"We Will Slaughter Them All" By Mike Rothschild At LIGHTS UP, the Iraqi MINISTER OF INFORMATION is standing center stage, wearing his trademark black beret. REPORTERS call out questions to him from the audience. SOUNDS OF WAR can be heard lightly in the background. MINISTER Let me begin my daily briefing by restating the fact which you can see with your very eyes: There is no presence of American infidels in the city of Baghdad. Never. REPORTER 1 What's the reaction to Saddam International Airport being taken? MINISTER We slaughtered them in the airport. The force that was in the airport, this force was destroyed. REPORTER 2 70 M1 tanks are in Baghdad. MINISTER I say to you this talk is not true. This is part of their sick mind. REPORTER 1 But your army has been wiped out... MINISTER I am not scared and neither should you be! Our initial assessment is that they will all die. REPORTER 2 How many Iraqi soldiers have been killed, sir? 30,000? 50,000? MINISTER None. The infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. As our leader Saddam Hussein said, 'God is grilling their stomachs in hell.' REPORTER 1 What about the constant bombing? MINISTER There is no bombing. It is a Hollywood illusion. No bomb will ever fall on Baghdad! A BOMB explodes in the background (skip to track 6 and 7 on CD). Lights flicker. REPORTER 1 What was that? MINISTER That was a baby food factory being destroyed by Americans. REPORTER 1 I thought they aren't in Baghdad? MINISTER Do not repeat the lies of liars. I blame Al-Jazeera. They are marketing for the Americans. Please, make sure of what you say. REPORTER 2 When you said God was grilling the stomachs of the infidels, is he using a propane grill or charcoal? MINISTER What kind of idiotic question is that? How dare you waste my time with such colonial prattle. Of course God is using a charcoal grill. Do you know what the Flames of Hell would do to a propane tank? REPORTER 1 How do you deny American troops are taking over Iraq? An M1 tank just rolled by you, didn't you see it? MINISTER See what? REPORTER 1 The tank! MINISTER I see only Heroes of the Baath Socialist Arab Party. REPORTER 1 It just rolled by! There's another! MINISTER Your mind is sick. There is no tank. REPORTER 2 Wouldn't God have created a grill with the cleanliness of propane and the great taste of charcoal? MINISTER God can grill with any method he wants! He can boil, roast or Hibachi. His power to grill is great and awesome. Next question. REPORTER 1 Did Saddam survive the cruise missile and bomb attacks? MINISTER The cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river. Over the past two days we shot down 196 missiles before they hit their target. REPORTER 2 I'm just saying if you're going to roast a stomach in hell, why not just use the flames around you? MINISTER Grilling is grilling! I tell you now there will be no more questions about stomach preparation. REPORTER 1 Yes or no, is Saddam alive? MINISTER He is in the heart of every child. In every stream and river, where every sunbeam forms a rainbow. He lives in the souls of everyone... REPORTER 2 Does God eat the stomachs after he grills them? The minister blows his top. MINISTER This ends the briefing. I said there would be no more questions on the topic of stomach grilling, and you violated my resolution. REPORTER 1 But is Saddam alive? MINISTER I will give you this final piece of information which will completely alter your life in ways I can not imagine. (Pause for effect) Bush and Rumsfeld deserve to be hit with shoes. That is all. He starts to leave. REPORTER 1 What about Saddam? REPORTER 2 What about the stomachs? MINISTER These must wait until the next glorious day of victory. I now inform you that you are too far from reality. Goodbye. The minister leaves. The lights stay on. REPORTER 2 I wonder what infidel stomach tastes like. REPORTER 1 Probably chicken. BLACKOUT. The WAR SOUNDS fade on a 3 count.THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Mike Rothschild, Lauren Taylor, Brian Rochlin