copyright © 2004 Mike Rothschild

"Movie Review: The Alamo"

By Mike Rothschild

LIGHTS UP. Two chairs. Jeff and Mike are on stage.

Jeff

So I saw that movie, "The Alamo" the other day.

MikE

Before you even say another word, I want to make sure you aren't upset because the movie was called "The Alamo" and it had nothing to do with the Alamo Car Rental company.

JEFF

Why would I think that? They didn't have car rental companies in 1836.

MIKE

Exactly.

JEFF

They might have had horse-drawn buggy rental companies. But I didn't see any in the movie.

Mike

Uh huh. But no cars?

JEFF

I don't think so.

MIKE

OK then. Just so we're clear. Continue.

Pause.

JEFF

Doing what?

MIKE

Reviewing "The Alamo".

JEFF

Oh. Right.

MIKE

I don't even know why you went. What's the point of going to a movie if you already know that everybody dies at the end.

JEFF

That's true. But the action scenes were good. And David Bowie kicked a lot of ass.

MIKE

David Bowie? Playing a Texan freedom fighter?

JEFF

No, you know, the real guy. The one they named the knife after. David Bowie.

MIKE

Jesus. JIM Bowie was at the Alamo.

JEFF

Jim Bowie? See, I thought it was David Bowie, and that they named the knife after him.

MIKE

The Bowie Knife is named after Jim Bowie, who invented it. You don't think it would be a little weird to have a knife named after a bisexual British rock star?

JEFF

I don't know. The British are different from us.

MIKE

Also, the Bowie knife was invented 110 years before David Bowie was born.

JEFF

Right.

MIKE

David Bowie took his name FROM the knife.

JEFF

Because his real name was Davy Crockett.

MIKE

No, his real name was Davey Jones. He changed it because of Davy Jones from the Monkees.

JEFF

So what was Davy Crockett's real name?

MIKE

Davy Crockett's real name was Davy Crockett.

JEFF

I thought Davy Crockett named himself David Bowie, after the knife. And Jim Bowie named himself Davy Crockett, after the guy wrestled bears.

MIKE

Davy Crockett WAS the guy who wrestled bears.

JEFF

So who was Jim Bowie?

MIKE

Jim Bowie was the guy who invented the knife.

JEFF

I thought they were the same person.

MIKE

Jesus Christ! How could they be the same person? They were played by two different actors in the movie.

JEFF

I did wonder about that.

MIKE

Jim Bowie was the knife guy. Davy Crockett was the bear guy. They didn't name themselves after each other.

JEFF

I would have thought everyone would have kept their own names, to make it easier in the heat of battle.

MIKE

They did keep their own names. The only person who didn't was David Bowie, and he had nothing to do with the Alamo.

JEFF

Right. But he was in the Monkees.

MIKE

Davy JONES was in the Monkees.

JEFF

You just said his real name was Davey Jones.

MIKE

He changed it because of the Davy Jones in the Monkees.

JEFF

Oh, I thought David Bowie changed his name because of the guy who invented the locker.

MIKE

WHAT?

JEFF

Davy Jones' locker.

MIKE

That's a pirate expression. It wasn't named after a real guy.

JEFF

I thought "Yargh" was a pirate expression.

MIKE

It is! Pirates have more than one expression.

JEFF

Just like Davy Crockett has more than one name.

Pause.

MIKE

Did you see the movie?

JEFF

Did I see the movie? Of course I saw the movie! What kind of man would I be if I was reviewing a movie I hadn't seen?

MIKE

Well, you thought Jim Bowie and Davy Crockett were the same person, named after each other.

JEFF

Gee, you've never been confused at a movie before? A few weeks ago, you didn't think Mel Gibson was anti-Semitic!

MIKE

Sorry. Just from the way you were sort of going on and on about stuff that had nothing to do with the movie, I figured you hadn't seen it.

JEFF

(PISSED) Well, you figured wrong. I saw it. And I don't need to sit here and take this slander from you. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home and listen to my Jim Bowie records.

Jeff leaves. Mike slaps his forehead with his palm.

BLACKOUT

 

 

 

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