his beard?
JACKSON
His...uh...
JOHNSON
It fried off. During the torture thing.
MR. PETERS
People usually buy me dinner before they fuck me. Take the blindfold off him.
The agents look at each other and sadly nod. Jackson takes the blindfold off "Osama". It's not Osama at all. Pause.
JOHNSON
It's a look-alike.
MR. PETERS
So now they have Osama look-alikes that look NOTHING LIKE Osama? Who is he?
Johnson hands Mr. Peters a drivers license.
MR. PETERS (CONT'D)
Steve Atkins, from Levittown, New York. You two just picked up some guy and tried to pass him off as Osama, right?
JACKSON
He looks a little Arab.
MR. PETERS
I'm sure you wanted to look like heroes, get your names in the paper, get a raise. But this man is innocent, and America doesn't harass and torture innocent people. We have laws and morals here and the innocent are just that, innocent, until proven otherwise. To arrest and torture people we only suspect of being our enemy makes us no better than the monsters who want to destroy our nation. Shame on you both.
The agents stare at him. Then they all burst out laughing.
JACKSON
Good one, sir!
MR. PETERS
Yeah, I should win a fuckin' Oscar.
JOHNSON
America doesn't torture innocent people. That's brilliant.
They continue laughing and final stop, all sighing at once.
MR. PETERS
Ah...just dump him in the alley. Let the rats have him.
JACKSON
He shouldn't have even left his house.
MR. PETERS
Drinks are on me, boys.
They all walk off laughing. Pause.
OSAMA
Oh say can you see...
His head slumps forward.
BLACKOUT
"We Got The Bastard!" debuted at No Shame Goes To War, on March 8, 2003, with the following cast:
JOHNSON - Mike Rothschild
JACKSON - Chris Clarke
OSAMA - Brian Anderson
MR. PETERS - Dave Ulrich
Performed at No Shame Goes To War (Cedar Falls), on April 4, 2003. Performed by Poo, Ryan Toppin, Andy Schroeder, Joel Zummak.
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