"Halfway To 50"

by Mike Rothschild

Holds up a picture of Kobe Bryant.

Kobe Bryant. Born: August 23, 1978. Occupation: Shooting guard, Los Angeles Lakers. 2002 salary: 12.3 million dollars. Accomplishments: Won three NBA Championships titles. Four time All Star. Youngest player in NBA history. Marital status: married.

Justin Timberlake. Born: January 31, 1981. Occupation: Musician. 2002 salary: Estimated at 8 million dollars. Accomplishments: solo album sold 2 million copies. Sold 19 million albums as member of N’Sync. Marital status: de-flowered Britney Spears.

Frankie Muniz. Born: December 5, 1985. Occupation: actor. 2002 salary: 2 million dollars for Agent Cody Banks. Accomplishments: Nominated for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series Emmy in 2001. Marital status: pre-teen heart-throb.

Haley Joel Osment. Born: April 10, 1988. Occupation: Actor. 2002 Salary: 2 million dollars for the film AI. Accomplishments: Nominated for Best Supporting Actor in 2000 Oscars. Marital status: Discovered first pubes last week.

Michael Rothschild. Born April 24, 1978. Occupation: Unemployed as of today. Salary: Slightly more than a prison inmate. Accomplishments: won "Hammiest Actor" award at Libertyville High School in 1995 and 1996. Marital status: Forced celibacy.

They’re rich, famous, beloved by women and envied by men. And they’re all younger than me. I turned 25 yesterday, older than all of them. And I’m looking at a table of "men" who will never have to utter the phrase "can you spot me five bucks". Seriously, if you think about it for more than three seconds it’s really depressing. Oscar nominations, Emmy nominations, Grammy nominations, millions of dollars, fame, power, fucking Britney Spears. I don’t even have a Golden Globe. And they’re all younger than me. Haley Joel Osment could retire before his Bar Mitzvah! If he was Jewish.

If we got together to play poker, I’d be the old man at the table. People are supposed to respect their elders, right? So where’s my respect? I’m not a millionaire, unless we’re talking about lira. I mean, Kobe Bryant made 50 grand in the time it took me to write this crappy monologue. Of course, I won a bowling trophy in eighth grade, but no Oscars. No Emmys. I did fuck Britney Spears, but it was in a dream and she actually had my mother’s face. So that doesn’t really count.

I know I’m being too hard on myself. These are the top one percent of the top one percent. The exception. Fuck-ups like me are the rule. Normal teenagers don’t make millions. They stay up all night eating chili and watching Skinamax. Besides, there’s time for me to do everything they’ve done. Just because I haven’t done it yet doesn’t mean I can’t do it. Yeah, the NBA All-Star thing is a long-shot but I can’t say it’s impossible. They’re just lucky. Right place, right look, right time. It could have been anyone. It just happened to be them.

And who’s to say the roles won’t reverse? One day, I might park my Humvee outside the expensive restaurant Justin Timberlake is begging for change in front of? And the valet will be Frankie Muniz. And he’ll try to drive off, but he’ll run over Kobe Bryant, who tried to flag it down so he could wash its windows. And Haley Joel Osment, mister "I’m too good to have just two names" will be the gravedigger who puts Kobe in the ground. But I won’t have noticed, because I’ll be gabbing with my agent, signing autographs and impregnating models! You hear me Colin Farrell? I’m coming for YOU!

And even if it never happens, even if there is no Humvee or agent or millions or models; there’s one thing I have right now that none of them have. I can legally rent a car.

If only I had somewhere to go.

• April 25, 2003 - No Shame Los Angeles
  

  Performed by Mike Rothschild.
  

[Back to Library]